The Shadows of Stars (Short Story)
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The Shadows of Stars
There is a place inside us where the past goes to die. It exists outside the realm of both heart and mind as an ever changing plane that cradles the consciousness with solemn hands.
The sky is moonless in this place and as cold as the dawn that peeks from beneath the mountain we lie on, as still as the foggy air.
“Majestic, is it not?” I ask.
You shake your head, and I know that for you, the dawn will never come. Instead, you reach for the receding night, a point fixed on an ephemeral target.
For you, the light of day is harsh and cruel. He is the prince of the forest, and he waits in the shade of evergreens, pervading the life you are so lost in. You know the beauty of forests, the lush grasses of the savannah in summer. For you, he subdues the hazy overgrowth, breaking the comforting canopy you love.
You tense, but your hand is still limp in mine. The cold supersedes the warmth of your world.
I remember all that you have told me. The throbbing heat of the rain and the lightning that dances with it, sparking merrily through the land to the beat of thunder. They sound of your laugh and the color of your eyes. The details of your land, I know them all.
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I can only wonder: do you still remember me? The things I whispered to you from the crevices of my home? I shared its flowing air and misty mornings, the snow that lines its slopes. Stony crags rise where I walk, flowing from my fingers like water from yours.
The shadows of stars blacken your gaze, and now it is I who cannot see.
For you, gently, I let go.
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Meaning
At its heart, this piece is about a man coming to terms with how incompatible he and his girlfriend were. The setting is within his consciousness, which he describes as a cold mountain. This is representative of his character—reserved and stoic. His partner is lively and full of youth, symbolized by the depictions of nature and warmth.
The second major point is that they don’t really understand each other. She feels the chill of his soul, but sees the green of the canopy when she looks at the sky. She told him about the forests, but he cannot picture it, though he thought he could (hence the second to last line). He realizes he had never been able to, and so he releases her memory (and physically her hand in the story). It is a point of irony that he knows this well and allows the relationship to end because of it. He loves her because of these differences, and to love means to let go when one must.
The third is that he wanted to continue on with her before they separated. The dawn symbolizes his optimism and willingness to start anew, yet she is always looking to the night. The relationship was already over for her (the shadows of stars blacken your gaze). He only hopes that she remembers him. The day/night dichotomy details more differences that separate them—they are polar opposites, relating back to how incompatible they are to begin with, highlighting the main conflict in the story.
This story takes place during a moment of reflection—a person’s thought processes are not always clear and chronological. The events he describes on the mountain are things that happened in the past, but he uses present tense to get it all out and come to terms with what happened.
Additional details:
- Personification of light: representation of reality. The woman does not enjoy facing reality—likely has a harder time coping with the breakup than the man. The mountain climate of the man’s consciousness is well-adjusted to harsh light—he has a better grasp on reality and healthier coping mechanisms. She enjoys hiding (life you are so lost in).
- As a result of their time together, they gained aspects of each other’s personalities. For example, the man is quite gentle with her, speaking kindly and treating her memory with care. The woman is silent and cold throughout.
- He remembers how she used to be, and what she is no longer due to their relationship.
If any of this does not make sense to you, please feel free to ask! I have more cohesive ways of interpreting this to you in my head, but it’s quite difficult to write it down.
The moral (past all the imagery and language) is that love between two people does not always work out and that moving on is a sad but necessary part of living life.
Thank you @swissclive for this challenge! This is the first short story I’ve posted on Steemit and I look forward to writing many more. Please leave feedback! What did you think about my word choice? Did you like the style? I’d love to know what YOUR interpretation was and if it is at all what I tried to convey! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!
Your choice of word is good, @titus-andronicus.
But at the risk of making it seem like a poem, the requirement to discern with effort, its meaning, hidden as it becomes apparent, make it a difficult and cumbersome read. Most people would struggle to
A story, if it be a story, need not require the author to explain, for it to be understood, i believe.
And yours certainly needed to be explained. That is how, i personally manged to make it out, otherwise, i was struggling to.
Notice, for emphasis, that you actually spend more space and time explaining the story.
