Steem Wars, Mission 2: Part 7: The Goofy Looking Beings Strike Back! (Comedy Open Mic Rd. 17, Entry 2)

This is Part 7 of a community-written, sci-fi parody serial!

Part 1: Steem Wars: Be There or Be Square, by @tanglebranch
Part 2: Hip to be Square, by @negativer
Part 3: I Can See Squarely Now, or Number Two on Planet Three, by @caleblailmusik
Part 4: Thank the Gods for the Red Shirts, by @jasonbu
Part 5: Steem Wars: Swept Away, by @tanglebranch
Part 6: Lost in Spaces, by @negativer
Part 7: The Goofy Looking Beings Strike Back!, by @caleblailmusik (This one!)

Our Mission:

As delivered by @gmuxx, The Time Lord: Galacdictator Tangle et al.... a distress signal has been detected in the Quadrangular Quadrant. Source unknown, species unknown. Take thine crew and investigate / rescue / dominate whoever it is disturbing the galactic peace.

Our Crew:

Galacdictator Tangle (@tanglebranch): Character profile here
Underlord Negavader (@negativer): Character profile here
Byepeex Reist-Stoomtrooper Destroyer (@jasonbu): Character profile here
Sixty-Wine (@caleblailmusik): Character profile here
Dr. Barley Whiskeyson (@belemo): Character profile here

Also starring:

Juavez-7, first mentioned here
Toaster-bot, first mentioned here

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We encountered a very, um, scantily clad Byepeex, with nothing but a red shirt covering his man bits. Part of me wished that a bull would show up, but that was very unlikely.

The God-lactose Dic-slater Tangle found us, and we endeavored to find Negavader so we could expedite our visit of Planet 3. Juavez-7 needed his insulin, and I was still depressed over the blood bath at the coffee bar. Don’t get me wrong, I can indulge in some good old fashioned killing every once in an hour, but there was something wrong about how those men had been killed.

Tangle turned to me, and said “I contacted a lab technician on this planet through DictatorsMingle.com, but we have to pick him up.”

“What do we need a lab technician for?”

“I’m not sure, but he’s a PHD, so I’m sold. His name is Dr. Barley Whiskeyson.”

“Well, first impressions are everything, and I already like him.”

Tangle laughed “Yeah, we have a little problem though.”

“Of course you do.”

Byepeex and Juavez-7 stopped, peering at the two of us. Byepeex said “Do you need us for any of this?”

“Oh no Pex, I meant Peex, no I didn’t.” Tangle winked, and I turned on my nitrous oxide spitter, “I have something entirely different planned for you. It’d help if you could get some pants though.”

“It would?” He asked innocently.

Juavez-7 puked in some square bushes.

“Yes, Byepeex. You and Juavez-7 go pants shopping. Sixty-Wine can handle procuring our professional lab technician, and I will continue to look for Negavader. We need to meet back up at the entry point.”

Byepeex coughed.
“So in front of the city gates?” Juavez-7 asked.

“Is that the entry point?” Tangle countered.

“I don’t know, I miss a lot.”

“Okay!” I turned Tangle around, as Juavez-7 and Byepeex wandered off for the closest Trouser Republic. “How do we find your guy?”

“Well, when I last messaged him…” Tangle began pulling out her cell-communicator.

“Geez, when did you have time to do all this?”

“I wouldn’t think too much about it. Look,” she turned her phone towards me, “He said “Just chatting it up with a friend at the Grey Bar. Lol.”

“You didn’t have to say the “Lol,” I can read. You sound like a dork when you say “Lol” out loud.”

“Lolol?”

“Ugh. Okay, so he’s at the Grey Bar. I passed that on my way out of the former coffee shop.”

“Former? What’d you…?”

“Forget about it. I’ll find him in no time.”

~

Great, I thought, it’s closed.

Because it was.

These squares, God bless them, close their shops at 6:45pm. It was getting close to 7pm, and it was darker than one of Negavader’s short stories in there.

I pulled on the door, and it flew off its hinges, into the emptied streets. I stepped inside, using my built-in headlamps to illuminate the interior.

It looked basically just like the coffee shop, but they were stocked with Bottish Whiskey.

After about five hours of searching, and I mean deep searching, I was drunk and Dr. Whiskeyson was nowhere to be found.

I heard a voice behind me, and turned, firing a bolt of nitrous oxide at the doorway. It connected with a Goofy Looking Being, and it violently exploded on contact. There were a few others who’d survived the blast. They all blinked, almost unaffected by their fellow’s remains sliding down their goofy faces.

“Why’d you…?” I shot another, and it exploded too. The explosion caused another to explode.

I said “Y’all are some Goofy Looking Beings. What are you?”

“Wow! You are smart being. We are Goofy Looking Being. This is Goofy Looking Being…”

“Hi!” One Goofy Looking Being waved.

“...And this is other Goofy Looking Being…”

“Sup.” The other Goofy Looking Being smiled.

“...The other two were Goofy Looking Being, and Goofy Looking Being, God rest ‘em.”

“God rest ‘em,” the other two echoed.

