Join us tonight in THE PLAYHOUSE for episode 13 of the Steem Monsters Tavern! You'll laugh. Oh, you'll laugh.

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It's the best thing you can do on Friday night (unless you have plans). Every Friday, from 6-8 EST, @CarrieAllen, @ChrisRoberts, @EngineWitty and friends have a blast with The Playhouse, the only original Steem sketch comedy show! We'll be streaming live from https://www.vimm.tv/@carrieallen

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We do cold readings of all-original material. I'm usually able to get two or three new sketches written each week, but we would LOVE to have some more listener-submitted hilarity. Come play with us, Danny!

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Tonight we've got a brand new Cat Ladies, this gem of a Steem Monsters Tavern, and we'll dig some good stuff from the ol' vault, which is getting pretty full. On to the script!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern - Episode 13 - “Trivia”
By Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Beginning and ending only.
GOBLIN SORCERER - The bartender.
PIT OGRE - Seems like a nice guy. Hasn’t hung around the tavern much.
DEFENDER OF TRUTH - Kind of an idiot.
SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT - Has a codependent relationship with his horse.
LORD OF DARKNESS - Exhausted from lots of battling.

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

SOUND FX - BAR AMBIANCE THROUGHOUT NARRATOR SPEECH

NARRATOR
In the mysterious realm of the Enchanted Woods, far away from the chaos of the Splinterlands, our monster friends are living it up in the Steem Monsters Tavern. Tonight is trivia night! The Goblin Sorcerer at the bar is having a conversation with the Pit Ogre while he finishes setting up for trivia contest. Thunderous footsteps can be heard surrounding the tavern.

SOUND FX - GIANT FOOTSTEPS

GOBLIN SORCERER
Exactly how many Giants are out there, Pit Ogre?

PIT OGRE
Beats me. At least six or seven. One of ‘em almost stepped on me on my way in. He said he was Peaceful but I’m not so sure.

GOBLIN SORCERER
How does it feel to be the little guy for a change?

PIT OGRE
It sucks.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Look at me, dude! I’m two feet tall!

PIT OGRE
Yeah, yeah. Are we gonna get this trivia underway any time soon?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m all ready to go, but we can’t start until the Lord of Darkness gets here. He’s psyched about tonight’s theme.

PIT OGRE
What’s the theme?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Steem Monsters.

PIT OGRE
...What do you mean?

GOBLIN SORCERER
The Theme is Steem Monsters. You know, the game.

PIT OGRE
I’m not aware of any game.

GOBLIN SORCERER
You know how you’ve been, like, suddenly transported into battle a lot lately?

PIT OGRE
How do you know about that? I only told my shrink.

GOBLIN SORCERER
No, it happens to all of us. There’s a giant, interdimensional game of playing cards, and we’re the pawns.

ENTER DEFENDER OF TRUTH

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
There are no pawns in playing cards!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh great. It’s the Defender of Truth.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
Wherever there is folley, you’ll find me! Whenever claims are exaggerated, I’ll be there! To all those whose tunics really do make them look fat, look out, for I am the Defender of Truth!

GOBLIN SORCERER
What the hell was all that?

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
Just a new introduction thing I’ve been working on. Do you like it?

GOBLIN SORCERER and PIT OGRE
No.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
My, you’re a big Pit Ogre. Small, compared to those Giants outside though. One of them nearly crushed me on my way in, the one that calls himself the Peaceful Giant.

PIT OGRE
Hmm. Peaceful Giant with a propensity for crushing monsters. Great, I wonder what the tougher Giants will be like.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Ooh. “Propensity”. Somebody’s ready for tonight’s trivia.

PIT OGRE
The Magi of the Forest loaned me a dictionary. Do you know how many words there are? Hundreds.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
Ogres are not known for being good at math or counting.

PIT OGRE
Hey! Why would you say that?

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
I am the Defender of Truth! Please do not smash me with your club.

