Black Regret

There is nothing I can see but black, dark. My lips are gone, I can't even say a word even though I want to. Of all my body members, at this time only my ears still felt active. I was still able to hear, but I really didn't want to hear because all I heard was crying.

My mind drifted, I remember that I started unconscious about five days ago in the last ten days of Ramadan. One by one my memory appeared, but I still didn't wake up. I can feel that this is only my subconscious, I'm still in a coma.

I also remember before my condition went into a coma like this time, I was seriously ill. Smoking habits make damage to my kidneys. This foot swells because of it. I began to get sick in the beginning of the month of Ramadan, causing me to be prohibited from fasting by doctors because my condition was not possible.

Now I can only lie unconscious with a hose that I can feel through my mouth, like an oxygen hose. I don't know what I'm waiting for because the possibility of recovering is very small.

Suddenly my bedroom door opened, stopping the crying of the people inside. The way he opened the door sounded so polite, maybe meant to calm down.

"From the results of the examination, the condition of your lungs is severe. It can be said to rot. The virus in his lungs has begun to rise to the brain, "now I know that the person who just entered was a doctor, I can hear it. "We better pray a lot for miracles."

"Is there an effective way to cure my husband, doc? I beg you, "I remember his voice, he was my wife, it turned out that my wife was one of those who was crying from me. I want to calm him down, if possible.

"Just a prayer, everyone here must pray for your recovery."
"Thank you, doc," my wife replied, sounding sobbing.
"I lived first," said the doctor, then I heard his steps away.

My mind is still active, from what I hear I know that my age is not long. My mind drifted, went to some time ago. This thought brought me to a place full of my mistakes.

"Son, sahur, let's just make it fast tomorrow," I could hear my mother's voice. I remember, this thought took me to a time in my 18th year. "Let's wake up so that tomorrow is strong."
"I don't want to be sleepy, why don't you build fasting," I replied.

Everything was clearly illustrated, I could see myself lying on the bed and my mother standing at the door completely. Even though I realize all this is only my subconscious, but I can see clearly.

"Don't be like that, son, dear, you don't see the month of Ramadan like you worship."
"You don't want to!" I replied, then everything went dark.

What I feel now is a sense of sadness and regret. I'm sad because I don't want to listen to my mother's words, which might make her hurt. I am sorry that the month of Ramadan is the right time to improve myself that is so bad in other months, but I can't maximize it.

My mind again took me to another time.

"It's just next year, I can still meet his fast," I said. I can see myself sitting in a shop with a friend. I remember it was last year's Ramadan.
"Not necessarily next year can still be found," said my friend.
"Surely it is, the promise of next year's full fast is full of calm," I replied while sucking a cigarette. Then I can't see anything, everything is dark again.