I am not Okay

Dear World,
I am writing this because I don’t know what else to do. It seems that writing truly is my lifeline; it kept me going as a teenager and here it is still helping me cling onto life. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Or maybe that’s a lie. I know what I need to do, but I just don’t want to. I want to take a nice last walk to the river bridge and jump off. But I won’t. This isn’t a cry for help. At this point, no one can help me. I’ve gone past the point of no return and this is what you get. A severely demented mess. I tried to hold onto hope, yet it shattered me into a million pieces. I held onto fear for so long that by the time I chose to seize the day, the moment was gone. Life lessons? I guess. The Fool must learn the hard way in order to truly understand.

She was my entire world. I built a home in her eyes. She would tell you that I was the one to close the door, but it’s much more complicated than that. Have you ever given someone your word, but fear made you unable go through with it? I know I broke her heart. I know I kept telling her I would get help, but I was so trapped inside my own head. I wish she could have understood why it was so hard for me to take that first step. To get help. To reach out to a professional, but I was fucking terrified of spilling my secrets to a stranger, a trained specialist to make it more terrifying. Someone trained to watch your every move. To analyze everything you say. To some people, that might be comforting. For someone who had grown up in that kind of environment, I get how that can seem like an easy fix, but IT’S NOT when you grow up with such paranoia. When you grow up with a family that only races to the hospital when you’re bleeding out and about to die. My father is very stubborn; I am his spitting image. My grandmother is hella paranoid; she would cause a therapist to need a therapist. I might write a book about my family one day and maybe the world will finally understand why I’m so fucked up in the head.

I thought that her growing up with a therapist as a mother, she’d be able to understand my brain a little bit and work with me; that she’d understand brains work differently. I thought she would be supportive and love me regardless because she could see I was trying my best. Because I was. Last Fall I had really gotten bad. I was stressed with everything in my life and I kept taking it out on her. It’s not an excuse. It’s just life. I feel that she hasn’t gotten out enough to know what life is about. She’s almost always had a stable foundation. I stepped out of my comfort zone for her a million times. I moved to an unknown city. I shared a bed with her and got comfortable with her mother who ended up shredding my heart to bits a few years ago when she tried shoving me into therapy with such little compassion because she “couldn’t deal with it” since her child had depression all her life. Wow. What a great fucking person you are. I never trusted her again after that. I see now that that’s how my ex treated me. She couldn’t deal with me anymore; didn’t want to try and understand me, so she pushed me to go get help. I was angry because I wasn’t being seen. I was angry because I was hurt. I didn’t need you to tell me to get help. I just needed you to hold me and tell me it was going to be alright and that we’d get through this. But no.

She’s stuck on this new bandwagon of “if they’re toxic, leave them.” People are going to end up very fucking alone in their life...How about, if they’re toxic, love them? Learn to understand them? Because that’s all I needed…Love. I didn’t need expensive gifts. I didn’t need getaway trips, but I did enjoy them even if I fucked them up a lot. Because I thought we would have time to explore the world when we were feeling better. When we had more energy and more stability. I dreamt of a future of us traveling the world. And that’s why I say the future is irrelevant because it’s forever changing, forever shifting. You have no idea when life can be ripped away from you, so you must embrace the moment now.

I just wanted you to look me in the eye and see my soul…feel my pain so that I could feel yours, but we were both so stubborn. We refused to acknowledge the pain of the other when we were the culprit of it. We were willing to walk through Hell to comfort each other when life just sucked and people were assholes, but when it came to seeing the pain we caused one another, we chose to look away.

When I was angry and couldn’t pull myself out, I just wanted her to reach over and touch me. Wrap her arms around me and tell me I was going to be okay. But my anger scared her. She didn’t understand why I got so trapped inside my head. She shut down. We both did.

There came a time when we stopped doing things. I will take a lot of blame because I never wanted to go out. I think I was depressed. Who knows. But that kept getting worse and I could see she was getting sad that I never wanted to do anything. So she stopped trying. And then I stopped trying.

