My beloved angel - Finish The Story Contest. Week #51

The Devisal of Mr. Danworth


by @gaby-crb and @calluna

The familiar ping jerked through my morning haze, the signal of a new email arriving in my inbox, blared from my laptop. I hastily tapped at the volume. My fingers circled around the warm mug in my hand, the hot brush of steam warning me not to take a sip yet. I checked the screen, 16 new emails already this morning. Working from home had seemed so much easier, I never liked the office, or being out on the road, at least at home I had my own brand of coffee, and my cat Neelix, but the emails never stopped.

I cleared through the top 10 as spam, another 5 were easily filed, the last however caught my attention. My eyes focused on the sender name, I hastily placed my mug on the table and clicked the email. The sound of the news playing on the TV melted into the background, even the smell of my burning toast didn't interrupt my focus.

Good day,
My name is Michael Kent, I am the personal attorney and sole executor to my late client, Mr Ian Dankworth, who shares the same surname with you.
After the death of my client, in an automobile incident, in the year 2007, the bank contacted me to provide his next of kin to inherit his fortune, totaling Thirty Seven Million Bruvna ($37,000,000.00) according to the existing bank records.
I have written several letters to his country embassy with the intent of locating any of his immediate or extended family who will stand as the next of kin and all my efforts has been to no avail.
I have received official letters from the board of directors of the holding bank in the last few weeks suggesting a likely precedent for confiscation of his abandoned personal assets in line with existing laws, therefore I have been issued a 30 working days ultimatum to provide his next of kin or forfeit the deposit.
From my professional experience I can use any and all legal means available to re-profile and present you as the next of kin to my deceased client since you share his surname, this would enable you put a claim to the funds on our behalf.
Please kindly indicate your interest by responding to this email so we can discuss further.
Yours sincerely, Barr. Michael Kent

I glanced at the scuffed bag by the door, I had known Mr Kent would contact me eventually. I was the last person in the country with the surname Dankworth. As my eyes read over the email again, I laughed to myself, this had been easier than I initially thought.

Neelix stalked past the black bag, rubbing up against it, he then stopped and pulled out his claws, pulling at the plastic material.

I stood up fast in an attempt to scare him, knocking my coffee over my laptop in the process. I swore and grabbed at some tissues, watching as the black liquid slowly absorbed. I would forever be cleaning up my own mess.

source

My beloved angel

At least I managed to get as much coffee out, I didn't dare turn it on and I thought about taking it to a technician immediately, but I couldn't risk a stranger knowing the contents of Kent's mail, it was when I remembered Isabella, a good neighbor who has the habit of giving me desserts every time she prepares one, has a small electronics workshop at home, I'm sure it will help me.

I see constantly through the window, the anxiety doesn't let me breathe normally, I feel a slight tremor in my hands, finally, Isabella opened her workshop, I went there and received me with tenderness as always, I told her only what was necessary, and I asked her to retrieve the information from my emails, I saw her withdraw the keyboard and do other things, she was seen as a true expert, with her fine hair and slim figure, and I realized that I had never taken the time to observe Isabella, and although I wanted to tell her what was happening to me, I preferred not to, perhaps I would put her at risk.

I heard her say terms I don't even know:

"mother card burned"
"hard drive saved"
All he wanted was to retrieve that mail, noticing my enormous interest and without asking any questions, he took his laptop and assembled it with my pieces and told me to use it as long as I wanted.


I returned home relieved, I turned on the laptop waiting for news from Kent, while I opened the folder of images and started looking at some photos, I cried like a child, it still hurts me deeply, if this had happened before, he would be alive. When I woke up I felt serene, and sent a positive response to Kent, and to my surprise, in a matter of minutes he sent me an email, asking me where we could meet that same day, that we had very little time and had to proceed immediately, so we arranged the place and the time.

I looked at the house before I left, the papers all over the place, the dirty cups, the half eaten food, and that's where the doorbell rings, it's Isabella who came with a candy to brighten my day, I took the opportunity to ask her to take care of Neelix, I gave her the key to my house, I returned her laptop and an envelope with a letter written by me, which she could only open if I didn't communicate with her in forty-eight hours, I wrote down her number and left.

I arrived a little earlier, saw the inscription on the tombstone, "Gregor Dankworth 2009 - 2014 my beloved angel", and crying in front of my son's grave I swore to do good to the most needy children, if I could get the money. Finally the lawyer arrived, and I laughed thinking it was easier than I thought.

The End
by @vida-blanca

I am participating for the first time in this contest that I find very interesting. I hope you liked the continuation I made of the original story, please any comment is very valuable to me, thank you for reading my publication.

The people of @bananafish with their contest Finish The Story Contest - Week #51! motivates us to imagine a story, feel and express ourselves through writing.

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Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

This is great for your first ever entry to Finish the Story. Welcome :)
Your ending flowed really well from the first half. I liked your character, Isabella, you gave the protagonist more depth with this dynamic.
As the first half was in first person you maintain that really well, except for this one pesky paragraph:

All he wanted was to retrieve that mail, noticing my enormous interest and without asking any questions, he took his laptop and assembled it with my pieces and told me to use it as long as I wanted.

You change from 'I' and 'My' to 'He', which is an easy mistake to make. Try to look out for this sort of thing when you read through and make edits.

Thank you very much, I appreciate all your comments, I will try my best not to make the same mistakes.

Welcome to Finish The Story! And this is such a strong first entry <3 very happy to have you here.

You have some beautiful details just tucked in to the story that give the characters a real depth

a good neighbor who has the habit of giving me desserts every time she prepares one

a single line that carries the depth of their relationship.

His subsequent concern for his neighbour builds so well on who this character is, you continue building the suspense, with his anxious concern to get the laptop fixed. You really had me hooked, wondering what he had got himself into. You keep building this suspense so very well, and then I got to this gut punching line where the character development really pays off

if this had happened before, he would be alive

And then the ending, giving the laptop and a letter to his neighbour with such an ominous message, leading into that emotional final scene. I love the heartbreak and sorrow having lead into a desire to help others, the implication of him being involved in something dodgy and feeling it is worth it, to help children who need it. Beautiful.

You use the characters so well, and pick up on so many of the implications from the first half - both in the email and the story. This is a fantastic entry by any standards, very impressive as your first, I sincerely hope we get to see more from you over the coming rounds <3

I am very touched by your words, this is very important to me, thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment.

You have a fine eye for detail and a talent for conveying emotion. I felt the sorrow of the author. This was finely told and I enjoyed it very much. Good luck in this contest!

I would comment upon the grammatical errors, but @gaby-crb (hey, I haven't seen her a lot in these parts) had already taken care of that. I could comment on the relationship but mój Ukochany (my beloved) @calluna took care of that with ease. And it seems like we all are caught up with this. But have we considered poetry inspired by a post? No?~ :p

- Lovely life -


Oh say can you see it now!
See the lovely life
of a recluse hermit
in a pile of dust-n-papers!

¡Ay, caramba!
Life's oh you
beautiful force
of mama Nature!

Come sing it with me
as you gain what you
deserve in our lovely
and dear life, my dear!

¡Ay, caramba!
Go and help
those kids
to make...

~LIFE LOVELY!~

Welcome to the Finish The Story contest, Vida-Blanca! 🎊

You utilized the elements given from the beginning well with your telling of your ending. The addition of Isabella allowed us to see that the protagonist, though hiding something that we're shown later, is one who has a caring and supportive friendship. Then, with the reveal of the photos and the grave of little Gregor, we are given the answer to the mystery that you built as well as the depth to their heartbreak. Thank you for this great story!

~Bris

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