This is my opinion, well knowing what most people prefer to read, not least on line.
Otherwise, your choice and use of word, is good. But you might want to revise the style. keep the mystery, but allow the simplicity required to unlock it.
Do you @titus-andronicus ,have a different opinion, a different angle through which you are looking at it, relative to my thoughts here? Gladly share with me.
These are great points! Thanks for your constructive criticism @ebitularmbert!
I think I misunderstood the point of the challenge when I wrote it! I looked through some of the other posts and it's supposed to be more of a children's tale kind of thing. Something easy to explain and teach to a kid. I'll try again next time :)
Yeah, I noticed the explanation was long. The thing is, there's a lot of different ways you can look at things, and I wanted to make sure everyone who read might be able to pick out meaning anywhere in he story. I'm also pretty verbose lol--I really explain too much.
Thanks for reading!
I don't think you misunderstood the point of the challenge, @titus-andronicus. But you observe well. I have followed the challenge from start, and agree that most stories seem to involve an element of a child, both directly and indirectly.
I am inclined to opine, that is only because Children are an integral part of everyday life, making them 'a frequent cast' in most stories.
But that is just about that. The challenge is diverse, and is premised, in my understanding, to enlist various forms and styles. The only limitation, being that the submission is <300words.
I have read, if i have my estimates right, over 75% of the stories until now. They are diverse...romance, family, irony, community, politics, sports, religious, mystic, nature....
Yours falls right into the right place! It is near mystic. Which is in part why i credit it, besides, your skilled use of words and logical flow. I am only, especially concerned that its deep mystery is too much for the convenience of most readers.
@swissclive will actually read, and make credit of it, but you see, and this is likely where you misunderstood, she is just one really very interested person! But there is the real audience i am sure @swissclive, in putting up the challenge, is trying to expose you to, and that you have to aim to interest, and keep. This might not have the patience/effort required such as @swissclive manages.
You have to consider them.
But trust me, its literary quality is top notch, hardly error ridden, good logical flow...if only, like i have already said, its mystery wasn't that deep!
A quick way, i can think of, for improvement could be to try re-writing it in the second person rather than first person narrative. You know, see what you see from another person's eyes!
Glad to share your thoughts. Thanks
Thank you for your insightful commentary and honesty! I will be sure to take these things into consideration when writing. I agree with what you said about @swissclive.
This is the kind of community interaction I was hoping for when I joined Steemit--thanks for taking the time to make thoughtful posts!
The pleasure is mine. Glad to share your work.
Just as a tip of how to hide and later reveal mystery in the same piece, i recommend you read the story by @doodlebear:
https://steemit.com/story-300words/@doodlebear/a-short-short-story-in-300-3-words
That story manages to hide mystery, but give clues enough for one to finally discern on his/her own upon story end.
Cool! Will do :)
Hi @titus-andronicus. It’s good that you interpreted your own story, because I understood little. I’m not sure it would qualify as a fictional story, as I could not see the plot. I felt is was more like a poem or maybe some existenstialist prose.
There were also some puzzling expressions: “the throbbing heat of the rain”. I would not use the word “throbbing” except maybe in the context of a certain part of a man’s anatomy when filled with lust. And “heat” - the same thing. I have never encountered hot rain, but maybe that’s normal in your country?
“Lush grasses” “He subdues the hazy overgrowth, breaking the comforting canopy”
These words give it some sexual overtones. Maybe that was your intention. No problem if it was, but i would say not suitable for kids.
Upvoted
Oh, I didn't mean it that way! The descriptions of "heat" and "lush" were to describe the setting--in savannas, summer storms are quite common and the rain is warm. "Throbbing" refers to the vitality of the woman and the thrumming of the rain on the ground. For the overgrowth, I was referring to the light invading her privacy.
Thank you for reading @swissclive! This was a fun exercise!
LOL. Maybe you should write “steamy” novels, or should I say “steemy” novels?
Haha, that's not too bad of an idea! I don't know how that kind of material might be received here, though.
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That's deep. Keep writing! As many relationships struggle with such aspect and facets of being. Well said. The struggle is real.
Thanks for reading! I really like your work :)