I had this thing when we first started dating that I never wanted to spend money on experiences. That was a terrible fuck up cuz I was still living with my parents and actually could burn through money if I wanted to. Unlike nowadays where I’m trying to figure out how I’ll pay next rent. I think she forgave me. But then when I started living on my own, I really couldn’t afford to do much and I sensed some resentment. I felt so guilty and she would be very passive-aggressive at times about it (I was also a Queen of passive-aggressiveness). We’d take trips to the mountains or the beach when we could, but it wasn’t often.

And oh the beach…. Last summer. Gods did I fuck up there. That is where this entire mess started. We were taking a vacation to the beach for a night. She loves the beach so much; my heart resides in the mountains but hers is in the sea. We were hanging out in the hotel room and I was really chilly because I’m a twig nowadays (as people like to freak out and tell me. Please stfu and leave me aloooone. Just because you liked the way I used to look doesn’t mean I did. I love my body; it’s beautiful. I’m taking care of it. Kay? Thanks. Go eat a burger and fry if that gets you off. I can live without the stomach ache.)

Anyways, I realize now that I get very irrational when I’m cold. I don’t know if it’s some survival mechanism that kicks on, but I can get really mean so nowadays I do my best to layer up even if everyone else is laughing at me. Fuck you, I’m cold. So, I had asked her if we could turn off the AC and for some reason, she thought I meant for the entire night, so she told me no cuz it was going to get really hot. Well, me and my dumb self decided to not talk it out like a rational adult. Instead, I instantly got angry because in my mind I was like…oh, so you really don’t care that I’m freezing over here? Fuck you. I instantly clung to the mindset of “wow. You don’t care about me” like a stupid fucking child. I honestly don’t remember what happened right after that. I remember me getting grumpy. Finding a long sleeve in my bag. Then at some point I got angrier cuz I was still cold, said some probably hurtful things, but honestly I can’t even remember what was said then. My brain has completely blocked it out. I think I started yelling at her because I just wanted it off for like the hour and then that made her defensive. And then at some point I angrily ripped my button up shirt off, causing buttons to fly everywhere. I don’t know why I’m always so gods damned dramatic.

I grabbed my keys and said I was going somewhere. I didn’t end up taking my car, but I just walked out on the beach. And I found some serenity and thought things through and started realizing that I was being a child. I realized that we could have been out here enjoying the beach at night like I was alone. I guess this is my karma, to be alone. I always wanted her to come running after me. Why? Dramatic flair? I’m a needy bitch? sigh I have no fucking idea. I always wanted her to be able to read my mind and understand me, but how could she do that if I didn’t actually talk to her?

I went back after grabbing a jacket from the car. We talked it out, but I knew I had hurt her terribly. I was so stupid to do what I had done. It should have never escalated to that. I promised her that night that I would go get help. Go to therapy for anger management. And I really thought I was able to keep that promise. I promised her the next day would be great…and I broke that too.

We were enjoying the beach, hanging out in the waves when I asked her if we could go to a certain shop before we left. We only had a few hours because we had class later that night and she said we probably wouldn’t have time. And once again, I didn’t talk to her like an adult. I instantly got angry that she wasn’t willing to let me pop in and check out a store; we should have talked it out, but instead I just let the anger brew.

And remember that thing about me being cold? Well turns out, I don’t particularly enjoy being wet much nowadays either because I get cold so easily either when I go into the water or get out. I’m become a baby with the cold, and I hate it. So that mixed together with my anger didn’t go well. I started drifting away from her, she didn’t notice (or so I thought) and I realized I didn’t want to be in the water anymore. So I went out and laid on the beach for a while and when she finally came to shore, I don’t think she acknowledged me. Maybe she did. I guess that doesn’t matter. I don’t think we talked. And I really didn’t want to get back into the water and that hurt her feelings. I couldn’t help that part but I know now that I should have tried. When she told me we could go to the shop, I got angry about it because I had already given up that idea and I was just letting her enjoy the beach. Honestly, that entire vacation was entirely fucked up by me. None of that should have happened. I ruined a perfectly good time…and I can never change that.

Time went on and I never went to therapy. The more I thought about it, the more it terrified me. I had this idea that if I talked to someone, I had to tell them every little thing about me. I thought they had to know I was a spiritual whacko and that terrified me. I built up this story in my head that therapy would backtrack all of the work I had done on myself...that they might lock me away for being delusional. It didn’t hit me until a month ago that therapy was a helping push if I let it and used it properly. I was clinging onto an irrational fear and using that as an excuse. I understand now why she didn’t understand my fear…but I still wish she had tried to. Maybe it would have helped me realize how irrational it was.