PIT OGRE
For your information, I have a rare degenerative Ogre disease called Ogoriphus Ogritis. We still haven’t found a cure.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
Oh no! I’m so sorry! Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?

GOBLIN SORCERER
This oughtta be good.

PIT OGRE
Uh, yeah. The only thing that can ease the pain of my Ogrorious Orgrithis is… the, uh, highest pinecone from the tallest tree in the forest.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
That sounds a bit peculiar, but who am I to question the ways of science? I shall retrieve the pinecone you require and return post-haste!

EXIT DEFENDER OF TRUTH

PIT OGRE
You could ask the Peaceful Giant to help you!

GOBLIN SORCERER
You don’t really have a disease, do you?

PIT OGRE
Of course not. There are no diseases in Steem Monsters.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Except poison.

PIT OGRE
I hate poison!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Everybody hates poison, so let’s just move on!

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
Hello, fair gentlemonsters of the Tavern!

GOBLIN SORCERER
This is the Silvershield Knight. He always tries to bring his horse in here. [loudly] Hello, Silvershield Knight! Out for your evening ride?

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
You know fully well sir that I’ve come for trivia! Yesterday I was informed by your barback that horses would be allowed in for trivia!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oof! Sorry! That was Darth Beta, and he’s not really qualified to allow things! He’s also just afraid to say no to anyone!

PIT OGRE
[to Goblin Sorcerer] What is the Silver Shield?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Where have you been? It’s some kind of medieval cosplay club. We love to make fun of ‘em around here. [loudly] Just read the sign by the door!

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
I don’t see what good that will do! I’ve read the sign before… wait! There is a new sign! It says: “For a good time, call the Spirit of the Forest.”

GOBLIN SORCERER
Huh. Someone must have switched my sign. It’s true, though. Call the Spirit of the Forest for a good time.

PIT OGRE
Good to know, but I don’t have her number.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, she doesn’t have a phone. She can usually be found out there in the woods somewhere, convening with the trees.

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
So can I come in for trivia or not?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Not! Unless you leave your horse outside.

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
But he has separation anxiety!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Not my problem! Can you move aside so that Centaur can come in?

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
But Centaurs are almost the same as horses! Ugh! I’ll be back with reinforcements!

ENTER LORD OF DARKNESS

LORD OF DARKNESS
Alright, who else wants a piece of the Lord of Darkness?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Goldie! How’s it going my man? Trouble outside?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I’m getting tired of all these Giants wandering around the woods. That big ginger one damn near stepped on me.

PIT OGRE
You must mean the Peaceful Giant.

LORD OF DARKNESS
He didn’t seem very peaceful. Anyway, I tried to use fear on him, you know, get him to run away. But it turns out fear isn’t even an ability anymore.

GOBLIN SORCERER
But Goldie, without Fear, what can you do?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I’m not gonna lie. Fear makes it a lot easier to win battles, but don’t worry about me little man. I’ve still got Trample, Retaliate, Enrage, Stun and Shield.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sorry big guy, but I heard you don’t have Trample anymore either.

LORD OF DARKNESS
What? C’mon!

PIT OGRE
Losing your abilities, huh? That sucks.

LORD OF DARKNESS
And who the hell are you?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sorry Goldie, this is the Pit Ogre. Pit Ogre, may I present his dark eminence, the Lord of Darkness.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Pit Ogre, huh? I’ve heard of you. Here for trivia, I presume.

PIT OGRE
Yep. Winner gets a Heliostone.

LORD OF DARKNESS
High stakes… There could be trouble.

PIT OGRE
I’m not scared. You don’t have the fear ability anymore, remember?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Dammit! Is anybody else losing their abilities?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Not that I know of. I guess you were just too Legendary.

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s all starting to make sense. The Silver Shield twerp outside didn’t cower like he usually does when I brandished my flame whip.

GOBLIN SORCERER
He’s just mad cause we won’t let his horse into the Tavern.

