Hi there. Welcome to your next lesson. I am Mr. Himself.

Sit down, shut up, pay attention.

Introduction

^{Bonus advice: All good articles have an introduction.}

Since the headline never seems to be enough for some people to be able to establish the reason why they've read this far into an article, it's always best to write nearly the same thing again but different and slightly longer, then call it an introduction.

Since I'm far too busy and don't like repeating myself, I'd just like to ask you to direct your attention back to the headline and start over. Reading it twice or even three times should be enough for you to be able to understand more of the world around you and why you made the decision to be here today.

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^{Please note: If you've been spending the past thirty minutes or more reading the headline and introduction continuously; I'll have to ask you to please stop reading the paragraph above. That should put an end to the seemingly infinite loop you've been experiencing. It's good that you're able to follow directions so well but you should know those skills will only get you so far in life and the fact you've been spending so much time locked within some sort of a death spiral lately proves that.}

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Congratulations!

^{You made it this far.}

They say, "Being able to write about anything will open many doors for you as a professional writer."

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^{Important: I heard that once and thought it sounded smart. I don't really know who said it or why.}

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So, knowing that now makes writing seem much easier on the surface; but what exactly is anything?

That's a question even I, as someone who is much smarter than you, could not answer.

I Was Forced to Look It Up

^{Bonus advice: Always do your research.}

^{*Actual screenshot of anything. I'm no expert but I think it looks like a good time to sell.}

Now,

^{Let me break it down for you.}

Like most of you sitting at home right now, I too noticed the word 'pie'.

It is unfortunate these people in charge of the entire world's knowledge database insist on using subliminal messages and product placement advertising techniques in order to fund their ulterior motives.

The whole reason why I ran out of time today and wasn't able to complete a proper introduction was because within a matter of minutes after seeing the word 'pie', I had to put my work down, get in the car, sit in traffic, look for pie, and then buy the pie. To add insult to injury; the moment it came time to pay for the pie, I realized I forgot my bank card and had to come all the way home, then go all the way back to the store. Then, just to kick me while I was already down; I got this pie home, the label says, "Apple Pie," I cut into it; it's not apple, it's cherry, and I don't like cherry pie!

So!

^{Pie in hand, I get back in the car!}

Now I got the pedal to the metal and I'm flying down the freeway! Ten miles down the road, sirens! I pull over and I'm dinged with nearly ten thousand dollars worth of fines for:

• Speeding.
• Not wearing a seat belt.
• Distracted driving(my girlfriend called, wouldn't shut up).
• Open liquor(I told you all last time; I hate this job, that's why I drink, it's nothing new).
• Missing mirrors on both sides and the middle.
• Failing to use my indicator as I changed lanes while this asshole was pulling me over.
• Noise violation(the horn stays on until I pull the key out, it's been like that for years, that's why the music was so loud).
• Possession of a controlled substance(I have a prescription, I forgot to bring it with me, those pills were in a plastic bag because that's how I keep them dry).
• Kidnapping(I still don't know who that was in the back seat but I think they were trying to steal my car).
• Obstruction(He went to cuff me, there was a wasp buzzing around my head, I didn't want to get stung so I ran).
• Assaulting a police officer(I was aiming for the wasp, he headbutts my fist, I didn't even see it coming, total cheap shot, blames me).
• Destruction of property(It was hot in the back of the cop car, I couldn't breathe, thought I was going to die so I kicked the window out).
• Urinating in public spaces(I was scared).
• Indecent exposure.
• Plus I had a warrant for my arrest.

I Made Bail

^{They let me out this morning.}

I took the bus to the end of the line, walked three miles, arrived at the impound lot; they were closed. I took my shirt off, draped it over the razor wire, hopped the fence, found my car, grabbed the pie.

So now I'm walking home with no shirt on when some guy named Charles stops and offers me a ride. I get in, we're cruising along, he asks me, "How much?" I immediately told him about five dollars would be fair and he agreed. I thought to myself how can this day get any better because I only paid $2.50 for that pie and here I am already doubling my money. Charles pulls off the road, parks behind a building, hands me a fiver and pulls down his pants. I ignored his penis, tried handing him the pie, he refused. This all led to some confusion and an incredibly awkward silence, I asked if I could turn the radio on, he tells me to get out, I start walking.

I can see the store in the distance.

^{Pie in hand.}

I finally get to the door, I enter the building, I head straight to the costumer service desk with my pie.

I said, "Hi there, it's been a long day, this is a cherry pie, I wanted an apple pie, I'd like my money back."

She didn't even look me in the eye, treated me like a piece of meat, stared at my chest the entire time and said, "I can't serve you, sir. You're not wearing a shirt." I said, "That's discrimination," she said, "No, it's store policy," I said, "So it's store policy to discriminate," and she picked up the phone to call a manager.

I decided to leave, with my pie, because I had had enough. I got outside, some guy asked me if I had any spare change, I offered him the five dollars Charles gave me in exchange for his shirt and he agreed.

I put the shirt on, went back inside with my pie, stood in line, finally it's my turn and I say, "Hi there, it's me again, it's been an even longer day, this is a cherry pie, I wanted an apple pie, I'd like my money back." She then asked to see the receipt.

I didn't have the receipt.

^{She told me she can't help me without seeing a receipt.}

So I got angry, made a big scene and demanded to talk to the manager.

The manager finally shows up, he's got mustard on his shirt, he asks, "What's the problem," I asked, "Do you recognize this pie," he says, "Yes, that's our pie," I said, "This is a cherry pie, I wanted an apple pie, I'd like my money back." He looks at the pie, then looks at me, then asks to see the receipt, I told him I don't have a receipt, he tells me I don't need to shout. That only made me more angry, he said there's nothing they can do for me, I said there has to be something, he said there's nothing, I said that's bullshit, he asked if I'd like to file a complaint and I said yes.

So then I had go stand at the back of this other line and wait another good ten minutes just so I could talk to the same lady who couldn't do a goddamn thing for me in the first place. I finally get there, she has the nerve to ask me how she can help today after witnessing everything that just happened ten minutes before, I said I'd like to file a complaint, she said, "Okay, just one minute please," I said, "Make it snappy," she rolled her eyes.

She asked for my name; I gave her my name. She asked for my birthday; I gave her my birthday. She asked for my address; I gave her my address. She asked for my occupation; I told her, "Birthday clown," pulled the pie out of the box and threw it in her face.

And that's why you didn't learn about anything today.

Class dismissed.

Credits: _{All images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "Anything is better than nothing."}

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