Rhonda's Raccoon

“Is that a Raccoon?”
Jess looked under the kitchen table.

Rhonda pursed her lips.“Yeah. She moved in about a month ago? Right after the last storm. She climbed in through the window. Now I can’t get rid of her.”

Under the table, the Raccoon scratched furiously. The sound edged Jess’s teeth.

“Really Rhonda? Really? This time you’ve gone too far.”

“I didn’t do a thing.” Rhonda peered under the table. “She just sorta moved in.”

“You could have moved her out.” Jess refused to come any further.

“Don’t be a hen, she won’t bite you. Just don’t touch her, or get in her way. Or sit next to her. She’s kinda antsy.”

“It’s a wild creature Rhonda. You know that right?”

“I know, but she needs somewhere to be. Out of the rain and the heat. It’s one hundred degrees.”

Jess took another careful look.
“What’s it doing?”

The scratching sounds increased in intensity.

“Probably looking for ants or worms or something. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah right. Like that time you told me not to worry about that pretty boy in the club right?”

“He was pretty wasn’t he?” Rhonda busied herself with the kettle.

“He was a drug dealer!"

“How could I have known? He kept buying me drinks.”

“He kept asking you for money.”

“So I bought him a rum and coke.”

“He stole your purse!”

“I didn’t have anything in it really.” Rhonda protested. “It was old. The leather was all cracked up.”

“It had the car keys, remember?” Jess stamped her foot. “We walked for two hours before we got to the bus station. I got corns from walking in my high heels! Big enough to cook!”

“I got the car back eventually.” Rhonda put two coffee cups on the table.“He even filled up the tank.”

“AFTER he robbed a 7-11. The cops came round my house looking for me cause they found my business cards in your car. You know my mother thinks I’m a criminal right?”

“Pshaw. Your mother loves you to bits.”

“Well, since then she’s been hiding her car keys. She still won’t let me drive it.”

“She’ll get over it.”

“Oh yeah? Yesterday I caught her snooping around in my room. I asked her what she was doing. She just gave me a funny look. Mumbled something about crack. I never do drugs.”

“You do smoke weed.” Rhonda volunteered.

“Yeah but I get that from grandpa. Doesn’t count. Mom thinks I have bad company. And the strangest thing. The absolute strangest thing - she thinks you’re a saint!”

“I am a saint. You just don’t believe in my goodness.”

“You're the one that almost got me arrested! Now you have a wild beast in your kitchen. And you’re making coffee as if that’s normal?”

“Jess, it’s just a little raccoon.”

"Rhonda, you already have two dogs, three cats, a few goats out back and now a raccoon? What’s next? A partridge in a pear tree?”

“I can’t help it if creatures love me. It’s me charm.”

“It’s your need for therapy is what it is.”

“You know I love animals. I can’t help myself.”

The scratching stopped abruptly. They both looked. It took half a second for the raccoon to barrel out from under the table, right toward Jess.

“Shit. Rhonda!” She tried to scramble backward. Her high heels skid on the decorative tile. She slipped. Ran forward to catch her balance. Ended up moonwalking backward into the wall. She crashed into it with a loud thump.

Hearing her scream, the raccoon raced even faster. She ran past Jess. Down the corridor and out the open front door. Outside, the dogs barked as it disappeared into the brush around the house.

Jess leaned against the wall breathing deeply. Her hair covered her face in a messy blonde curtain.

“This is why I never come over Rhonda! This is why! I think I shit my pants a little.”

“Coffee?” Rhonda offered.

Jess just blew hair from her eyes.

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Just a little funny story for our friend Rhonda. Steemit wouldn't be the same without you.
Smiles and Hugs.
J.
Image courtesy pixabay

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