CAFÉ ENNUI

Not a contest submission

Characters (3f, 4m)
JACOB
TARA
JUSTIN
RENE
WAITRESS
ROBBER
SIDEKICK

All are Caucasian.

(At rise, JACOB and TARA sit at a table. They look...well, bored.)

TARA
They have such interesting wallpaper here, don't they?

JACOB
I suppose if you can ignore the fact that there is so much suffering in the world.

TARA
Really, darling, you are so melodramatic. (Pause) Oh, I almost forgot to tell you: Mark from the Harvard-Radcliffe Club left a message. He wants to know if you're going to the Jill Stein Anti-Industrialist Benefit Concert next week.

JACOB
I'd sooner drive through Nebraska.

TARA
Imagine Dragons are playing.

JACOB
Don't insult me.

(WAITRESS enters.)

WAITRESS
Need a beverage, Sir?

JACOB
Well, if I must order, I suppose I'll take a double espresso caramel Latte...not that it really matters.

WAITRESS
As one day flows meaninglessly into the next, how could it possibly matter? (Pause) Miss?

TARA
I don't know. I guess I'll have the same.

WAITRESS
The same. Of course you will.

(WAITRESS exits.)

TARA
She's a rather anemic young girl, isn't she?

JACOB
How can you even exert the effort to ask rhetorical questions? Dear God, I know you don't exist as evidenced by this cesspool of a planet, but please spare me the triviality of existence.

TARA
Since when did you become so religious? Why don't you count the hundreds in your wallet again. That seemed to lift your spirits for a few seconds.

JACOB
Please. I expected more creativity, even from you.

TARA
(Pause) Oh look. Here come Justin and Rene.

JACOB
God hates me. I'm sure of it.

(RENE and JUSTIN approach the table.)

RENE
(Yawns) Hello, Jacob...Tara.

TARA
(Yawns) I'm simply thrilled to see you both.

JUSTIN
(To JACOB) So where've you been hiding?

JACOB
If only life were so interesting.

JUSTIN
Are you going to the "Socialites in Search of Causes" meeting tonight?

JACOB
I'd prefer to stay home and count the fibers in my shag carpet.

TARA
So, Justin, I heard you made a killing on the Becket ICO last week.

JUSTIN
If you call tripling your investment in a matter of hours a "killing" then yes, I suppose. What does it really matter, though. It's all such a game.

(WAITRESS enters.)

TARA
A game.

RENE
A game.

JACOB
A meaningless game.

WAITRESS
Could I please take your order?

(ROBBER and SIDEKICK enter wielding guns. SIDEKICK wears a hat.)

ROBBER
Everybody down on the ground!

TARA
Excuse me?

ROBBER
You heard me, bitch! Shut up and get down or you'll be sorry, go help me sod.

(SIDEKICK whispers in ROBBER'S ear.)

ROBBER (cont'd)
So help me God.

JACOB
Justin, do you see what I see?

JUSTIN
Yes I do.

JACOB and JUSTIN
Real live Negroes!

(ROBBER looks at SIDEKICK and then at his hands.)

ROBBER
Hey man, I’m not black. Now shut up and grab some rug. My friend here's gonna come around and you all better put your honey in the mat.

(SIDEKICK whispers in ROBBER'S ear.)

ROBBER (cont'd)
I mean, put your money in the hat!

TARA
Jacob, are you all right?

JACOB
I don't know. I feel something strange welling up inside of me.

JUSTIN
I feel it too.

RENE
As do I.

TARA
I feel it now too.

ROBBER
Yeah, well y'all gonna be feeling me popping some caps in your ass if you don't get down and hand over your wallets.

TARA
Look at him. He's so deliciously low.

RENE
So horribly dirty.

WAITRESS
He just makes me want to...SIIIIIING!
(singing)
Thunder, feel the thunder
Lightning and the thunder, thunder

ROBBER
What is going on around here? I said give me your wallet, not burst into song.

JACOB
You certainly are a man who knows what he wants.

ROBBER
I know I want your money, if that's what you mean.

JUSTIN
Had I possessed such direction, such single-mindedness, I'd rule the world by now. I mean, I have the money.

(JACOB puts wallet in hat.)

JACOB
Here. Here's my wallet. May it serve you better and give you more happiness than it's given me.

JUSTIN
Here's mine too.

TARA
Look at him, such a raw display of individuality.

RENE
And with all those Freudian slips, he is no doubt psychologically disturbed.

JACOB
Probably because of some trauma.

JUSTIN
Perhaps something truly terrible happened to him in his youth!

JACOB
Oh how I envy you!

(JACOB falls at ROBBER'S feet.)

JACOB (cont'd)
Take me with you, please!

ROBBER
Well...I appreciate all you just said, but why would you want to hang out with a dude like me?

JACOB
Well, why not?

ROBBER
Well, for one thing...Wait a minute. Enough of this! Get down! Now!

(They all lie down on floor.)

ROBBER (cont'd)
Ya goddamn bunch of weirdoes! I'm leaving now, and y'all better stay down or I'm gonna come back here and bust a nut in your ass.

(SIDEKICK whispers in ROBBER'S ear.)

ROBBER (cont'd)
I know what I said.

(ROBBER and SIDEKICK exit. A pause with all still on the ground.)

WAITRESS
So can I take your order?

(Lights start to fade.)

JUSTIN
Well, if I must order, I guess I'll have a double espresso caramel Late.

WAITRESS
Miss?

RENE
I'll have the same.

WAITRESS
Of course you will.

END OF PLAY