A freewrite for Sunday

I must write myself out of the depressive state I've been in for much too long. When I am having strong emotional feelings, I tend to lash-out in a negative way. I think that has a major effect on my life. Everything becomes darker and things start to fall apart. I get so mad at myself.

I would like to be interested in the things that I am studying. For the last year, almost all that I have read there is this little voice that says, "this is stupid. Why do you want to learn this? What are you going to use it for? You're homeless. Nobody wants to be around you. Nobody likes you." Hold up! That voice is running away with my thoughts and emotions again.

Let me talk about something good that happened to me today. I was outside of the YMCA on the lawn in horse stance, a Qigong training exercise. My eyes were closed as I was visualizing a tree as best as I could. I had on coconut oil to protect my skin from getting burned - it is a natural sunscreen!

All of a sudden, I feel something tickling my left pinky toe. I think it is a person. But who? No one messes with me. At least they haven't before. People usually won't bother me because I am focused and concentrated on what I am doing, which means I don't respond to most people who pass by. I open my eyes and look down at my foot. I jump. A squirrel is there! The little guy got me. He walks around cautiously like nothing happened but keeps his eyes on me. I laugh. He or she almost let me touch them. Very cool.

I would like to get back into my studies. I have been smoking weed almost every day at every hour since the time I have gotten this computer. I'm stressing out and putting way to much pressure on myself to write.

I'm not used to showing people my work. It throws me for a loop. It shouldn't, but it does. I haven't had much experience writing stories of any kind. Am I doing it right? I get so hard on myself because it isn't going to be perfect the first time it comes out. So, that being known, I won't start to write. Much of the time I don't want to put in the work.

It is a lot of work to research ideas for how to write some stories and what to put into the story. You probably feel the same. I just wish I didn't have all of this unresolved trauma to deal with on top of the former. My hippocampus is damaged. The way I piece the world together is very different from a person whose body isn't freaking out at them over the most mundane shit.

I'd really like to put down the weed down for a while; maybe a year or two. This would have to be done without finding some other habit to replace what I am attempting to cover up. It is taking up to much of my time. I'm not as focused and concentrated. I prefer smoking instead of drinking though. I have stopped before.

Maybe writing this out will give me the boost I need to live life instead of being a spectator of it. I don't allow myself to experience feelings of joy and happiness very often. The swing back to the other side is devastating. Sometimes I can see the choice I am making.

You know what? Today I could have stole away with $70 extra bucks in my pocket. Looking at my receipt, the woman who gave me EBT dollars accidently withdrew only $10 from my account. I could have walked away; only I would have known. That is the problem. I would have known. It would have eaten at me. Who gave me this conscious that I have developed?

Shot on my IPhone