Repressed (but now hilarious) Trauma - Comedy Open Mic Round 13

It was 1989 or 1990 and my buddy Derwyn was going to the army, so Jody, and I took him to Toronto for a good time. We had a couple hundred bucks between us, so we got a cheap hotel room, some libations from room service (we weren't old enough to get it at the liquor store.), and grabbed a shower before hitting the town.

After filling our bellies with booze, we headed out to the peeler bars.

We tried to get into a couple but the bouncers had different plans for us, so we wandered aimlessly around Yonge St. until Derwyn started talking to an older, seemingly homeless, lady on the street. He came running up to us, asking to borrow $15 to get a BJ from this "babe".

I looked back at her and she smiled, but there wasn't as much white in her smile as one would hope for when one goes a-courting the ladies.

I said that I would, in no way be contributing fifteen of my last thirty-five dollars to that, and mentioned the lack of teeth. I said that lending him $15 for a $5 blow job was not a good investment for me, and then puked a little bit on the sidewalk.

He then explained that the no teeth thing was the best part and that it was $40, but he only had $25 left.

Jody and I agreed that we were not letting him spend the last of his money on HIV, so we walked back down to the bar that we really wanted to get into before, hoping naively that the bouncers wouldn't remember us.

They did, but were sympathetic to our cause.

One of them pointed out a nearby place that didn't serve booze, so kids could get in. You were supposed to be eighteen, and Jody and I weren't, so Derwyn went in first.

I should mention that this place was fucking seedy. Right from the old dude taking money at the door, the bus station row-seating, to the TVs playing porn at the back. The guy glanced at our student cards and let us know that it was five bucks for the yearly membership and eight bucks to get in because we were students.

Apparently, they know the financial woes of students and seniors, because they knocked 20% off the door for them.

I put my savings towards a five dollar ginger ale and headed for pervert's row. The other two were already there.

I wasn't an expert on strip clubs, as you might have guessed, but I had snuck into a couple and this was nothing like them.

For one thing, the stage was at the same level as the seats, so the girls were directly in front of us. One on either side of the stage. We didn't have to crane our neck at all.

The second thing was that they didn't come out fully clothed and strip a bit off with each song, they came out almost naked and immediately got naked. I think they did that because it was easier to get to the masturbation quicker. It seemed like more female masturbation than I was used to.

Maybe even more than Larry Flynt was used to.

So after a bunch of these young ladies came out and riled us up, I decided that it was time to break the seal. I got up and walked across the room to the washroom, pushed open the door and strode ahead to the urinal. There were some people to my right, so I glanced over before I reached the stalls.

It took a few milliseconds to process the imagery. Here's a watered down version.

(icon source)

You bagging what I'm mowing? No? Okay, maybe this will help.

It's possible that you are still confused as to what I'm referring to, so I will show you a term that is all too familiar in Steemit.

(image source)

It's probably clear by now, so I will continue.

The audio was probably the worst part of my restroom experience. They just kept going and it was beyond creepy. I would find it disturbing now, but as a seventeen-year-old country boy, it was traumatizing.

Between the grunts and the light giggles, I was getting ready for these perverts to try and sexually assault me. I was probably 5'2" and 130 pounds, and I imagine some prime meat for a bunch of depraved rapists.

I plotted on how I was going to walk out calmly and when they made a move I was going to grab the closest guy as fast as I could and run his head into the tiled wall, using his momentum against him. Hopefully, another would be close enough for me to kick in the nuts before the third guy just ran away out of fear for his life.

I steeled myself for the possibility that I was going to kill a man in a Toronto strip club and my life afterward. It wasn't going to be pretty for my mom, but my step-dad would understand that I did what needed to be done under the circumstances.

He would explain it like he did when I beat up David Phillips in grade three. He was a big bully and had picked on us little kids for months.

"We're not going to punish him any further." He said. "I'd be angry if he didn't protect himself."

Thanks, Paul. I knew you'd understand.

But things didn't go down like I thought they would, and my vibrating nerves almost got the better of me.

As I got to the opening where the circlejerk was happening, I saw the men shuffling sideways and got ready to pounce. One hand was on the door handle and one was poised to strike when the rapist on the right spoke.

"Do you want to wash your hands?" He asked politely.

I was taken aback and turned to him as I was replying, "No thanks, I'm okay." There was a spot cleared for me to squeeze in.

The mistake I made was turning to look at them.

The guy in the middle that had his back to me had a hold of both of these "gentlemen" and it seemed that the one that spoke to me was smilingly returning the favour.

I'm just judging by the angle and motion of his upper arm, and the happy look on his face.

I had the door open by the time the image settled into my brain and I cantered over to my friends and exclaimed that we were leaving when Derwyn said he had to take a leak. I advised against it, but he was getting up to go. I whispered that there were guys in the bathroom jerking each other off and Derwyn didn't believe me, so he headed over.

He didn't make it inside before he was turned and heading for the door. As Jody was nervously laughing, another guy in the third row got up and excitedly blurted out that there was a circlejerk in the can. I saw one other fellow getting up, but not leaving. We were almost to the door when I told the cashier there were guys jerking each other off in the washroom.

He didn't even look up from his magazine. "Yeah, it's pretty fucking disgusting in here." Was all he said.

I'm not making light of mental health problems like PTSD or anything. This is a story that happened when I was seventeen years old and just came back to me after reading this post by @doomsdaychassis and then this post by @sisygoboom.

I nominate @cryptkeeper17 and maybe @royaleagle would try his hand at a bit of funny. I'm hoping so, anyhow. You can check it out at https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@comedyopenmic/comedy-open-mic-comedy-contest-round-13