Lost until found

There is beauty and love to be found if we know where to look...

Sometimes words are not enough; people say things because they either feel them, or believe them or want to attract what they are saying; but reading those words won’t bring you up when you are down, even when you want so much to go up.

Mostly you just have to endure the boredom, loneliness and down on your own because nothing and no one can help you, and all the self-help talk just does not make it go away; it does not pass. Too much hurt in life, too much burden, too long asking without receiving, too much time gone without the help you need, whether a friend to talk to and be with, or a meaningful purpose to lose yourself into, maybe a love to go to, a fulfilment of a longing.

So, you take the prescriptions they give you, and drink elixir to have some kind of something, and the days and years go by, until all hope is lost and life becomes a dark place.

That time comes when you break, and begin to curse life and anyone that comes close. They tell you to do things you have tried so many times over and over until you give up feeling to the futility of it all as offerings to a dark god, and you feel guilty for that too.

You see so many with their beautiful life and wonder why you have been cursed with such a thing as you have.

Self-pity and panic reign in your days and you wish for an end to it all, but you fear that too, even so, you try to end it all in some way, some place: an overdose, or walk in front of cars, or so many other ways you try over the years. For some it works and that is that; but for the others, you feel that something keeps you here to suffer, and your failure becomes an absurd measure of your life, and there’s nothing you can do.

The dark night of despair comes to tear the guts out right out of you, and then things become really dark.

Months go by like that, no words can explain it. A weariness besets you as the long years pass and you trudge through a life you find no joy from. Then years later, again, the dark night of the soul comes. You scream at the horribleness of it all, the wrongness, then in the middle of your darkest moment the god of it all comes and reveals itself to you. For that moment, you feel all has been lifted, and there is a joy felt beyond words. Then you remember the decades of suffering and that moment is gone and then you know how life could have been.

And a desperation fills you. You call out for help. Once more, so strongly. Many come, to answer that call and offer what help they know, but it is not enough. You know, if that help is taken, it would be a band aid at best, but you follow every suggestion that makes any sense at all.

The years of healing begins. This is written from my own experience, but I know there are many that go through something similar, and it’s to them that this is written for.

I know how dark life can be, how lonely. I know the futility that can be felt, the desperation, and the waste. I felt all this when I was so young, and now, too many years later I can still feel it. They say it will pass; they say so many things; I don’t know who they say it all for, but I think it is not to me; perhaps they all want to be gurus, or something, but I know, in their lives it is a thing they are going through and when they come out the other side then they will say something else.

They say there is a law, a love that cures all, but that is their ship, their template, how can it be here in this ocean that I live in? The thoughts that are bent to serve some deity only they know exists, some god that they believe in.

I have a right to my questions. I have a right to that call from the heart that breaks free of the prison and explodes into the dark sky my mind sends up; the breaking free of all the religious nonsense forced upon me from the beginning, someone else’s value and belief that is not mine; so, I say this to them, leave me alone, my consciousness in mine, stay in your absurdity. I will not waste a moment more of my time on the swine of your ideas.

I see a star, on so many nights. I see a moon that burns so brightly just for me.

There are angels around, and sometimes I send them off to dance around the moon a time or two just to let them know who is boss; and the ascended masters in their dignity watch over me too.

What does it all mean? I cannot answer that as I move from place to place. I have screamed and cried; I have died inside so many times; I have looked for the answer everywhere. Deep inside I have gone; I have burned so brightly in the darkest of places.

In temples and mosques I have prayed all over the world. I have endured much. I have loved every child in their innocence and freedom.

For every beggar that came my way and showed me my compassion I beg forgiveness for not giving enough.

For every moment that has been lost without joy and love I pray that redemption is found in the arms of the love so wanted.

For all those that have hurt me, I hope they have found peace in their existence.

For all the abundance in this life that should have been mine, may it do some good where ever it is.

For the dreams that never came true, may they die a good death.

And the love I have longed for, may it find me once before the end.

This is an account of me, traveller, human being, and so much more?

May your god bless you and endow you with all the riches you deserve.

May your time be not wasted, but fulfilled every moment with the life you want.

God bless the children, our inheritance, may they be filled with the light and true guidance to nourish them in their beautiful lives.

And may the trueness of your yearning set you free upon the wings of your heart’s true desire.

Image from Pixabay