From the Grave: The Best of @acolucky: Volume 3: The Ho! Ho! Ho! Edition: Comedy Open Mic #40

I have made between 300 and 400 wisecracks, jokes, and other snappy bits in the past year on Steemit. Christmas is a time ripe for humor and, last yule, I managed to pluck some fine berries. In this From the Grave series, I scroll deep into the past, sort through the confusion, and re-offer my favorites. Thank you.

Spoiler Alert!

I remember the day I learned that Santa Clause was not real. I kicked and screamed. I threw my shoes across the room. I promised, as long as I lived, I would never forgive my parents for lying.

I made such a scene, rolling around on the floor, that I woke my children.

My wife has never looked at me the same.

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At The Solstice

It is now, this time of year, when the morning sun in the northern hemisphere reaches its lowest rise, and night is long and dark and barren, and winter looms ahead for many months to come, and the exhaustion of the holidays nears its most frantic, that I begin to wish, when I had the chance, I'd have trampled more of you on Black Friday.

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Old Saint Nick

Question: what is red and green, has a beard, a bulge in the middle, lives where it is cold, and smells like reindeer?

Answer: the cream cheese I found in the back of the refrigerator.

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Road Rage at Christmas

I gave another guy the finger today. I am not proud. There is always so much tension and angst surrounding the holidays and sometimes that stress spills over. I felt bad immediately.

I know he won't read this, but sorry Grandpa John. It's your driveway and I should have parked in the street. Thank you for fighting against the Nazis all those years ago.

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Feast at Christmas

I ate so much food this weekend, I should be ashamed. I'm not. I work real hard all year and, frankly, I deserve it. I understand that we can't all be saints.

Anyway, it is probably the last time the Girl Scouts will ask me to volunteer at the charity kitchen.

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https://steemit.com/humor/@acolucky/from-the-grave-the-best-of-acolucky-volume-1

https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@acolucky/from-the-grave-the-best-of-acolucky-volume-2-also-comedy-open-mic-38-second-entry

I nominate @dirtydave and @to7 to enter this humor contest @comedyopenmic.