[LIFE VIEW] Wanting to change others.
Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
Barack Obama
Oh my, this is a problem I've had for a very long time. It's a horrible trait to have, I'll tell you that much. However the good news is that I have identified that I have this problem, and I'm working on a way to fix it, or get rid of it would be a better term to use. It's funny though because I didn't even know I was doing this to others. I thought I was doing nothing wrong while I was doing it. I thought I was helping people where in actuality I wasn't. I was judging them, dictating to them what to do or how to act.
I always thought it was a good idea to tell people what to do. To let them know that if they do such and such a thing such and such a way, that they are heading for disaster and that they must stop doing it. The world we live in is filled with billions of people with different personalities and all those people are in their own walk with life. They have their own struggles and conflicts they are dealing with. It is not for me to save them if they're doing something wrong, and that is what I didn't realise until recently.
I'm the type of guy who always wants to help others. I always want to be there for when someone needs me. Unfortunately that works to my disadvantage at times. You see, I get extremely passionate about things, and when I see someone doing something that I know is leading them down a path of destruction, I step in and try to be their white knight. This is wrong! I am nobody's saviour. Everyone has the right to lead their own lives and make their own decisions and mistakes.
That person will not learn from their mistakes if you're always going to be there to fix it. But I digress. By seeing that person doing whatever, you have to leave them alone and let them do whatever they're doing. I have tried to change people in my lives, and you know what, it doesn't work. Actually, you do more damage than good. The person gets defensive, arguments breakout, and it just leads to fighting and a whole bunch of other things. To top it all off, when you tell someone to not do something, they usually go out of their way to continue doing it.
You have to leave people and let them be who they want to be. If you're with someone and that person's character or personality or habits don't agree with you, or if their ways have a strong conflict with your morals, then walk away. You cannot change them. You can give advice sure, but you cannot change someone. That is their choice to change when and if they want to. It's not for you to judge them even, which I also struggle with. Let people live their lives. if you don't like it, then find other people who's morals agree with yours, and hang out with them then.
This was and is a tough lesson for me. I have in a way lost people because I have tried to change them. My efforts were met with hostility and yes in some cases disgust. To top it all off, the thing I told the person not to do or change was the very thing which I was doing in my life. How's that for irony? When you try and change someone you put yourself in the category as someone who loves to delegate, to dictate, and to judge. That is not a category you want people to put you in, including you putting yourself into that category!
From my past experiences I can safely say, try not to change people. If it's a problem you have like I had and sometimes still do, try and remind yourself that everyone has the right to live their lives as they see fit. No matter how bad it is, no matter how bad their choices are going to affect them. When I learned that and when I realised that I must try and better myself, so that people can see the change from within me, it got easier. That heaviness of, "Oh my so-and-so is doing that again" is lifted when you free yourself from trying to play the White Knight.
It is hard for me at times when I see people I care about doing things that are damaging them and the others around them, but I have to remind myself it's their choice. Who am I to step in and tell them what to do? Who am I to tell them, "You should change your ways and do it this way"? I'm not God. I am a human with my own issues and how would I like it if someone approached me and told me what to do or that I should change? I would most certainly not like that at all.
So in closing, I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I've done and what I'm doing to prevent myself from falling into that routine of trying to change people. People need to want to change, from within. If someone doesn't want to change then you can lecture them until you're blue in the face, it won't help at all and you'll just be wasting your time. They must want to change and when they reach that point, and only when they reach it, will they actually put in some decent effort to change.
Until then, all you can do is pray for them and try to give them practical, non judgmental advice.
