Day five - Post-Disaster Fallout - Breaking Up #5
I had a day off from the sadness yesterday. I went to see my son, who is currently visiting the UK.
I didn’t sleep too well, but better than the previous few nights. Up early to ready for my journey we carried on around each other, not quite on eggshells, not quite uncomfortable. It was more of an uncertainty. As if we both wanted to say or do something specific but neither of us knew what.
I was worried. He was going to tell his daughter today. She is very fond of me but loves her dad to the ends of the earth. How would he say it? Would he just say he’s had enough or would he say he’d been attracted elsewhere? Would he tell her something different that which I heard him say? Would he be upset or calm and collected? Would he cry in front of his girl? It’s something I will never ever know. I pushed it out of my mind.
He had insisted on taking me to the station – still protective of me, still caring, still helpful. I appreciated it, if for nothing more than the extra moments we got.
At the station he again asked that I tell him when I was safe the other end, and when I was returning. I assured him that I would. THEN, he leaned over to kiss me goodbye. It was nothing unusual – habit – yet! That kiss! Just a short peck to the lips but with just a little more pressure than usual, lingering just a little longer. The dance was still being danced.
I spent the day laughing, chatting, listening to the wise old soul on younger shoulders that my son has always been. We shopped, we ate, we walked….and walked and talked about whatever came up. It was amazing. Even though we spoke of my current situation it wasn’t a sad time. No one was upset, just adjusting. He likes my husband and I guess he knows I’m hurting but it didn’t encroach on our day, and for that I was thankful.
During the day I got a few texts from my husband, reporting where he was (his habit not mine), what he was doing, asking if I was ok – just like it’s always been.
5pm I left my son behind for another period of however long, but we were laughing as I left for my journey home. 7pm I was greeted at the destination point by my husband who was a little subdued but okay. Once home we sat in the car and talked of our days.
(Why do people do that? – I’ve noticed before people will sit in the car and talk even on their own driveway. Trapped in a box with no distraction I guess.)
We went in and continued the evening like many other couples across the world would do.
But I had a plan. This dance was going to pick up a beat that hadn’t beat in a while. The prize – one step closer to getting back the love I know my husband once had for me. Rejection was the risk….
I always cut my husband’s hair. Tonight was haircut night. We spent an amicable evening watching TV, laughing at “Young Sheldon”, the new shoot off from “The Big Bang Theory”. Then hair cut. Then shower. Because I had been so attentive through necessity (which I new I would be) I used this to my advantage.
You see, it’s not like we’ve had years of arguments or we hate each other. This breakup is due to a confused, caring, selfless man getting his head into such a mess he can see nothing but a need to get away. If I kicked, screamed, fought, cried it would just serve to prove he needed the space. No! I was bringing my A game to the dance. I had moved up from bopping on a dance floor to the subtleties of a fine ballroom dance. Each step meaning something, each flick of the wrist a subtle addition to the whole composition.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m human. I want to kick and scream and cry, but that’s easy to do. It’s harder, much harder to hold on to the long term aim, to love someone enough to let them go just enough. And there’s always the risk that this will all be in vain and he goes for good anyway, but I’d rather try and then lose than not try and then lose.
We showered, separately of course, and readied for bed. He came to hug me goodnight as I turned to go to the guest room. I turned and kissed him. And all I’ll say is I finally went to sleep 2 hours later and it’s not been that way for a long time.
To all of you going through similar crap, please don’t think that this works every time... it doesn’t, not by any mean. The one thing that is making this dance move in time to the beat is the fact that I am letting him set the beat and then allowing him to lead me to where I want to go. I’m just showing him some moves we’d both forgotten. He loves me, but he's not in love with me. That is what I'm working with.
Tomorrow it could all change.
(Perhaps I should re-title my works as 'How I'll try to get my man back'.)
number 4, with video, here
number 3 with video, here
number 2 here
number 1 here