Love is an action Word, not a thought. I would tell my wife. I feel as if my heart is being torn from my chest and no matter what I do, nothing can stop it.

I am watching my wife of a decade walk away and I can't stop it. She says "She's not", but I am not blind.

(please Listen to this song)
I feel so much hurt and pain, Knowing that I caused this damage. You see, if you look back through blog you will read that I am a recovering drug addict. I always worked, I never cheated, I never hit her.

My sin, I was a selfish drug user who couldn't see past my own needs, and was not attentive to her thoughts and feelings due to the hold of the drugs I was using.

She still comes and sees me here at treatment where I have been almost 1 year, to put myself back together. She still says "I love you" but I can see that it is just words now. She doesn't look at me like she used to, she doesn't laugh with me like she used to, she doesn't share her dreams with me anymore.

This has been like watching a car accident in slow motion, I just want her to grab me and hold me, and tell me "I am the most important person in her world.". The thing is that I know that I am no longer that person. That realization hurts so much, I feel like dying. I won't, but I feel like it.

I know that if I never picked up the drugs when I relapsed some time ago, this story would be very different, but it is what it is.
I am not letting go, she is still there so I feel there could be some hope, it is a faint hope. If she could only see me for who I am today, not that selfish drug addict killing himself with every fix but I giving, loving, caring, concerned husband.

you can't change someone's perspective, unless they are open to it. So I wait in pain holding on to that faint light that she will see that the man she married is back better than ever.

God knows, I deserve this. I put drugs ahead of her over, and over, and over again. She has every right to feel however she does.

Love is an action, and I didn't show that action for a long period of time because I was in love with a drug. This drug was so powerful that it killed me physically many times and I was lucky enough to have survived. More Importantly it killed my ability to feel love, give love, to myself or anyone else. This seems to be the nature of a powerful addiction.

I am grateful to have a place like Steemit, to work out my thoughts and feelings. Like an open diary of sorts, it has a healing property to let others know where you are, without holding back any detail of whats going on.

I know I have not really been that active here or on discord, but I want all who know me a little or none at all. There was many reasons why and this was one of them. It is hard for me to communicate with others when I am so caught up, and lonely. Feeling like a piece of your soul is being taken from you without your consent. I by nature am a very quiet, deep person. I ponder things and don't say too much, but I have a lot to say.

A walking contradiction. That is me, I feel.

I want all the people who know me and read my blogs such as @artaddict, @surpassinggoogle, @transisto, @sultnpapper, @greatvideos, @neoxian, @gogogadgetupvote,@swolesome,@ausbitbank,@steemitqa, and all of my friends at @oracles groups on steemit.

I am hurting right now and just trying to work my way through this, so in a way I am reaching out to all of you for your friendship and support. I know I can't make it alone, and I realized that you guys and gals mean something to me, even though it is online.

I feel lost and sad right now, and can't figure this out in a way that doesn't end with my heart broken. I will not pick any drug over this, but I feel so strongly, I can't think straight half the time.

I hope this post finds you all doing well and enjoying the boost in sbd value and steem, that is awesome! but for me right now a million steem wouldn't change the way I feel.

Peace and Love to all of you