When Fear Stopped Being Normal

Life as a child...

Laying in bed, covers up to my nose. My heart is beating so fast it feels like it’s about to pound a hole in my chest. My breathing is rapid, almost panting. My nerves have my insides shaking. My eyes are wide always scanning the room. Every noise makes me jump. Always waiting for the next time because you knew it was coming you just didn't know when. Too little to fight, to little to resist.

Imagine living this way for years. Night after night. This was my adolescence. My childhood was spent living with a monster who lurked in the shadows.

It didn’t take long to realize that monsters terrorized in the daylight as well. Summer months before I was old enough to stay home without adult supervision. The monster’s job took him travelling hours to other cities; sometimes to an empty warehouse or a client’s home when no one was there, sometimes I would have to accompany him. Those trips were long. Never knowing where we were going and hoping that another human being would be there to possibly stop him from doing the things he did.

Living in fear was just ... normal. I didn't know what it was like to live without it.

Different but still there...

After he went to prison, the fear didn’t go away. It just transformed... living like that does things to a person. I was timid, I didn't trust anyone, I shut myself off from the rest of the world when I could. I became introverted and meek.

A couple of years after high school, I ran into an old friend of mine, he is one of the few that I still talk to from time to time. His mother worked at the courthouse and had offered to get copies of the case file for me. I wasn’t supposed to have them and had anyone found out she could have lost her job. But being young and still searching for answers I said yes … I had to see what the monster has been doing since his conviction.

I really wasn't expecting the huge stack of papers I got. Well over five hundred copied legal sized sheets of paper, from the very first interview with the investigating detective, to the events of the trial, to doctors and dentists visits he's had since being in prison, and requests that he's made, such as requesting to attend my mother's funeral, and a lot more.

After glancing over most of the papers and seeing all that I saw; my breathing accelerated, my heart was pounding, my nerves had me shaking. I found out that in six short years he had studied to become an inmate counselor, which is the closest thing to an attorney one can be in prison from what I understand, and he had been appealing the case from day one.

The fear that took hold was immense. I remembered this monster to be intelligent and felt that if there was a way for him to get out, he would find it. One day he would find a judge that would feel sorry for him and feel that maybe he’s been in there long enough and one day they will let him out.

My worst fear realized...

He was arrested in 1991 and I received the case file in 1997. November 2017 my worst fear was realized. I received a call that the monster filed for clemency, which is basically him asking for mercy. They consider the crime, his age, what kind of prisoner he's been and what kind of programs he's completed since being in prison. I was told that I should attend the hearing if I wanted him to remain in prison. Twenty years... twenty years with this hanging over my head.

November to May… I wish I could erase. I was a basket case. My memory was shit. My nerves were horrible. My emotions were all over the place. I was terrified. Not knowing what would happen and having all that time to stew in my thoughts and the memories of the past was enough to put me in the looney bin.

I went to his hearing in May. I am thankful that he was not there in person but on a television screen. When I saw him on the screen, all of those fearful memories that have been pushed to the back of my mind came rushing to the front. It was such a difficult thing to face. I cried, I was shaking, my heart was beating out of my chest. I can’t even imagine how it would have been had he been there in person.

I wish you could see the world through my eyes...

We went through the hearing process… and in the end I was victorious.

It’s hard to describe the feelings I had when they unanimously denied his attempt of escaping what I believe should be his life long sentence. He can apply again in five years but a lot can happen in that time and after seeing him and finally hearing him confess, I realized that he couldn't hurt me anymore. As much as I feared this day, I'm glad that it happened because now that this chapter is closed, I am thankful that I am not going to my grave with this fear hanging over.

Fear has finally released his grip from my life and the world looks different, my life looks different. I’ve had a chance to reevaluate things and while I will always be me, now I have a chance to experience things all over without this dark cloud hanging over.