Wow, what emotion that was put into this post. I can tell that you've spent so much time thinking about what you can do to get yourself out of the hole that you're in, and you're one of many. I think that pain is relative, for some it could be a problem as great as a mountain, while others it could be a problem as small as a speck of dust. I'm happy to see that you are one of those people who accept that they're in a hole, but you're doing your damn best to dig yourself out of it. I know it may not look like much progress now, but if you can get your mood from 40 to a 45 it's still great progress that you're making. I hope you strive to continue this pattern, you are very brave to post this, so kudos to you. :)