LORD OF DARKNESS
...And I been losing an awful lot of battles lately. The Haunted Spirit’s been making me look like a damn fool.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s too bad, Goldie. Can I get you a litre of dark scnapps?

LORD OF DARKNESS
You know, that sounds pretty good. You’re a hell of a bartender, Frank.

PIT OGRE
What are dark schnapps?

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s like schnapps, except dark.

PIT OGRE
Sounds good. Maybe I’ll try some.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I wouldn’t. If you’re not a Dark Eternal the dark schnapps kind of boils your entrails. Stand clear! Dark Schnapps coming up!

SOUND FX - GOBLIN MAGIC

PIT OGRE
Is it supposed to be frothing and steaming like that?

LORD OF DARKNESS
You know it! Goblin Frank knows just how I like ‘em! Better give me some space, Mr. Pit Ogre. Dark schnapps fumes are notoriously noxious to ogres.

PIT OGRE
I’ll leave you to it, then. I’ve still got half a dictionary to read anyway.

EXIT PIT OGRE

GOBLIN SORCERER
Just do me a favor, Goldie, and don’t leave the dark schnapps on the bar unattended. Last time the Feral Spirit got into it… He’s not exactly alive, so it didn’t boil his entrails. It just gave him some bad diarrhea. It took the beta Lord of Darkness hours to clean up that mess.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Never thought I’d say this, but you should cut Darth Beta some slack. He’s one-of-a-kind.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Whaaaaa?!

LORD OF DARKNESS
No, check it out. You know how some of us monsters are Legendary, like me?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah?

LORD OF DARKNESS
And how some of us are common, like you?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Rub it in, why don’t you.

LORD OF DARKNESS
No, what I’m saying is, there’s only one of me.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I know. We talk about that pretty much all the time.

LORD OF DARKNESS
How many times have you had to battle in the last week?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Two. I remember them well. One victory, one trouncing. Damn Spineback Turtle and his thorns!

LORD OF DARKNESS
You know how many times I’ve had to battle?

GOBLIN SORCERER
How many?

LORD OF DARKNESS

GOBLIN SORCERER
Whaaaa?!

LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s what I’m saying. There’s a bunch of Goblin Sorcerers out there in the Splinterlands, so when one is needed for battle, there are a bunch to choose from. Me, I’m just me, and I’m always getting summoned to battle.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That sucks. I never even thought about that.

LORD OF DARKNESS
And I’m not the only one. All the Legendaries, most of the Epics, even some of the rares. One-of-a-kind. Even our pal Darth Beta is one-of-a-kind.

GOBLIN SORCERER
So that’s why I haven’t seen the Legendaries around as much lately.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah, we’re battling all the time. I mean, the people who play this game must have literally no lives.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Seriously. The biggest nerds in the universe!

BOTH LAUGH

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s nice to get off my hooves for a minute. I think I’m developing shin splints.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oof, those are the worst. I sometimes get tennis elbow.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Dammit, I wish I still had trample!

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s okay, I’m sure some other monsters’ abilities disappeared too.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Who the hell still has trample?!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Calm down, big guy.

LORD DARKNESS
I mean it! Who’s got it?

GOBLIN SORCERER
The Silver Shield Knight has trample, he’s right outside.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Cool, cool. I’ll be right back. I’m going to go punch his horse right in the face.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Hurry back and we’ll get trivia started!

SOUND FX - BAR AMBIENCE THROUGHOUT

NARRATOR
Ad so, the Lord of Darkness strode angrily from the Tavern, directly to the Silvershield Knight, and without hesitation, punched his horse in the face. The horse went down hard, but don’t worry… the poor beast sustained no permanent injury. As a matter of fact, while the horse was unconscious for a time, the Silvershield Knight came in and joined the trivia fun. The Swamp Thing took the evening’s trivia crown with its precious Heliostone down into the swamps. He didn’t actually win. He just took the prizes. In spite of the sudden swamp-thievery, a wonderful time was had by all! Join us next time in the Steem Monsters Tavern!

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

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See you in the Playhouse!

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