Last Fall, I had it really rough. I was backed up on my rent but my landlord is amazing and has been very understanding. I was waiting for my loans to come in for school to help catch me back up, but things got messed up with my credits and my loans were canceled. I ended up having to withdraw for the Fall and was working a crap ton just to pay my landlord back. I also owed my girlfriend money too and that wasn’t helpful for my anxiety. I just hate owing people things. It hangs over my head.

I really enjoyed my job serving the elderly people at a retirement home, but it was also insanely stressful. I nearly broke down and had panic attacks a few times because I became so overwhelmed. I gave my all at that job even though I could see a lot of others around me were slacking off. It got to the point where I hated going to work; I was so socially, physically, and mentally drained that I didn’t really have the will to do artwork much or create music. In a nutshell, I was hella stressed and I really thought I was going to drop out of school and move back home. That terrified me. One, going back home is the last thing I ever want to do; I love my family, but they are also laid the foundations to my problems. Two, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my girlfriend even if we were only an hour away. I always wanted to be with her. I was cherishing every moment I had…Maybe I knew our fate all along and I was taking the time to memorize every second so I wouldn’t forget.

I was taking my stress out on her. In what ways? I don’t remember but I’m sure I was being a selfish asshole. I felt that I needed her to comfort me, to help me, and maybe I wasn’t getting what I needed? I think that’s because I refused to actually communicate what I needed. I unfairly expected her to read my mind. I always got angry instead of explaining why I was upset. I had severed our ability to communicate because now even if I was angry about a topic, not at her, she took it as me getting mad at her. And that is my fault. I know why that happened…because it’s a pattern I carried with me from childhood. I get scared when I hear voices yell even when it’s not at me. I fucked her up with my anger….I belittled her. I made her feel insignificant…I gaslighted her. So why should I be surprised that she would react in the same way I have? I fucked up beyond words. I wish I could show you everything I’ve done, but I would be ashamed to see the Light of day again and I don’t even have clear memories…Just guilt for the product I had created…

I promised her again during Winter that I would go get help. And then I spent a week to myself crying my eyes out because I realized I was too terrified to go. I felt that I couldn’t voice this terror to her because she would see me as weak, she would view me as pathetic. I was afraid she wouldn’t understand and leave me. And I guess I was right about the last part.

When January came around, I was able to enroll into school again and life seemed to be looking up. I was starting to get the feeling that I was getting better on my own and that I had the strength to pull through this. My friend paid for my ticket to go to this self-improvement festival, Interfusion, and it was so amazing. In just a weekend, I learned so much about myself. I opened up in ways with strangers that I had never before, and I had realized I wanted to be this person with my girlfriend. I was dancing and laughing so much. I was so happy. I wanted that with my girlfriend. To fall even deeper in love with her.

I was realizing I had the strength to get over my fears and could come back strong, ready to make it work. When I came back that Sunday, we had a great night. That’s the very last good memory I have of us and I hope I never forget it. I thank the Cosmos for that last divine gift in our relationship because I actually felt her soul…I thought she felt mine…I thought I had finally succeeded in battling this demon and breaking the chains.

I went home the next day confident, feeling like I knew what I had to do with my life. I realized that my job was affecting my mental health and I had loans coming in to help support me for a while for the Spring semester. I felt the Cosmos push me to quit and I let her know my decision. She didn’t seem all too enthused because I had a therapy options through work and she took that as me saying I wouldn’t do therapy. Right then and there, she told me it wasn’t going to work out. She didn’t ask if I was still considering counseling from school. Maybe if she did, I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did. For me, I knew I needed to leave this job and I was hurt she wasn’t supporting me. And then her reaction broke my heart. She was so quick to shut off our relationship. I could have said I’d go to school therapy, but I honestly felt that I didn’t need it. I was trying to explain to her that I thought I was on the right track but to her I was just crying wolf.

