The Darker Side of Love and Relationships -and The Value of Therapy

Having worked in the therapy and mental health and wellbeing field for over 18 years with children, young people, parents and woman ,the common feature that played through the work was the issue of managing relationships and the impact that they can have . No matter whether we explore mental health, wellbeing, drug and alcohol use and abuse , family struggles, low mood, anxiety, personal struggles or spiritual matters , most of us have a network of people around us and often the interplay of these varying levels of relationships will emerge in the therapy process .

A lot of what people are exploring is their relationship with the world , with the people around them and then the relationship they have with themselves, the latter being the most challenging and yet often powerfully transforming.

Its easy to state that if x were to leave us alone, was better behaved, nicer, less dramatic, more loving , took more notice etc. then we would feel better, happier and so on . But when we really nail it down, its often our perceptions of people ,who we think they should be, what we can and cannot tolerate or how well we just gel with them that we need to reflect upon. Once we are more aware of what this means to us and what we can work through, tolerate better, accept etc. means we can decide whether this is a person that we still want in our life.

However some relationships have a more sinister edge and much harder to unpick or remove yourself from.

A recent episode of Dexter reminded me of this and of some of some of my earlier work ,helping people work through their family and relationship issues . A common theme was the impact that their childhood had had on them and how many early experiences ,behaviours and ideas permeated their modern dating and relationship experiences.

So how do people who come from backgrounds that are dysfunctional, toxic, abusive, challenging and neglectful childhoods manage in relationships? How does the past affect their capacity to recognise the potential for a open, loving, caring relationship ?

The past as we know often informs the present , it doesn't have to, sometimes we think it doesn't yet when you scratch the surface of your choices and experiences they are often formed through the cultural lense you formed while growing up.

Its what the whole of the personal development industry is built on. Somewhere inside us we know that we are not up to par with our work , our relationships or just want to know that we are growing beyond our previous limitations. Sometimes we want to create the best versions of ourselves -yet this is rarely done without some navel gazing . (and your navel is your solar plexus which is your storehouse for personal empowerment!!)

There are those of us who function fairly well in society , we develop friendships, status, job opportunity's and may plod along ok .Others have met their goals and love the idea of absorbing everything life has to offer . But sometimes we can just get stuck on something and need to get some support to find a way through, however for some its not so easy.

For some ,they have come from dysfunctional family backgrounds where drugs, parental mental health, violence, aggression and neglect permeated their day to day experiences. So how do people from these backgrounds become aware of how these experiences have shaped the way they view life and in particular relationships? especially the important ones. How do they break family patterns and dysfunctions, heal the hurt and develop the capacity to have rewarding ,loving , progressive ,healthy relationships?

Unfortunately, many people do not realise how their past has impacted them. So, how do they develop a self-awareness of the patterns and malfunctions and not get drawn into them, whether that is in their friendship groups, families, or romantic relationships? How do they build a resilience and a higher expectation in human nature? What’s the process that enables them to achieve that understanding?

One way in which people can develop self-awareness, look at challenges with fresh eyes and learn to grow and change and become happier and healthier, is through therapy.

I trained as a therapist 20 years ago and heard a lot of stories of family stress, unhappiness, abuse and sadly, outright aggression and violence. The pattern of dysfunction played through many of the “problems ” presented by the child or the family.

The role that therapy (and coaching) can provide is a space in which to discover more about who you were, now are, and what you want for your future. If you do not know what you want, especially what you value and believe about friendship, relationships, and family life, then it’s hard to envision it, and then it’s tougher to make the changes needed.
If you’ve not had positive role models for relationships and family life, then you must learn to create it.

In therapy, the therapist is trained to provide the right conditions for the space in which the client enters. The therapist knows that they are capable, through a range of tools, of exploring with the client their concerns and what they would rather have in their lives.

In most therapy approaches, the key emphasis is on the client-therapist relationship, or on the relational component in the therapy.

