The New Me

It seems to me like every once in a while, I shatter.

Every year, something in particular happens and my whole being crashes and breaks appart, piece by piece. Most of the time these pieces will cut so deep, I will just cry on my bed for days on end, feeling so much pain I am unable to function properly.

But this year, something has changed with this shattering, with this “rebirthing”.

This year, small events have been breaking me for so long, I don’t even feel pain anymore. It’s like I’m dry, like all of my tears just disappeared from my body, and all I’m left with is this dry surface of a body that I sit uncomfortably in. This suit that refuses to feel, to respond.

Nothing feels the same anymore, old joys have melted into nothingness, and what used to be new and exciting is now boring or anxiety triggering. I keep asking myself why, or how I got into this situation, but I don’t have answers to that yet.

I used to think I was doing a good job keeping myself together from the situations I was living in, but I guess I just numbed myself so hard, now I don’t even feel sadness, or joy, or happiness, or pain.

I’m on a channel that only plays static and white noise, in a world where everyone’s channel is on music, or love, or joy.

Life doesn’t feel like it used to, food doesn’t taste the same, pain doesn’t hurt like it did. And I’m worried I’m becoming a machine, or a ghost of the girl that I was.

How can I get back to my old self? Or is this the new me?