What I Can Do to Promote Steem (Dark Humour)

Top ‘O the evening to yo folks. This piece is an entry into the Steemjet Writing Contest. Normally, I had pass but the topic, together with the heavenly smell of Sapele weed, triggered off a spark and felt I just had to spill it out on here. Besides, if it turns out to be a shitty entry, $1 upvote is guaranteed.

Alright, back to the philosophical quest: how do one promote steem?

1. I Will Shut Up

It means I will neither blab nor disturb the peace of everybody I meet on the street about a site where they can post and earn. Steem is not something you sell like crayfish. Take up the art of seduction and see how the magic happen. Are you in the midst of work mates or colleagues? Good. Pick out an amazing article you’ve read on Steemit and share it with them. For some reason, a funny video off dtube could go a long way. If you have no idea what I am talking about, check out @myndnow and @buttcoins for clips that bring gas to Uranus (pun intended).

Do not go with any of that “post, blog, earn” line of crap bullshit. Because it doesn’t. I rather go with slyly sharing of “exceptional” steemit posts on my Facebook wall or Instagram page. There is power in silence and few things are as powerful as silent seduction. Let them be the one “wowing” after reading the “exceptional” piece and pointing out that they noticed $$ at the footnotes of the blog posts. It is at this point, you pounce and sell.

_{Take them out when they least expect.}

2. Connect with People Before Selling

A lot of people undermine how inadequate text is in terms of relating and getting to know people. Reason why you wake up disgusted in the morning to strange one-liners of links on your WhatsApp or Discord DM instructing you to please vote for them. Don’t they irritate the life out of you?

Exactly.

So, in my quest to preach forth the steem-news, I solemnly swear to use the best of my abilities to establish basic human courtesies before ever bringing up the steem broadcast. And if you think it is a hard and arduous process – because it actually is – uploading the nude pic of your junk should you be a guy or your chuwawa should you be a girl really speeds things up. No lie. Try it first before debating such well researched and documented scientific finding. Prof. Belemo Kikigha, Lead Researcher for the National Institute of Penis Research and Development (NIPRD) duly attests to this fact.

_{Mr. @belemo, Special Adviser to President Buhari on Reproductory Systems and Penile matters.}

3. Bring in Celebrities

Even if it is just one. For all of the jargons @steemitblog like vomiting on their, well, Steemit blog, you and I know that the fastest way for steem to gain mass adoption is when the likes of Jay Z and Beyonce start dropping lines like “for more information, follow me at @beyonce4reals on Steemit.com” or “log on to @dlive to catch the live stream”. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows. But Steemit doesn’t know it. Or they do. I don’t know. I don’t care.

But you get the point. @Sisygoboom could erect a banner over Tyne Bridge telling Ed Sheeran to give steem a try. @Exyle and @roelandp could team up and trick Anouk Teeuwe into extending her social media prescence to steem even if it means offering her a threesome while yours truly focuses on convincing the likes of CrazeClown to open a channel and give @dtubedaily a run for their money.

On @fyrstikken’s latest post, I saw something about steem only mooning when the real investors come in and I mentally asked myself “what will attract those investors to steem?” Who makes the likes of Instagram and Snapchat valuable? Imagine all the celebrities on those two social media platforms deleting their accounts? Now imagine them having an account on Steem. I seriously can’t pull it out of you like a midwife if you can’t see that no matter how much grammar we keep speaking on here, the mob – mass adopters – only move when their idols – celebrities – does so.

Yes Ned’s SMTs shows that our high chief’s plan is to bring as many entrepreneurs on the blockchain. However, who will be around to buy what they plan to sell? Bid bots? Should the celebs make it here, customers won’t be a big deal.

_{"The mob is always impressed by appearance and results; and the world is composed of the mob" - Nicollo Machiavelli}

4. Walk the Talk

Here, I will live by whatever word I preach to an investor or newbie. For example, I can’t be telling you to keep working hard, never give up while at the same time making out with vote-trading. This is where I will also ask @freedom or any other bot-loving sugar daddy out there to delegate his steem power to me. I will take the sacred oath never to self-vote those buncha circle jerks write-ups I call my blog posts. Hear me Freedy, that 7 million SP will be used to chase struggling minnows pants down and upvote the shit outta their posts.

Even if you feel I am too crazy to be trusted with such amount try turning away from bid butts towards a more diversified net of community movements like #comedyopenmic who’s been running a contest for the past 16 weeks just to bring laughter to the blockchain. @Curie and @ocd communities sre doing more than professional medical practitioners in driving down the rate of suicide among writers who struggle to come to terms that a piece of art they devoted days crafting only brought back $0.01 on post payout day.

_{At least on Facebook, people tapped the Like button to give you a little bit of self worth.}

5. Tell the Truth

Lastly, I will tell them that steem is shit and awesome at the same time. Yes, tell the truth! Avoid the danger of a single story. Steemit is not a Ponzi scheme. I will never sell it as one. With unreasonable promises and unrealistic returns. None of that bullshit. Steemit is work and building of relationships. It is a fucking social media site. Let the lure of crypto not make any one forget that. Like your typical real life urban city, it got its slums and Residential Areas. Where you end up largely depends on an inherited fortune, serendipity or plain hustling.

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There you have it folks. My Steem Promotion Blueprint.

Go ahead tell me what you think.

Oh wait, no one will even read this article.

What a shame.

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_{External images were sourced from pixabay.com. Banner was created by the Patron saint of the Nigerian Steemit community: Most Very Rev. Fr. @pangoli}