The therapist has also has skills that enable them to facilitate conversation. With each step, the client can explore areas beyond what they believe is the issue that is unresolved.

Initially, therapists aim to help the client to feel comfortable, so that they can feel safe enough to share aspects of themselves that they may never have before. The client knows they can do so within this safe space, and they can explore the situations that have caused them pain and any other in the range of emotions that all of us humans experience.

Some of these experiences and the feelings associated with them were unacceptable at the time. Each person is different, and their range of resilient factors do vary. Therefore, the issues they bring into adulthood and the way in which it affects them also varies. The benefit of therapy is that it enables the client to bring the past forward, learn from it ,clear ,process and transform it. This leaves the client with a new energy in which to be able to engage with the world in a happier and healthier way - and also often make different choices.

Part of the process is sharing and exploring and this can also enable the client to experience the components of a healthy relationship. Good therapy models respect and value for other people. The process helps someone become more real and exposes them to parts of themselves that create conflict or distress, which they may have hidden. The process also helps them to explore their values and beliefs, so they can both become aware of them and become more self-directing.

Therapy provides a place where you are able to express yourself and have your experiences, feelings, and memories witnessed and validated. The tough parts of therapy can be when you start to feel painful emotions like anger, frustration and shame, because of the more profound insights that are being exposed in or out of the therapy room.

Feeling negative emotions can lead to scepticism that the therapy is not working but it is often in those emotions where the process of transformation occurs. The process of shining a light on what was happening unleashes what can sometimes be years of stored or blocked energy.

In some close friendships, there can be differing agendas and conflicting beliefs about what people’s expectations are, and therapy can help unearth these. It helps expose what the client experiences and the underlying beliefs and perceptions of themselves, others, and the world and what they really feel about these . Sometimes they may question their value and decide these no longer work for them.

As a therapist, we also go through the same process, both in our training and after, and develop this awareness. It doesn’t mean we are free from negative experiences and our lives are filled only with joy. Being human means embarking on a continuous journey of growth and personal development.

If you grew up in a family that was indifferent to you, or your voice felt small, or you felt you didn’t fit in, then therapy can be very beneficial. It can be difficult for some people to accept the space offered and to start sharing with another, however, a good therapist will make clear to a client that it’s their space and it is one that doesn’t get dominated by the stronger personalities of the people around them.

People, as they develop their self-awareness, expose their stories and the beliefs about themselves that are hidden deep inside them, and they can then learn to make decisions that are more aligned with who they are. And through this process, they are both heard and received. The more you notice how you feel, what fits with who you are, and what you want, the more discerning you can be. This is especially important when in the early days of a relationship. You are then able to create the right boundaries and only accept people in your circle that match those healthier ways of being.
The stories, patterns, and insights shared with the therapist are heard, valued and are not exploited.

In unhealthy relationships, the interactions can be geared towards one person, usually the dominant personality in the pair. Dysfunction shows itself through a range of interactions. Sometimes those are overtly abusive, yet people don’t always recognise it when it’s not overt. There can be several reasons why signs are missed, but through therapy, the client can learn to see more of what is actually happening to them .

Once the client has experienced being heard and valued in therapy (and sometimes with a new friend, mentor at work, or other positive relationship) they grow their capacity for deeper experiences with another without becoming lost.
They will have developed the insights needed to remain aware of what’s happening to them, rather than getting caught in the drama or the day-to-day transactions. They will also learn to remove themselves when emotions are high or heated, and have the strength and emotional resilience to return at another time.

People can be exposed to the darker nature of others, but not realise it, because sometimes it’s difficult to comprehend. No one likes to feel duped, or taken as a fool which can lead people to staying in situations far too long as they feel ashamed at having entered them in the first place. Other times, we may only focus on the small aspects of the relationship that feel good or feed us- ignoring doubt, our little voice, and gut feelings that there is something not right. Through therapy, a client can learn to listen to this voice and make it grow stronger.

