The blue pill or the red pill?

I met somebody quite recently who was living well. He expected to get what he wanted. He believed he deserved the best of everything. Everything he wanted seemed to just fall into his hands. I had moved to somewhere temporary. I'd been living broke for a long time and somewhere more longterm had been far from my grasp. I couldn't afford to pay removals, so he'd offered to help. I offered him acupressure treatment in return, since I'm a trained therapist (I'd been one of the best in my learning group but had only ever given treatment for free since all my proof of credentials had been binned by an ex and the institution I qualified at had stopped the program). We got back to my place and there was no space for the mirror he'd insisted on bringing with us. Framed with natural wood, it was modern, chic, perfectly undamaged and very beautiful, and had cost me £400: far more than a removal company would have charged me for the same job which would have enabled me to rescue all of my things.

I was going to leave the mirror behind because I knew I had nowhere to put it, and use the van space for other things of mine that I needed, but he'd had other ideas and had insisted on bringing it and I'd had no choice but to leave the things I had wanted behind forever because there was to be no opportunity to go back for the rest. I knew by the time we arrived at my new place that I wasn't going to be seeing this man again. Having made a grab for me and forced a kiss, it was clear he wanted more from me than I was prepared to give. We offloaded everything, except the mirror, which he took with him . I realised after he'd gone that my beautiful mirror had fallen into his hands without me even realising-he'd ensured he'd got paid for the work he'd done under the pretext of friendship. Something had fallen effortlessly into his hands and what's more, it matched perfectly the natural wood dining table he'd bought and shown me only two days before. He was relentlessly positive , always glass half full. I, by contrast, with my Eastern European roots, am not. Since a young age I'd been schooled by my family to not expect anything good, and to believe I deserved very little of anything except for plenty of things bad. I'd sooner look at things from the perspective that was most likely to spare me the pain of disappointment. Ironic, really, that disappointment has been a running theme throughout my life. Inside, you see, I'm a closet optimist. Which is WORSE because with hope for better, I'm always disappointed! I'm a dreamer and I want to live well and always have-that's not unusual. You can see, I'm conflicted. The law of attraction says you manifest through the power of your mind. You get what you think about, be it good or bad. And you get what you believe you deserve. I have a dilemma: do I believe in some sort of autonomic control over my destiny by the power of my thought. Because that'd mean entertaining the possibility that the world was governed by energy and that there was a sort of conscious universe. That opens me up the possible realness of symbolic messages, meaningful numbers and signs, angels, gremlins, darker energies that could be invited in to run rampant through your life and all sorts of archetypes and monsters inbetween.

More than that, this idea of the cosmic being part of the fabric of reality would suggest that I'm in control of my destiny, and to some extent responsible (although I hadn't been savant so perhaps, absolved for certain moments, nevertheless responsible) for my miserable experiences aswell as the better stuff that cropped up now and again despite terrible parenting and the influence of various other horrible adults.

That scene in The Matrix where Morpheus gives Neo a choice between the red pill and vision into the truth or the blue pill and return to his former everyday life made me think about all of this. Maybe The Matrix was about something quite different. Not just a sci-fi film, maybe it was talking about a choice between spiritual faith and seeing the world through that lens or seeing the world as ground level: chaotic and unpredictable, kept in order only be institution, and government.

So the dilemma: should I take the red pill and see the world through a different lens? In this vision, reality is governed by mutable energies. Or the blue pill, and look at the world as random and ground level. Perhaps the world only appeared random because I perceived it that way, because I had't had my eyes opened to the truth yet. After Neo takes the red pill his world degenerates and the Matrix takes over. He can never un-nkow what he knows. Once you go onto a spiritual pathway, you can't go back. And the spiritual path is once of self development. If you ever stop, you begin suffering. And if you go outside of integrity, karma smacks you on the arse faster than you can blink.

It seems that my life has been monument to the realness of the law of attraction. I thought I deserved very little, I had very little. Whatever I had was usually taken off me. I was used to disappointment and expected it. I got it, consistently. Especially in matters of love. I manifested the same man over and over again. He didn't bother to take me out, was bad in bed because pleasing me wasn't worth the bother but not with other girlfriends-only with me: treated me badly while he had me then wanted me back, if only for my body, after I'd left. They wanted me but didn't value me. I didn't really believe I deserved a really great guy because I guess I'd been taught from such a young age that I didn't deserve anything good. Consequently, I'd expected to not be valued, so I had skill, brilliant degrees and a perfectionist, I worked hard but repeatedly, I was not paid or was underpaid.

I'd expected uphill struggle in every aspect of life, and I'd got exactly that. I had hoped for the best but expected the worst. I had, then, manifested the lack I'd believed in and because beliefs are just repeated thoughts, I had created my reality from my thought. This must surely be my proof card that there is some otherly reallness outside of what I have perceived as reality. And also, a scary insight into the vast possibility of personal power that was vast enough to do me harm and therefore, if turned around, could do me good, since my results had been so profoundly and consistently bad and aligned with my thoughts. It seems there's something greater than everyday life, and it may, with the red pill and a shift in focus, be possible to influence its direction through the power of thought alone. Law of attraction proponent, Esther Hicks talked once about focusing on appreciation of her pillow. The idea was that the essence of appreciation of her mind's focus was supposed to extend to other areas of her life. If that's the case, then it's possible for even me to start small and make something good happen. So where to start...