Burned by Church? (Responding to Wounds, Disappointments and Divisions)

Burned by Church? (Responding to Wounds, Disappointments and Divisions)

How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! (Psalm 133:1).

It is common to feel wounded or disappointed in church.

Are you—or is someone you know—bitter, cynical, angry or depressed because of disappointments or wounds experienced in church? If so, that's not unusual.

A. Here are some common complaints people make about church:

• "People aren't friendly there."

• "I don't like the sermons."

• "It is just like high school, with cliques and in-groups."

• "All the church is interested in is my money."

• "People gossip about me."

• "The pastor said something mean or untrue about me."

• "The leaders are hypocrites."

• "People snub me."

• "I won't tithe because they spend the money wrong."

• "The pastor (or a board member) had an affair."

• "No one returns my phone calls."

• "The people are judgmental."

B. How do people react to these disappointments?

They often:

• Become bitter, cynical or depressed.

• Stay in church, but complain and gossip.

• Lose faith or confidence in Jesus.

• Go to a different church.

• Stop attending any church.

• Start a new church.

C. How to deal with hurts and disappointments in church

If you have felt wounded by church, don't let those hurts destroy your faith or drive you away from fellowshipping with other believers. Instead, ask God to help you deal with the wounds wisely and press ahead in your walk with him.

God says all Christians collectively are the "body of Christ" (1 Corinthians 12:27).

Although he knows that we will face problems as we interact with one another, God tells us to function as a team and to respect each other (Romans 12 3-8 and 1 Corinthians 12:4-31).

May the following insights encourage and strengthen you!

1. Expect problems! Realize that everyone is imperfect.

We expect too much of our pastors, leaders and fellow Christians. We say things such as, "I expect mistreatment from non-Christians, but not Christians." But everyone is imperfect, including your pastor and fellow believers. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. People won't always be the loving, wise, patient persons you would like.

Look at leaders in the early church. They too were imperfect.

• Peter was guilty of hypocrisy (Galatians 2:11-12).

• Barnabas gave in to peer pressure (Galatians 2:13).

• Euodia and Syntyche argued (Philippians 4:2).

• Many of Paul's helpers were selfish (Philippians 2:20-21).

• Many were fearful (Acts 9:26).

• Peter actually said "no" to God (Acts 10:14).

Accepting the fact that everyone is imperfect can make a tremendous difference in your attitude. Ask yourself, "What do you expect from imperfect people?" The answer is obvious: Expect that from time-to-time even the most godly person will blow it. That's just part of life. Plus remember that you too are imperfect, and that sometimes you hurt or disappoint others.

1. Realize there may be more to the picture.

When you disagree with a decision, realize that you may not know all the facts. If you hear gossip about someone, it may not be accurate. Or if the pastor fires a friend of yours, it may be for a good reason, although there may be personal or confidential information that can't be made public.

If you make a suggestion that church leaders don't go along with, don't take it personally. Remember that they hear many points of view, and that whatever decision they make will disappoint someone.

Be aware that someone who ignores or mistreats you may be going through a hard time in life or be exhausted, super-busy or under pressure. (Even if this isn't the case, don't allow yourself to slip into bitterness.)

1. Realize you may be wrong.

There have been times when I disagreed about a decision made by a church I attended, yet I later discovered the church's leadership had been right. This knowledge helps me not get too upset if some things don't go the way I think they should.

Along the same lines, if someone at church criticizes you, don't immediately discount what is said. Even if he or she speaks with a poor attitude, there may be things you can learn.

1. Agree to disagree—courteously.

It's highly unlikely that you will agree with everything that is said or preached in any church!

1. If you are sure you are right about a concern, respond with love.

Remember that people are imperfect! In our human nature, we take disappointments and wounds personally, and we get upset. Yet God shows us an entirely different way to respond:
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:9).

Ask God to help you feel concern for someone who wounds or disappoints you. Then pray for him or her. Prayer can change things!

1. Look for the good in people. Focus on the positive.

It's easy to slip into a critical mentality and focus on others' faults. Yet people you are upset with undoubtedly do many things well. Don't slip into a condemning or judgmental attitude. See their gifts and strengths.

Honor your leaders, even if you sometimes disagree with them. Be sure to voice appreciation much more often than criticism. Remember that they undoubtedly have thrown much of their lives and energy into serving.

When you go to church, go with the attitude of, "What can I learn today? How can I grow in the Lord? How can I be a blessing to others?"

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things (Philippians 4:8).

1. Look at insults, disagreements and problems as opportunities to grow in the Lord

Problems present us with opportunities to grow in love, patience and wisdom. If you are insulted or think you have been mistreated, thank God for the opportunity to stretch and grow in him. Learn to turn to the Lord for your affirmation, not to others.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything (James 1:4).

1. Forgive others

Even if those who wound us do not apologize, God tells us to forgive. Look at the example of Stephen: He forgave the crowd even as they stoned him to death (Acts 7:60).
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).

1. Be part of the solution to problems in your church

• Pray for those with whom you are upset ... and for your attitude.
... Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you ... (Matthew 5:44).

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints (Ephesians 6:18).

• Identify needs and offer to fill them.

If you see a need in the church, volunteer to help with it. See if there is something concrete you can do to help resolve a problem or meet the need.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Philippians 2:3-4).

• Talk about problems—respectfully.

Don't bring up everything with which you disagree. However, when a problem comes up, be willing to talk about it with the appropriate person. Do so respectfully and lovingly. Be an instrument of reconciliation.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17)

If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men (Romans 12:18).

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29)

• Leave the results in God's hands.

Unless you need to take strong action (see below), once you have done what you think God has called you to do, put the results in God's hands. Continue to pray, but don't keep bringing the issue up.

• Do not gossip.

He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter (Proverbs 11:13).

• If you think you need to take strong actions, do so gracefully.
It is appropriate to take action if someone joins a cult, embezzles money, has an affair or engages in other serious sins. But even then, maintain an attitude of concern and prayer. Don't give in to bitterness.

1. If you leave your church, find another one.

It's usually much better not to leave your church. Remember that you are a family, and sometimes families have to work through unpleasant times. However, at times leaving may be the best thing to do.

If you do leave, be sure to seek out and attend another church. We need fellowship, and we need to take advantage of the ministries God provides for our growth.

It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ (Ephesians 4:13).

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Hebrews 10:25).

1. Don't give up on Jesus.

Don’t let disappointments in people cause you to be disappointed in Jesus. He loves you and is your best friend.

“I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:17-19)”.

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PRAY NOW FOR YOURSELF. PRAYER IS THE KEY.

JESUS HAS NOT STOPPED LOVING YOU.