When Steems Collide [Steem Wars]
So this is what the Steem Lite had in mind for my destiny? Poo? Really? Shaking my head and ruffling my tutu, I look for the Queen of the planet Shabba. The Steem mind-meld reading told me she was also the leader of the Qluegnishea rebellion when we first met. The stench of faeces is strong with this planet.
“Your Highness?” I call into every room of the shitty palace. The creatures I assume are her guards watch me. At least, I think they’re watching me. Hard to tell with those yellow eyes that look like corn. Some have green eyes that look like peas, but they’re probably nobles or something. There are even a few covered in glitter and gold on their fur. I think it’s fur?
The plan was to kidnap the Queen, blame it on the rebellion, subdue the masses with propaganda the way only the Empire knows how, and claim the planet. Darth Speedy didn’t mention it was going to happen yet. Maybe the Steem Lite isn’t compatible with the Dark in mind-meld reading and I misunderstood?
“You there!” One of the yellow-eyed creatures slogs toward me.
“Me?” I turn around, hoping someone was behind me.
“Where is our Queen?”
Funny, I was about to ask the same thing. It holds a potato cannon at me and gurgles. Probably their way of growling. If they don’t know, and we haven’t enacted the plan yet… Is this by Steem a chance of luck that the rebellion actually kidnapped the Queen?
Oh, Master, wherefore art thou?
Ani-won, my padawhine, search your bowels.
Of course he’s cryptic. When I don’t need him, he’s very detailed—to the obscene at times.
The creature-guard aims his cannon and shoots. A ball of poo hits me in the gut and I heave a sigh—both at the impact and the smell.
“What in Steem are you doing?!” Another ball of poo fires and hits my butt as I turn around. My poor tutu is ruined. “Stop that.” I wave my hand. The creature-guard stops firing and echoes my words. Well, shit. The Steem Lite is still with this old Git.
Just when I think it’s over, the creature-guard calls for back-up and they all fire at me. Balls of poo fly everywhere, soiling my whole body and hitting each other in the process. Friendly-fire seems to be more a car-wash play than an offense to these things. They’re even wearing bikinininis and rubbing themselves. Gag.
Buried in a mound of shit, I wait out the fight scene that should have been more action-packed and with more sci-fi sound effects than it actually had. An electron-sword would be handy right now, if I didn’t lose my right hand years ago and replaced it with a C-3-Poo-0’s one. Wait, my hand is the key!
Activating the integrated poo-shovelling feature of the broid the hand used to belong to, I dig myself out of the dried shit heap. The creatures have left and sounds of war echo through the palace grounds. As I run to the balcony and look down at the riot—or is it a dance party?—Darth Speedy walks down the hallway. Heard his breathing a mile away. I wonder if he suffers from Ashshma?
“Did you get her already?” I face him.
“Wasn’t me.” His crackling mechanical voice is deeper than before. Maybe the tonal control is broken.
I shrug. “Then I guess we won’t be lying when we tell them.”
“I will do the honours. For conquest!”
“You sure? Sounds like you’re struggling to breathe as it is.”
He turns around, flinging his cape in the air to make a bubble, and stormtroops off down the hallway and out the palace. What do I know of subduing worlds? He’s probably done this many times. Besides, the Steem is strong with him and I trust the Steem, even if it’s not so Lite.
Leaning over the balcony, I watch as the dance party ends and the music is switched off. Darth Speedy addresses them—post-stamp and all—and they sing or shout when he promises them all the poo-cannons they could want if they bowed to him. I think that’s what they’re doing now. Either bowing, or throwing up. Can’t tell under the shit and fur.
A gust of wind blows, carrying a faint voice. At first, I wave it away, thinking it my old Master, but the voice is different. A British accent, followed by a BBS trademark.
Last week wasn't that good, can't believe your crew did that!
Strange things travel with the Steem.
What is this? This is part of the Steem Wars parody series hosted on @thewritersblock. My crew, The Darths, are on a mission to conquer the galaxy far, far away.
Meet the Darths:
- @hispeedimagins as Darth Speed
- @anikekirsten as Ani-won Kirsten
- @Jayna as Jayna the Hutt
- @Hazem91 as Noont Ewan
- @foxfiction as Darth Fox
The Chronicles of the Darths:
Mission I:
Read the announcement, the initiation, and the call to arms, then read the mission updates to learn more. Checkout the Steemshelves page for all Steem Wars posts.
Why not come over to The Writers’ Block if you want to join in on the fun, by clicking the graphic below:
Well this was shit...
Here is my shitvote. :D
Lol. This is shit-tastic. Thanks!
I remember to read you from time to time and I always like it.
I rarely read sci-fi anymore, with work and Steem and DIY projects at my home, but today I read it.
Glad to see you support the good witnesses too, I have talked to some of them and I support the claim of being good :D
Yeah, know what you mean with life getting in the way. Glad you get to read some, though. Reading sci-fi is life. Thanks, Alex!
Being good as witness is always a good thing, haha.
I am also a bigger Star-Trek fan than Star Wars..
So i don't mind the parody :D
Ok, this was pretty crappy, Anike. Srsly. WTF.
I'm not sure I will be able to get the image of poop and bikinis and car washes out of my head now.
Lol you mean bikinininis 😂
And that cover photo Ani-wan! Omg 😅
This is getting more and more fun every day
Lol. Yes, bikinininis. Can't wait to see where this mission goes with your post, Hazem. It's real fun. Wonder what our next mission will be...
This is what happens in the Steem universe. shrugs then cackles Hey, it could've been worse...