Forty fucking four

I'm on the bus going to doctor. It's my birthday. 9pm appointment.

Why ? At my Sunday appointment, my dental hygienist is 5 months pregnant, knows I'm trying and strongly recommended endometrial scratch to improve chances of implantation. I can't stand my fertility doctor, she recommended hers, and I got a last minute appointment due to a cancellation.

On the bus, I sit next to a guy. He seems to notice me and when I noticed that he noticed me.. I see he's quite cute.

He's on the n phone. I'm reading my book and surfing on my phone.

After 10 mins, the seat opposite frees up. So I move and sit there.

Bus trundles on.

He gets up to leave his seat next stop.

Awkward smiles are exchanged.

Slightly awkward then more comfortable conversation ensues.

He's product manager in startup. Former engineer. On his way home from work.

So we talk and he says this is his stop and said I felt there was chemistry and maybe we can talk and he said maybe you want to go for a walk and I said actually I have a doctor's appointment at 9. So he said he'll stay on bus and talk with me.

So the bus meanders some more stops.

Then it's my bus stop.

It's all a bit awkward but he seems nice.

We stand ad get off train bis together. I'm explaining, I'm sorry, I really can't be late for this appointment. And I have to focus on finding the right address.

He says, I don't mean to push you, I felt there was a spark, maybe we can get to know each other?

I say sure, how about we so coffee?

He says, yes, that would be nice.

More awkward smiles.

We're walking along and I say... btw the way how old are you?

He says "32".

I say " look I'm 44"

He's a bit shocked. Wouldn't have put me above 35.

It's always like that in life. The outside is a reflection of us as a benchmark. Younger guys think I'm younger, older guys think I'm older.

Now I don't want to waste my time. I'm on the way to a doctor's appointment to investigate scratching my womb in order to improve chances if implanting one of the ten embryos I froze next month. I used to be romantic but now I'm afraid I'm cynical he just wants to get laid. And I don't believe in men like I used to. I'm so tired. Besides, he seemed nice but why would he want to be with my and my luggage?

So I'm testing him a bit.

"Look" I say "we're probably we're looking for different things."

And he's a bit shocked or maybe he's just awkward I don't know.

He says "well if you asked me out I wouldn't say no, you're a beautiful woman" he says, or words to that effect. I can't remember what because I'm so bad at staying present at moments like these.

I say "but I'm probably making you embarrassed because probably we're in different place, right?"

"Well I could be up for adventure " he says and then he mumbles.

I'm saying to myself like " Jah, Jah, ok I hear you".

And I'm thinking- nahhh. I can't be doing with another episode of a delusional interlude with a younger guy with whom there's no way it will turn into something.

Just then, I find the building where my doctor's appointment is.

"Here" I say.

"Quick hug goodbye" he says.

We hug. Not slimy hug.

"I don't want to impose myself in you" he says ". Can I kiss you" he says.

I've got to be grown-up. I don't want to. No.

"I'm sorry I've really got to go-to my appointment" I say. Smile genuinely. "Bye".

"Bye" he says.

So I walk rapidly towards the building and then I think.

Fuck it.

I'm forty fucking four.

I should celebrate. Celebrate my life and this beautiful man.

I wasted so much already, worrying I'd end up a dried up prune. Hell, age 29, I was convinced no man would want me once I turned 30.

And here I am 44. This very cute 32 guy.

I walk back. "I changed my mind" i said. "It's my birthday."

So then we kissed on the lips and it was short but nice.

And because I was so embarrassed I RAN into the building of the doctor.

Because I am 44. And simply must get pregnant ASAP.

Did I make the mistake of my life?

Was it YET ANOTHER guy wanting to get laid?

And that, my darlings, was my birthday.

Forty fucking four.

Feeling lucky. And alternately clued up. And utterly utterly clueless.
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