So I severed our connection. I made the clean cut because I felt I needed to do what I did. And then a week later, she contacted me needing closure, but that confused me cuz I thought we had closure. So when we met up, that sent me into a deeper spiral again. I had been doing decently well for our breakup, but seeing her tore me apart. I thought she might notice I was getting better (but I know you can’t see change overnight). When she told me she didn’t want to risk getting hurt because I wouldn’t go to therapy, I understood because we both had boundaries. Maybe we just couldn’t be on the same page.

But then she left, and I actually got sick because I was so upset from seeing her. A week and a half later I marched myself to the counseling center because I thought I was going to break without her. I realized that I was making dumb excuses and that talking to someone would help. I sat in on the short first session and I walked out of there with a referral paper for anger management and relationship distress. I sent her the picture to show to her that I had finally went. That I realized how stupid I was. How could I tell someone I would do anything for them? Yet I wasn’t? That’s what made me go. Because I was being a hypocrite and I hate hypocrites. I knew I had a lot of anger that I didn’t know how to deal with well and I wanted to improve for her, but also for everyone including myself because it affected every aspect.

She ignored me.

I went to therapy on February 25th. She didn’t say a word to me until I told her happy birthday on the 8th of March and all she said was “thank you :)”. A few days passed and I get a confirmation for my appointment. I tell her.

She ignored me.

I tried to give her space, but the unknown was eating me up inside. Did I still have a chance? Was she ignoring me because I had fucked up too badly? I asked her to please talk to me on the 11th

She ignored me.

Sent her some long paragraphs on the 15th.

Still nothing.

And then the next day, the worst thing that could have happened, happened.

I found out my best friend from high school shot herself; we hadn’t talked in years but she still meant the world to me. I really don’t wish to go into details; I’ve already cried my heart with regret for that lost friendship. I texted my ex about it and she called me.

I hate that death brings people together.

She was friends with her too, but not as close. She let me come over and I hung out with her and a few friends. I tried asking if I could spend the night, but I knew it was a question in vain. I guess I could feel her slipping away and I had just lost a friend I could never ever see again. Those kinds of things make you realize how important it is to cherish the moments you have.

That’s what I had been trying to do…to drag that moment out. We were both hurting but it wasn’t from us; it was another source that allowed us to bond again.

For me, I realized I would end my life if anything ever happened to her. I would die for her even now. That realization hit me so hard and I was trying to cling onto her. But they do say the harder you cling, the more you push away. Being the Fool I am, I could only understand that through experience.

I gave her space after the news and she got even more devastation finding out a friend of hers also took their life. I offered comfort if she needed it. She came with me to our friend’s memorial. I think we spent time together later that night for company, but I did go home.

We sparsely texted back and forth for a few days, but then it faded out.

She ignored me again.

She didn’t text me back until I let her know about some more information on our friend. I invited her over for dinner so we could talk about it, and I honestly really wanted to see her and talk about other things too, but when she finally came over, it didn’t exactly go as planned.

We talked about our friend and socialized, but we never made dinner because we ended up hanging out with some mutual friends. I didn’t mind that, but I was also let down that we couldn’t have dinner. I wanted to make a good memory. I wanted to make her dinner because I liked doing that for her and I wanted it to feel normal so that we could talk about the potential of us. But it never happened. I was still glad to have a memory of us together as friends, but still.

We texted for a few days but faded out. Then I realized I really needed closure because my brain was running rampant. I didn’t consider that she was working a lot or that she had school work. All I could think about was that she was moving on and didn’t want me anymore because she always seemed to avoid everything around us. It was driving me insane.

She didn’t message me back when I told her I needed closure and needed to know if I had a chance because I thought I had been doing what she needed me to do. I even talked about my therapy session at least once with her but she never would go deeper. It made me wonder, “why did I even try?”

I guess it was too late. Her silence felt like an answer and I sent her one last text telling her I got the hint. That I was angry, depressed, and confused because I was finally doing everything in my power to fix things, but the damage had already been done and in her eyes, we couldn’t repair this together. I jumped to conclusions in that text which she always hates. I said some really stupid things out of desperation and anger.

She told me I could have been polite, but I HAD been polite in the past asking her to speak to me and she STILL ignored me. Why would I think being polite this time would change anything?

