Changing duality into another form of duality, utterly human.

thematoog (37)in #writing • 6 years ago

This is what I am going through these last weeks and months. My thoughts and fears.
Hold none as absolute truths. Learn if you want. If not, Enjoy my Me-ness.

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So often so many wonderful tales, full of logic, beauty, perfection even in imperfection, the right way to get together.

Have a wonderful sharing of moments with people.

If only. If only the the cutter of ties wouldn't come swooping in and say, no Now is not the time.

You'll have to wait. This ain't your moment yet to shine.

This ain't going to work.

I want it to work of course, but something just ain't wanting the same as me.

Ought I to be mad, angry, ashamed, fearful of this cutter of ties, that goes so far beyond me this small human construct of ideas and thoughts?

Why when wanting to share moments with beautiful people on this here earth, there is something even stronger holding that back, even cutting into the fabrics of reality, with something as simple as:

An answer like, No I Ain't be having time right now.

Yes, let's meet, but then half an hour later, me in the train, that person at home, too tired to move.

I did of course, even stronger want to cut ties with this man.
Yes bad me, for wanting to cut ties. To get more lonely. But what if that person for example, is nothing but an empty husk, not even working anymore so specially well, in this dual world. Taking 3 seconds for any response. Ignoring all negative aspects about himself. Can I learn something of this man.. Of course. But I also don't feel pleasant near this man. So cooked up on dope and other stuff that it got his brain to go to waste.
I wanted to help him of course, but can I? Should I interject into his own undoing?
Will I undo myself by saving others?
Is my body not just now already thrashing, my stomach rebelling against my own shit?
Ought one not to be able to grow from that discomfort? Ought I not also sometimes to choose for myself, and myself only, even in my dirtiest grime?

So yes let's get together, yes let's shine and grow.

Grow Now Only Now.
It must happen now.
It must be this must be that,
Foolish you, foolish me, it ain't being happening.
Logical farts interjecting into this now, that often ain't go as planned.

If I am at this moment a hermit, retired from people. Then that is what I am.
What I am will always be stronger in each moment as what I am able to become.
So are my actions everyday. I am fine on my own. I am also fine with people. Sometimes, I'll even talk to people. Sometimes I'll sit back in the shade and let others do the talking.
Sometimes I'll be to afraid to go for the honey pot, yes such is me.

Only happenings like these seem to be able to shake up the chains holding me to that, such as I am right now.
For in one day such chains ain't being broken, although I want them to break.
I'll eat my chains like granola every day, digest them link after link.
It must be quick, my ass.
I'll rather go slow, if that's my thing.
I know It's possible to go hunt for the posse.
I know my craziness is part of my design.
I know. I know. I know.

Just duality biting duality in the tail.

Be duality like this, Be duality like that.

Gotta birth another duality.
Gotta change duality from one thing into another...

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