Is there still some side of you, you try to hide? (Original Art)

thematoog (37)in #writing • 6 years ago

Hello you all Steemians, feel free to enjoy.

Just now watching some series on the web. Not the best, neither the worst. I have found that some of these contain gems to the introspective, if you earnestly look and digest even in sleepy slumber. Not in the first episode, neither the second. Sometimes you'll have to dig through hours of 'wasted time', just to find this one gem, you really have been looking for. What is right, what is wrong? Did I waste my time? F NO. I own my time. Through every wave crest broken open on my naked shoulder, I bear the full brunt of it, as only humans can do. By ousting and jousting every emotion of their own, spilt the second they gotta come.

This text then of course represents my own digestion, my own understanding, which you won't have as you may not have had the same thoughts during the last days and weeks. Either way, take nothing as the truth. I only have small morsels from a nice and tasty bread I am baking day in, day out.

What was my introspection about then?:

The fear to react too quickly. To react with quick gratification. To choose the bad drug. To go for the easy sexual gratification, by looking or touching. To choose the angerful emotion. Fearful jests. Sorrowful mourners.
What is your quickest reaction? The one most genuine, for it takes no thought to activate it, goes over the unconscious and only over that one, unfiltered and clean. Clean only, when you embrace your own ego, that just is. Genuine in this case ain't meaning perfect, but only momentary perfection. The everlasting kind ain't exist.
Quick gratification is of course a basic need, as in a dual world yes that is possible and will be done, for that is the human way. The fear of, rejection, will only make it larger and worse. The quicker, the more genuine. The more space you give it, you'll find even beauty come to you, in the most unexpected of ways, for any of the named cases I been thinking about these last months. This whole list goes hand in hand of course.
The bad alcohol, smoked doped out, sniffers paradise, alpine skiing nose first. It's all possible, thus will be done.
All things sexual, solo masturbation all the way through Bethlehem following that one shiny star. Sexual all the way through life, all embraced in whatever shape it represents itself.
Well anger comes over you in a second, not longer or shorter, it may rise slowly on a slow burner, but when it catches fire, one second only.
Fear is normal, for example the fear of death. It's also ridiculous when you realise everybody dies. Even more when you realise, death is the one true divine love, it takes all, no matter when or how, no matter how you look, breathe, talk, where you were born, who you lived with, who you killed (no I don't mean go out on a killing spree), it just takes every living creature, when it chooses, not when we want it to. (leaving out all mystical things humans can do to choose their own death).
The sorrow of a loved passed one. This beautiful emotion to have loved the temporal manifestation called living creature, to have taken in one of those lovingly in your heart for the time it spent with you. This is to me the full embracing of the momentary beauty that is our passing body, with their own passing truths. Since you know there are only passing truths, you'll even just stop holding to passing truths.

One more wee bit about influence. I have been strongly influenced in my life. I still am. I did though choose my influences first of myself. Then there was my own curiosity. My thirst for knowledge. My stupidty :D, yes that beautiful stupidity, so beautifully human is a very important part of the human life experience. We need it if we are ever to be completely human.
In these moments, they were my truth, maybe not now, but DUHHH: Change... is natural. Does that make my past less truthful? Neither will my present maybe be truthful in a few years. So just enjoy all of these times as your road. This road that has been way-sided, breached by so many beautiful influences all the way through. Only you can have walked that road in only your own way. Then there may be the comparing of your road, which is completely unique all the way through (even in your most having given away your own freedom, being a sheep times, up to now. There's always one little sheep in you and a wolf trying to kill that sheep. Live with both. Beautiful Duality of Things.), with someone else's road, who so gloriously mirrored your own actions, maybe in a stronger or weaker degree. Did you learn from that or not? Could it then have been any other way? Strong mirrors work best, especially the ugly honest mirrors that know themselves already partially that not all their own words may be holding up to their own truth, at that moment. Even though they partially know it, they don't hide their ugly words either, for the sake of a more truthful approach being able to be taken later. later you'll always be more truthful. Without today's influence, maybe that just won't happen... The road to be walked by us all, in the moment only.
Though I often see people that have had these strong influences over them, try to reject and hide them completely or on the other side glorify them into the most glorious human of soups, that just become meaningless through that act alone. Put the rug over, no see, no happen. Pfeuww I am safe again from that ugly past. I don't wanna hide my thorns. I don't wanna cut off my horns, they make me into what I am. My past explorations wherever they lead me, may be needed in the far-or close off future, where my forays are exactly the key to unlock one thing here or there, only my experience could help with.
Right now, I am at my most genuine as I can be for the moment. Tomorrow I can of course be more genuine than today, but right now I will always have to be the most genuine: Greedy, lusty, fearful, angry, know-it-all, cooked up, doped up, teary eyed and lonely or completely satisfactorily happy...

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