Conficker's Journal #2; Analysing My Own Experience

Max Pixel

It's 1989, my father was waiting anxiously outside the delivery room, waiting while repeatedly blaming himself for slapping my mom when she was 28 weeks pregnant. They have some sort of argument and it didn't go so well so like any other guys who felt intimidated, he started to resort to physical violence to establish his dominance. Well, to cut the story short, she fell on her knees, bleeding and 20 minutes later, she was brought to the hospital nearby by my neighbours after my father stormed out of the house.

It was cruel, I agree, but physical abuse between a husband and wife (which is also known as the intimate partner violence (IPV)) has always been a serious global health concern which is usually associated with problems related to physical injuries, mental distress etc. A review journal which has been published in 1996 has found that approximately 8.3% of the pregnant women populating Europe, North America and Scandinavia experienced IPV.

After 3 hours of enduring pain, feeling restless and crying through a horrible psychological distress, I was finally born, though I was a premature baby back then. It is crucial for me to get all of the necessary care and treatment that a hospital can give as the mortality rate of a preterm baby is quite high. Thank god, most of the bills incurred were subsidised by the government, otherwise, my mother would not afford to pay for a 10,000 USD treatment when she barely made 500 USD per month.

We are quite poor and when I was growing up my mother has always steered me towards the science stream. She would buy me several books that I have to read but let me tell you something, it is quite difficult for me to finish even just one book when I was 7 years old as I can't concentrate more than a minute. She felt disappointed but one day when she brought me to a dentist for a tooth extraction, the dentist noticed that I have some symptoms which might be pointing towards the diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD).

Well, the dentist told my mother to bring me to a child psychiatrist to be examined and you know what, when she heard the word "psychiatrist", she freaked out. She started to call every single one of her family members, seeking advice and after a much intense argument between them, she agreed to bring me to a psychiatrist where I've been diagnosed with ADHD. When I was in the medical school, a doctor used to tell me that, the word "Attention Deficit" in the ADHD diagnosis is actually a misnomer. ADHD people have the same level of attention with anyone else but the distribution of attention is quite imbalanced. Let's take a look at the graph below as an example of the illustration made:

People Without ADHD. (The Graph Was Created In NCES Site).

People With ADHD. (The Graph Was Created In NCES Site).

People who were diagnosed with ADHD usually have hyperfocus on certain activities. They might have a great attention span in a single or a few very specific activities but certainly not in any of the activities which they were perceived as having "lack of attention". This is however not applicable to all of the people who have been diagnosed with ADHD. Anyway, one of the things my mother realised is that, I have a great attention span watching television compared to reading books, so she started to buy a few videos which are appropriate to my age to spark my interest towards sciences.

It works, well along with a few tablets of Ritalin, a drug which usually prescribed to people with ADHD. If you are quite familiar with this kind of drug, then you would know it can improve your concentration and generally makes your parents less worry regarding your performances at school as an ADHD kid. A few studies which have been conducted in the past concluded that people (especially kid) which have been taking Ritalin for ADHD are more likely to abuse substance like stimulants. This can be due to the fact that, they will try to make themselves feel better by self-medicating after they felt relieved by Ritalin.

Editor182 - Wikimedia (CC0)

It's good that I've never taken any drugs which are not prescribed by doctors and I've never smoked either. Approximately 36% of the young adults which have been smoking chronically have the history of taking Ritalin when they were a kid. Don't get me started on the bad effect which can be caused by smoking; I think the consequences of smoking tobacco or any related products are generally known by the majority if not all of the human's population but quitting will be difficult as hell. That's why most of them have never opted out from smoking; sometimes not even trying to.

When I was a 17 years old kid, I was told to make a career decision which would undeniably change the course that I would be taking for the rest of my life. Of course, most of the people don't really care to make this kind of decision early on but I've become obsessed with analysing my own passion to decide which route I should take to make my future looks brighter. I've tried almost everything and finally, I've realised that my interest seems to be aligned with the health sciences. After getting appropriate qualifications, I signed up for a pre-medical program in 2008. It was after a few months of experiencing the life as a university student that my mother fell sick.

She just fainted while doing some works, and one of my neighbours notify me when she was being admitted to the cardiology unit for a hypertensive cardiomyopathy. I've never known my mother had hypertension. That kind of attitude, to be somewhat curious about what kind of disease runs in your family doesn't cross my mind; I guess I'm not curious enough. Anyway, at the same time, I had some financial and relationship issue, so this kind of news, pretty much affect me in some ways. After a few months, I had a few symptoms which suggest anxiety so I went to a psychiatrist to sort it out. It turns out, it is not anxiety, but depression, specifically, major depressive disorder.

Max Pixel

Major depressive disorder (MDD) can be quite debilitating. I cried a few times without any apparent reasons, I'm always tired, I'm overeating...... well the list goes on. Like any other type of depressive symptoms, people usually knew they were depressed but in my case, the depression was represented in the form of anxiety and muscle pain, a condition which is called as the psychosomatic disorder. That's why I never knew I had them until I was diagnosed. Depression indeed a silent killer; why is it called a killer? In a study conducted by Isometsa ET et al in 1994 has found that, out of 229 cases of suicide, 71 of them are associated with depression and if they were treated, they were treated inadequately.

When it comes to depression, the obvious cause could be genetics even though there is no way I could have confirmed that. My mother has been abused by my father long before I was born so if she was genetically predisposed to get depression, she would have it. I never knew she has been suffering all this while, and let me tell you something, any mother would have done anything to ensure whatever they were going through stay hid from their children, to ensure they were happy. After being diagnosed, I was prescribed with selective serotonin inhibitor (Lexapro) along with a hypnotic (Clonazepam) to help me sleep.

I was rather disappointed with the fact that I need to become pharmacologically dependant while being in the final year of my medical school. I have to deal with a lot of side effect from the drugs which include stomachache, nausea, vomiting, insomnia and ironically, depression. Some anti-depressant were known to cause manic symptoms, depression and suicidal ideation. Anyway, I've decided not to eat the medicine and started to change my life routine. I've started to exercise more, plan carefully my meal and sleep adequately, although sometimes I need to take some pills to sleep but I would ensure it is on the right timing.

Moyan Brenn - Wikimedia (CC BY 2.0)

Today, marked the 29th year of my life. It's also has been a year since I buried my own mother. Funny isn't it when the death of your mother fall on the day which you were born. Even if we lived in poverty for almost two decades of my life, we were satisfied. Now it's time for me to continue what seems to be my mother's wishes to see me succeed in life. She has taught me so much and now, it is time to put every single lesson into use. Only a few months left before I can get my full license as a medical doctor and only after that, I can imagine seeing her smile.

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This article is quite different from any other articles I have made in the past. All of the things that I have mentioned are either from my own experience or what have been told by my mother when she was alive

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Sources

• Risk of Spontaneous Preterm Birth in Relation to Maternal Exposure to Intimate Partner Violence During Pregnancy
• The Ritalin debate
• Suicide in major depression

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