Jokes

Laugh, and laugh often. I hope this selection of jokes bring on a chuckle or two, or at least, put a smile on your face.

A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing. - Laura Ingalls Wilder

Male Or Female Brain

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “Five thousand dollars for a male brain, and two hundred dollars for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used, whilst the men’s are usually not used at all.”

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Five Cannibals

Five cannibals are appointed as programmers in an IT company.

The boss says: “You can go to the company canteen for something to eat.”

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: “One of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happen to her?”

The cannibals deny all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss leaves, the leader of the cannibals says, “Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?”

One of the cannibals raises his hand to which the leader says: “You FOOL! For four weeks we’ve been eating team leaders, managers and project managers and no one has noticed anything, and YOU ate one cleaner and it got noticed. So in future don’t eat a person who is working.”

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Treated

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took a sip of the wine, and then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.

“I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they come.”

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

“I certainly did,” the man said. I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. He then threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he spluttered.
“On the contrary,” the man replied. “He’s done me a world of good.”

“But you just threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed.

“Yes,” the man said. “But it doesn’t embarrass me any more!”

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Getting To The Root Of The Matter

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, “Mommy, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re thirty years old.”

The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh one hundred and thirty pounds.”

“Where did you learn that?”

The little girl says, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

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Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”

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Source of Jokes -
Laughter – Life’s Tonic

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