I stopped, looking them up and down. “What are you doing here?”

“We have invaded this planet. Erm, something like that. Invade is crude word. We like to call it ‘Following God’s voice.’”

“A Manifest Destiny?”

“Yeah! Like that.”

“And… have you killed off the population of this planet yet?”

“We don’t like word kill,” the obvious leader said, “And no. This city is first attempt at re-conditioning. These squares will gawk and admire us, since we are different, and then we will murder them all when least expect it.”

“Oh, kind of like the cats on planet Earth.”

“Oh yeah. That was an admirable invasion. Those hoo-mans didn’t see it coming.”

“Unfortunately, it didn’t kill all the humanoids, am I right?”

“Ha ha! Oh yes, you are so right. Boi.”

“You guys are cool. I was thinking about just murdering you three, maybe line you up right so when I shoot the middle one, you all burst into gory bits. But I like you. Can you help me with something?”

“Sure! What is it you need, robot friend?”

“The name’s Sixty-Wine. I need to find this guy, named Dr. Whiskeyson. My boss hired him, and we need to find him.”

The GLB leader lit up (literally) and turned to his compatriot “Hey, Goofy Looking Being, didn’t we see a man named Dr. Whiskeyson?”

“Yes! I do believe so!”

“Tell us the story!” All the GLB’s lit up simultaneously.

“Well, I was floating down the street, when a very drunken man exclaimed “I am Dr. Whiskeyson, and I am being kidnapped!” and then the two purple fellows with him dragged them into that alley.” The GLB pointed through the open door across the street.

“What a great story!” The GLB leader was thrilled.

“I agree.” I couldn’t wait to kill them all when it was over. “Shall we check it out?”

“Yes, dood, we shall ‘check it out.’”

We walked across the street, into the alley, and came across a metal door that had a hastily scribbled sign on it. It said:

I detected a hint of beer, picked up the sound of a beer can hissing open, and something sad filled my circuits. “He’s in here,” I said.

One of the GLB’s floated over and pulled on the door. “But it’s locked!” it said.

“Pity,” I said, and then fired a bolt at the GLB, causing an explosion large enough to blow a hole in the side of the building. The other GLB’s looked at me, but I couldn’t read their emotions. It all looked like fascination to me.

I stepped inside, and saw the mangled corpses of two purple beings on the floor, in a puddle of spilled beer. A scraggly looking man in a white overcoat was tied to the chair, and he was sweating profusely.

“Dr. Whiskeyson? I’m here to rescue you.”

“Oh, thank sod.” He was obviously intoxicated.

We left the alley, and, with Dr. Whiskeyson and the two GLB’s, I made my way to the extraction point. We passed a few other GLB’s on the way, who waved politely.

Dr. Whiskeyson broke the silence between us. “Has my planet been invaded?”

“I believe so,” I replied, “Your friends and family are likely dead.”

“Oh sod.”

“Are you using that word right?”

“I don’t know, but I’m trying to push for this PG-13 rating. Did you read my character profile?”

“Do you think I would’ve asked for these Goofy Looking Beings’ help if I had?”

“Bugger, you’re right.”

We came close to the city gates, when the GLB leader burst into gore beside me.

“Where did that come from?” Dr. Whiskeyson asked.

I zoomed in towards the gates and saw Byepeex standing beside Juavez-7, with pants on, firing random shots in our direction. “You know, I think he really wants to kill me.”

“Who?”

“Byepeex Destroyer.”

“Is that his whole name?” Whiskeyson asked.

“We won’t talk about his whole name,” then I shouted, “Hey knuckle nuts, stop shooting! This place has been invaded by exploding GLB’s! You’ll blow us all to Hell!”

He must’ve not heard me, for he started firing more in our direction.

I caught up with him, just as the GLB beside me burst into eyeballs and guts.

“Jeebus, Byepeex, you have no morals.”

“I’ve been working out, okay. I skipped moral day this week.” He replied.

I turned to my floating, ethnically-ambivalent friend. “Juavez-7, have you been okay?”

“Well, I had to shop for pants with this puta for five hours. What do you think?”

“Want me to kill you now?”

“Probably.”

I stood back, aimed my spitter at Juavez-7, and said “Adios.”

“*Adios, mi am-” and then I blew his head off and his body collapsed to the dirt.

“Darnit Sixty-Wine,” Byepeex cut in, “You should’ve let me.”

“Shut your whore mouth, or I’ll shut it for you.” I aimed my gun at him. I forgot how it felt to lose people, and it sucked. All I saw was red. My circuits must’ve been malfunctioning.

“Geez, fine.” He aimed his blaster into the city, when a GLB rounded the corner of the largest building. “Hey, something to kill.”

I saw a mass behind the GLB, and yelled “Byepeex, don’t shoot! It’s a parade of them!”

And it was. There were floats and a band and about a thousand GLB’s behind the new leader. It waved at us eagerly.

And then Byepeex fired a blast, and the entire city exploded.

To be continued…

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Look at @belemo’s profile for the next part!

Also, I nominate @tanglebranch and @jayna for Comedy Open Mic. You'd enjoy it!