These experiences are not only for those who are more vulnerable, but sometimes these things happen to the people you wouldn’t expect. The strong, independent man or woman who has a full life may also, almost overnight, been left traumatised and devastated after becoming involved with someone who was able to get under their radar.

In therapy, considering relationships can be one aspect of the work. The therapy process can also enable people to look at areas of work, health and wellbeing, their spiritual life, as well as the relationships that run through each of these areas.

Below I share how a recent TV programme shone a light even further on the aspect of dysfunctional relating and relationships. It’s an extreme example but these kind of things do happen to some woman therefore I feel it’s important to highlight this .

On television, the entire idea of relationships has been glamorized, and the idea that someone can be so cruel and hurtful is too much for many to comprehend. We have been sold an amazingly unreal dream that a majority of people can never live up to. The script of many relationships is so far off from reality that when people realise this, but, they have no method to create a new set point, and trot along in monotonous, unsatisfying and sometimes soul-destroying situations.

I was recently reminded of the potential for abusive, destructive and damaging components of relationships after watching an episode of the television programme Dexter. This programmes story line and central theme, although sitting on the extreme end of the spectrum, is an area that people rarely discuss. It shows how quickly the ingredients for a unhealthy toxic relationship once added into the mix can quickly turn something from what felt wonderful to confusing, dissatisfying and scary overnight.

How people perceive and manage these experiences will depend on their belief system. Once someone is involved in a relationship of this kind, they may feel that they are so far down the road that turning back or starting again evokes a huge amount of fear- a classic scenario in domestic violence cases.

The episode of Dexter I watched reminded me of an extreme end of the spectrum. He took on a case investigating the suicides of several strong, independent women and found that they all had a common factor. They had all gone to see a therapist! But before you freak out and classify anyone in the helping profession as a psychopath, remember that this is a television show, not reality, and most therapists are licenced or regulated- anyhow read on. And even if this situation was completely outside reality, the things this programme highlighted were illuminating and led me to explore further.

Dexter, after making the link between the suicides and the therapist they were visiting , decided to visit this therapist. He searched the therapist’s office and found tapes of the therapy sessions with the women in question, and they showed how the therapist manipulated the information that the clients shared with him. The therapist encouraged the women to talk, and as the women encountered their deeper feelings of depression and hopelessness, he manipulated them to take them further into even darker spaces.

(It is extremely important to note that talking about your low moods and suicidal feelings isn’t wrong. However, you don’t want to do it for too long. A good therapist can help you acknowledge these feelings and help you move past them.)

Over the weeks of therapy, the therapist, through his knowledge of the tools used to build relationships and create dependency, created a dependency on him. When the women explored being down and not coping well, he encouraged more of this line of thinking. Some of the women explored suicide, and the questioning style he used led them to explore it with more fervour and seriousness.

Unlike the way real therapists would help their clients deal with these low feelings, he exploited the information for his own psychopathic desires and dark tendencies.

Dexter also started going through the process of learning about himself in the sessions he had with the therapist. And though Dexter was playing at being the patient, the line between his reasons for being there became blurred.

Being as acute as Dexter, the therapist was able to get under Dexter’s skin and make him question himself. The therapist got right into his psyche with a laser-like precision that left Dexter unhinged. This hadn’t happened to Dexter before, since the character had always been able to keep people at arm’s length.

Unlike the portrayal in this episode, therapy is a to help people grow and change.

What this episode dramatized and highlighted was how the therapist was able to use his tools to draw some very vulnerable women toward much darker consequences. These women were learning and discovering themselves, but only learning things that elicited low feelings and anxiety, not the resources that would help them get through it and build a resilience so they could start to feel hope for the future.

Strangely, this led me to explore psychopathology and the world of dating. I discovered several stories about how women who had been drawn into relationships with men that went on to take everything the woman had or lead them to turmoil and destruction. The same process had been utilized often in a very subtle way, to tap into their deeper needs – and of course, this happens to men too.

