Musings of a Recluse

Last night, I was calling my long-time long-distance friend just to have a familiar someone to talk to. It was like asking him about his life so I could tell him about my life. It's undeniable that we are self-obsessed creatures. He was telling me about his responsibilities as a father, problems with his wife, and far more important issues in life. I guess that's the best thing about living with other humans, you have far more excitements in life. I truly enjoy listening to him because I feel like I am much needed here. And it's a good feeling. Then I was telling him about my isolation.

You chose that life. Remember why you are there.

This is the truth. I was telling him about my accomplishments, a reminder of why I am here. The rewards for my isolation. I am not saying that I am Nikola Tesla, not at any level, but there seems to be a great thing for choosing not to be married or not to be greatly involved in the deep affairs of the society.

Another friend or a momentary businessman friend in this town once told me, "success in business depends on your location. And you are in the right place." I believe what he said. Now I remember why I am here.

If I am not going out with my guests (on tours, night out, or some event), I might not as well see and feel the sun in this sun-soaked part of the world. Somehow I feel happy that I have a safe space for my real thoughts. I stay in my dome of safety where I feel most comfortable. Writing, working on my thing, exercising, sleeping, thinking. A lot of time to think. Then I think, is there something wrong with me?

To be honest, I don't want to be seen unless needed. I wear an invisible cloak whenever I go out but it seems like the more you want to be anonymous, the more you attract attention. I don't want a shallow human connection. I used to think that this is a sign of some serious mental problem. But then I realized, I just feel more safe and comfortable inside my mind.

In the beginning, I wanted to prove that there's nothing wrong with me. So believe me, I tried to be part of the crowd. I made new friends. I lost them. I am not traveling anymore yet I feel like I've gotten used to the goodbye-nice-to-know-you life. I realized that my age is not the right time to make new friends. Or maybe I just have different interests now. And people are not part of it. It's not that I'm judgmental, it's just that I know the deal most of the time. I see right through people. I don't want to waste my time anymore. Then I remember why I am here.

I have a purpose. Goals, dreams, and ambitions. These things are usually not for people who want to be with people. I know, so maybe, there's really something wrong with me.

I look back and see what I've achieved so far. I feel happy. And maybe Lady Gaga is right, career won't wake up one day and tell me it doesn't love me anymore. Or maybe I got so hurt by so many people that I don't believe in them anymore. The only world I know is a world of pain. Feeling the pain and giving the pain. It's a vicious cycle. Deep down, I know this isn't true. Think of all the people who tried to save me. Think of all the people I tried to save.

Or maybe it's a good thing that my happiness no longer depends on people and that my loneliness depends on people. Somehow I got the right balance there. I am kind of like illusioned and disillusioned at the same time. If I want to be happy, I'll think about my selfish ideals. Then if I want to be lonely, I'll try to be part of the community. Because I feel more lonely when I'm surrounded by people than when I'm alone. I can go back and forth anytime I want. That's the best thing about my life. I can choose anything.

I have the same question as Sylvia Plath, "Is there a way out of my mind?" I am out of my mind.

I am not meant to be understood.

Finally, I asked my friend why do I feel like a human sometimes. Needing somebody, needing you to be here.

You chose that life. Remember why you are there.