I read your last article on suicide. It impressed me a lot.

You're saying that

People don't know what to do in their lives. They either wish to do what other people do (conformism) or do what others wish them to do (totalitarianism)

In this "either-or" statement I hear a certain pessimism or perhaps resignation. Possible trouble too? Is "conformity" not also simply a will to survive on our part, because belonging means life and that means isolation is therefore inanimacy? Also, I can find a positive connotation on placing myself under the guidance of others which is also human. Nobody actually likes totalitarianism as I'd be made by force of arms to do something I don't want.

Seeking death by others is quite a radical method and it held the risk that you could have found exactly that. I think you're lucky no one tried to kill you. I think seeking death by the hands of others places a heavy burden on this other person, who then actually kills someone. Making yourself an easy target is only one side of the coin. But what this triggers in the murderer afterwards, such as guilt, shame, punishment, prison and disregard and self-accusation and everything else related to it, is no small matter. Just like those who have an emotional connection to a murderer suffer because it is difficult to have a relative or friend who killed someone.

Maybe that's why you didn't invite death so much after all?

It wouldn't have been a good death. The survival instinct that we humans and probably all living beings possess would have caused a defense if it is a foreign hand that strikes, stings or strangles you. In these last seconds the body panics and you fight back, even if you may not necessarily intend to. I think there's some sort of biological reflex. ... Maybe there are exceptions, I can't really say, because I've never been confronted with a weapon or the physical intention of another one wanting to harm me ...

The circles involved in killing, whether suicide or murder, are great. The people who suffer as a result must then come to terms with what a murderer or suicide leaves them.

As for the rest of your journey and that you experienced hope on the way and people in their different facets... Remarkable. I think you've made a big leap in reality.

... This reminds me of a statement once made by an astronaut who was in space. After being asked how his experience changed him, he said something like "it wears off. When you get back on Earth long enough, you fall back into your old habits." ... I sense that this is also something that maybe happens to you right now... that this extraordinary journey of yours wears of?

Nevertheless, I would say that the view of what the world really is - good and bad alike - will not be completely forgotten.

Is it possible that you are preparing yourself differently for your death and want to experience it rather peacefully and with fearless consciousness?

Buddhist monks make a habit of it. They regularly stay with the dead and even look at decaying bodies so that they get used to them and death loses its horror. In the end, dying is something very physical... and yet spiritual at the same time...