Part VIII: Aware

What was depression?
Wasn't it that girl who used to burst out into tears for no reason at school? Or his school mate's mum who used to get drunk by 10am?
Surely, they were depressed. Not him.

He did his duty. Got up and went to work. He was reasonable. Considerate. Hard working. He never fell into a heap, sobbing that it was all too much. He considered himself stalwart.

The lifestyle therapist had given him some documentation about depression and links to "BeyondBlue.org.au".

There was a little checklist on the website. Just some basic questions.
The first question.
About how often did you feel tired out for no good reason?
That question was unfair, he mostly felt tired. But for good cause. He was older and very busy at work.

The second question.
About how often did you feel nervous?
Isn't nervous energy good. He always felt edgy at work.

The questions regarding, panic and restlessness, they were easy. He never did either. A cool hand under pressure.

The last question.
About how often did you feel worthless?
His work was normally busy so he had no real down time to think. But weekends. Weekends he felt down. He just thought it was because he was tired.

He caught himself in the mirror sometimes. Normally, it was where you forget mirrors are, restaurants or shopping complexes. He would catch a glimpse of himself. With a disenchanted sad look of nothingness. Was it worthlessness?

He clicked Submit and his result appeared;

"Your result is high"
"Your score falls into the high range, which means you could be experiencing depression and/or anxiety. We strongly recommend that you see your GP or health professional for a more personalised assessment.

Depression and anxiety are common conditions, and the good news is that there are treatments and support options that work. It’s important to seek help early – the sooner you get treatment, the sooner you can recover."

He suddenly noticed his thinking. Subtle thoughts, his brain sorting through the accusation. He was a little bit angry. He was a little bit scared.

He'd be back to work tomorrow. Then he'd be ok. He'll show that life therapist a thing or two. Who was she to judge? She is catching people at their worst. Of course he's depressed. They are all depressed. They gotta hold their dicks with the wrong hand.

He took his arm out of the sling and grabbed the wrist. He cupped the right hand in his left and then manipulated the fingers so that the middle finger was raised.

"Fuck you" He said, as he gestured the offending digit to an imaginary person. "Fuck me." He whispered.

He slid on his shoes, slung his arm in the sling and went for a walk around the streets.

It was dark and quiet. His body slowly relaxed. His mind calmed.

"Let's leave this for tomorrow. The doctors will get us back on track next week."

As he walked, he slid his arm out of the sling, and did a series of then exercises every 10 mins or so.

"I think you're trying to tell me something." He whispered to his arm while stretching it. "Ok. I'm ready to listen."

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Part IX: Return to work
Part VII: Depressed

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External Source
beyondblue.org.au

"We all have good days and bad days. Then there are those days when something isn't quite right, you've got something on your mind, or things just seem too much. Whatever it may be, sharing the load with someone else can really help. So no matter who you are, or how you're feeling, you can talk it through with us – we'll point you in the right direction so you can seek further support."