Integration and Acceptance

I live in Germany for eleven years now. I met good and bad people, I have friends, colleagues and I think I have no enemies. Most importantly, I like my life here and recognise Germany as my second home.

However, even after more than a decade living here, I am still and (I think I will) always be a foreigner. Not only because I have a bit dark skin but also because I am using hijab, a piece of garment that I use to cover my hair. I don’t know why some people in this century still have problem with this kind of mode. Aren’t they the great westerners who belief in freedom? Is it free to choose what I want to wear as long as it is not hijab? Is it oke to choose any religion, to belief in any kind of ideology as long as it is not Islam? What kind of freedom they belief in? Freedom that suits western values only? Why do they think all moslems are terrorists or somehow have connection with them? What kind of media they read? Don’t they read history as well? Don’t they cross-check the news? Did they get proper education? Did they travel to various countries? How can’t they don’t know that ISIS killed more moslems than westerners?

I hold 2 academic degrees from German reputable universities, speak German fluently, have a stable job and both my children were born in this country. But none of those matter for some people on the street. For them I am just a woman with hijab (and two children), most likely uneducated and can`t speak German, must have no job and struggle to pay my rent, and probably have connection to terrorism. These are (I think) the reasons why some people (especially on the street) still stare at me: they don’t know my full story. That is how people judge, because they have lack of information. But therefore, actually, people should not judge, because they shall know in most of cases, they don’t have the full information.

But some people still stare at me. Because I still have sense (even with hijab, my senses are thankfully still in normal criteria of western classification :p), I recognize it immediately. First time, I let them do that because I was not really sure what to do. Second time, I tried to smile at them (because I naively think they just wanted to say hello but a bit shame to do so –at least many people in my village do so if some foreigners come to our village) and guess what? No one smiled at me back. Third time and until now, I stare at them back. 95% of them can’t look at me in the eyes (even for one second!) and turn their face somewhere else. With the 5%-group I made on average 20 seconds (around 10-50 sec.) very intensive eye-contact, some of them said something to someone close to them or to themselves (but surprisingly never to me, so I don’t really know what they said) but all of them loose the eye-contact-war against me. Yes, I always win the eye-contact-battle and I have no plan to loose it, not even once.

I have friends here. There are people who love and respect me very well. People with whom, I share joy, happiness and sadness. I know that everywhere there are angels and devils, there are open and close-minded people, there are light and darkness. I also belief that the “angels” exceed the “devils” in their absolute amount. But it always hurts every time I got “starred” by people. It hurts. Not only because people classify me as "something" but it hurts a lot because despite all efforts I`ve done, some people still think I am just another foreigner, who deserve no place in their civilised country. It is not the lack of integration, it is the lack of acceptance. Really.