Before you start exploring the Internet and looking at the traits a psychopath, remember that it’s more about knowing who you are, acknowledging your needs and vulnerabilities and taking each step at a pace that feels right for you. It’s about knowing the subtle signs and being aware of someone else’s behaviour and potential agenda.

A person can draw you in for their own needs and have no real interest in you as a person. You are purely there for their benefit. What’s important is being aware that humans look to get their needs met. Some do it for themselves and some do it through others.

However, when we know that we can meet our own needs, we know that the purpose of a relationship is to compliments us. It’s mutually beneficial, and the both gain things from being together, instead of the need to find your other half or have someone else fill you up, which can put you in a vulnerable position.

Some people can make us feel incredibly important and valued. We can enjoy this process of being the someone else’s focus. After all, it relates to the human need for attention. The risk, however, is that if we have some elements of our childhood that were deficit in any of these areas, it can make us susceptible and vulnerable to the more astute and unscrupulous characters.

Dexter’s story highlights this even for him. He realizes he could meet someone like him, another psychopath. Even someone like this therapist he’s investigating could get into the cracks and expose him to his weaknesses. He was uncomfortable with being exposed—or intimate and in this case—it would have been the best decision of his life not to do so, since his mental state and life depended upon it.

I’ve met several women through my work who spent years in relationships that existed in different parts of the spectrum, from low-level dissatisfaction to outright abuse and neglect. Their past childhood experiences ,poor self-awareness, low self-esteem, and understanding of themselves and their boundaries meant they were at risk of meeting more friends and associates that were just as toxic, malfunctioning, or just plain wrong for them.

The journey from dysfunction to function can be a tough one, but those who are motivated by a deeper belief that there is something better, along with their own strength and integrity, can do so.

If this is you, find help from a relationship or family therapist, coach or mentor. Finding a safe space to talk about what is happening and what you really feel can be a good start.

Hollywood still sells to women the dream of being a princess. The one who finds a prince who swoops us up and rescues us, tells us that our wedding day has to be perfect and full of things for people to admire. But all this does is set many men and women up for disappointment.

It’s important to be aware that the desire to fall into social pressures to meet someone and raise a family can mean that sometimes your vision is skewed, and if you haven’t had great role models to teach you about yourself, it’s hard to know what you like and don’t like, want and need, and where your boundaries end and begin. That’s what you need to know about yourself before you should complicate embarking on anything serious like a relationship.

There is a lot of information on the Internet that highlights what a healthy relationship looks like. None of us are perfect, people who have been married and divorced we may now have some battle scars, but this is normal.

There are questions that you need to ask in the early stages of your relationship, even during the phase when the feel-good chemical is coursing through your veins.

The message here is to pay attention to your intuition and instincts, those small grumblings that stir. Sometimes we need space and quiet in which consider the messages, but never ignore this part of you.

Our emotions are there to help us spot the things in our energy field that either feel good or not. Our emotions help us be discerning about what and who we give our attention too.

If you have experienced any difficulties as a child with relationships and parental issues, or any types of adversity (domestic violence, trauma, family splits, loss and death) then you might need the help and support from a professional. Someone whose role it is to be neutral and keep their boundaries, listen to you and help you speak about the things that might blight the potential of a new relationship.

Some people meet others who are great and loving and kind, but if our past experiences are fraught and we grew up in unhealthy places, then we might not see the signs of someone who is also genuinely ok.

All relationships bring challenges from time to time. It’s how we can communicate and grow with that person that is important. It’s about how they look out for us when we are at our most vulnerable points.

If you are experiencing aggression, abuse or violence then seek out help – no one should have to live that way.
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Look up models of enlightened relationships, because it shows how each partner can explore their own interests and joys while being in a healthy union that opens up the potential for growth, openness, vitality, love and caring. Learn how to spot if your partner is emotionally literate and become that person yourself.

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