ULOGS #7 : THIS IS ME MINDING MY BUSINESS

I have never been good with women. I don’t know why. I have managed to fuck up every relationship that I get into. Not intentionally though, but somehow I find myself making the mistakes that lead to quarrels or finding reasons to walk away from a relationship.

Yesterday my dad called me and talked to me about settling down. He hinted at the fact that he has rarely seen me with a woman who I had introduced as my girlfriend and he posited that I was waiting to make money first before I get married. He then advised me to get married early so that I won’t be battling with school fees and kids at an old age. I nodded my head to all that he had to say and agreed with him. The question is do I want to get married?

People get married for different reasons; some find happiness in it and some don’t. Some marriages last until death while some last only as far as the honeymoon.

The thing is I have so many reasons not to get married. I have a difficulty with staying focused. You may call it short attention span, if you like but I have not been able to stay interested or invested in a relationship for long periods. After a certain time, I begin to find reasons to walk away and inadvertently something always happens that makes it easy for me to walk away without a bother. I am terrible that way. It is not because the ladies are not beautiful or interesting but I just become cold for no reason.

I think the issue is no one has really tried to stick around long after my madness to see me become good again and I doubt any one woman would have that kind of perseverance.

As a result of this, I have long turned my back on marriage and relationships and I look forward sadly to living my life as a bachelor. Some of you may find my thoughts to be fatalistic and pessimistic but I am not sure it is so. I think I am being honest with myself. I would not want to put a woman in a place where she is not sure if I love her or not. That would be unfair.

Commitment is not an easy thing. It takes work and I think that is what lots of folks who get into relationships only to break up later lack. I am not saying all broken relationships broke up because the partners refused to work at it, no. I am saying that most times, people give up on the relationship without trying to fix whatever issues might be creating cracks in the relationship.

Someone said that I am scared of commitment and maybe she was right. She wanted to move in with me, see my parents and all that stuff but I didn’t want that. She also said I was easily distracted and that led to a big fight that ended a two years old relationship. Back then, I thought she was just one drama queen but now when I look back I see the signs that said that I didn’t want her in my life permanently but I lacked the guts to say so. I see that my mind was off the relationship several months into it and I was just trying to work at it all through the remaining part of the time we spent together.

I am just sharing thoughts about me and it may be that I am making sense to someone in this gathering. It maybe that one of you is going through the same situation like me. What are you doing about it? Is it working?

I have some habits that ladies do not fancy in a man over here in my country but that is beside the point; I love my company too much. I think that habit is worse than every other one that I have and I have some terrible ones.

I can spend weeks indoors, reading books, watching movies, playing games. I won’t find it amiss if I don’t go out to see a lady I say I fancy, even though we live in the same area. That is just terrible, I know but this is something I have become used to because I don’t go out on dates.

I have become too used to the feeling and the familiar tends to be comfortable. I don’t know how to start sharing my time, my hobbies, my work with my love life. I think it is the balance I lack.

Why am I rambling on and on about myself this afternoon? Well, I have to settle down soon. Right now, I love my peace of mind, my space and freedom of being alone. Some of my friends have informed me with the certainty of experience that it will not last. They say I would soon find the need for companionship and love. I feel that I am dangerous to love and best left alone but sometimes I am just angry at myself.