She told me she actually was going to text me that day and my accusations were all wrong and honestly, I felt horrid realizing that. But it didn’t matter because her mind was already set. It was too little, too late in her eyes. She had given me half a year to go to therapy and it took me losing her to go and that broke her heart. I understand that. I really do…but for me…I thought I was still within the time range to fix things.

I opened my heart to her and tried to get her to see I wanted to make this work and I was changing, going to therapy, but it doesn’t mean a thing anymore.

I had been trying to find myself in our relationship and I finally did find me, but she wants nothing to do with it. Out of foolish pride to find myself, I only cared about my pain, and it took me losing her to see that.

I’ve done a lot of terrible things. Said a lot of things I regret that she miraculously forgave me for because she loved me that much. I guess I thought this could be another moment like that especially because I had finally taken the steps. I had finally faced my fears.

Walking out of my first therapy session, I felt so confident about my life and where it was going. But…I don’t really know anymore. I’m just along for the ride now…

Honestly…what hurts the most is she couldn’t even say “I’m proud of you.” So many other people told me this, but I just wanted to hear it from her. I just wanted to be something good in her eyes again. She couldn’t even acknowledge that I finally faced one of the biggest demons in my life…and it was so terrifying for me…but it was too late.

And I know I broke her heart when I said no to therapy at first because to me, I was setting a healthy boundary and honoring myself. In her eyes, I was disrespecting her; not acknowledging the pain I had caused her. My heart hurts. My soul is numb. I feel so dramatic and terrible because she’s still walking on this Earth while I know people who can never see the person they love ever again. That’s what life has taught me recently…

You must seize the moment when you can.

You must love every day, if even it’s just yourself. And…she was doing that…to her, this ending to our relationship was loving herself. Was honoring that she needed to heal. And I know I need to respect that, but she finished breaking my heart that I had starting chiseling at myself. When she finally told me my efforts were in vain, when I felt that she didn’t see my progress or even acknowledge I tried, my heart completely shattered.

She strings me along. Tells me to not have hope for us getting back together. But also that it’s not impossible. How can you be so contradictive!? She tells me we have decades left on this Earth, but what if you’re wrong? You don’t know what could happen. What if something happens? What if life is too hard without you and I can’t do it? Because I built a home in you…and I feel like I’ve been kicked to the streets to fight my battles alone in the Night. I know the Darkness helps us grow…but I’m so tired of the suffering. If it’s not my suffering, it’s another’s. I just can’t take this world anymore. It’s overwhelming.

She’s not a bad person. Far from it.

And I know I’m not a bad person either; just broken, trying to find the right pieces to glue back together.

I know I hurt you. So badly. That’s why I was having such a hard time going to therapy because I knew I needed to go for you, but I had this opposing force keeping me in fear. That stressed me out even more and I thought working through it on my own and taking space would be enough. I thought if I could show you I had the strength to do this on my own, you’d be impressed. You’d see how strong I was.

But I wasn’t strong because I kept running from my fears. So that’s why I finally ran to therapy. It was only a few weeks after we broke up…I thought I was still within the time frame to mend our hearts together. Because I thought you were my Twin Flame; together we rose, but I know that with every great thing comes bad for comparison because you can’t have one without the other. Did you ever realize this?

Life doesn’t get easier; you only learn to cope with it better…or you don’t…like a few who aren’t around anymore. And I really hate to say it aloud because I know it hurts the ones I love, but sometimes I wish I had the courage to follow in their footsteps. I know I have much to offer this world, but I don’t know if I even want to without her…and I know that’s so selfish…

I’m sorry world for being so fucked up. I’m sorry that I am so slow to learn these life lessons. She said she was breaking the cycle…That she can’t be hurt by me anymore and needs to heal. I just wanted to prove to her that I’m changing… That I’ve discovered a whole new vista inside me…I just wanted her to explore this new beginning with me…

But alone we walk.

Five years. Probably the best years of my life.

Hello Darkness, my old friend. I am here to talk with you as a friend. When the world runs in fear, I will stay and understand you. I will let you show me the silence so that I may find strength in my pain.

I will not walk away from today. But I promise you I am not okay.

Shadow and Starlight, guide me.

Amethyst