Hey Steemit!
I do just feel like 'letting off some 'steem' right now so forgive me!
I have been at work all day and have had to keep a lid on things and all I really want to do is scream and shout - it's just not a good day for me!
On this day 2 years ago my so called grandfather committed suicide after being faced with charges of Sexual Abuse. I can't help but let the anger flow freely through my veins, which is surprising as I thought I had 'got passed that', but in truth, I don't think it is something you just 'get passed', just simply learn to live with it and build a more positive, happy life.
Myself pictured on 'his' lap, something I ALWAYS used to do.
And again at christmas time, the 'perfect' looking picture.
A very good, and wise friend of mine said to me today, "One always has blessings, when you feel down count your blessings it's the antidote. One can't hold hands lovingly and fight at the same time. Our brains are not wired that way."
I completely agree and this helped shift a little of my funk. But you know those moments when you are SO frustrated and you start throwing things, or slam the glass down on the table that little bit harder etc, that was me today, except I couldn't do any of those things, I had to smile and be pleasant like I had roses growing from my backside, unbeknown to them of the thorns that were paining me on the inside.
I don't like to 'go on' about things, as I know I have already posted about this, just I've not actually spoken to anyone about this today, as I know I am not the only one who today has affected. I'm more of a 'in silence' type, and suppose this is a way of 'offloading', so my apologies to whoever may or may not be reading!
The anger I felt this day two years ago was off the scale. I was at my best friends house and had heard and read on the local live news that a man had stepped onto the train tracks and waited for the train. I just knew in my gut it was him. With that, I walked up to the station. I got there and couldn't move, I just stood outside watching, there was nothing to see, the services were obviously quick with there work and had 'collected' all they could. It was then that I phoned the police and 'let them know' what had happened as I just knew it was him. I was told they were 'aware' of the incident and would let me know of any updates. They didn't. They knew it was him before I phoned and obviously didn't want to tell me over the phone, which now I totally understand, but at that time it was a different story!
I got back to my friends and had a call from my mum to say the police had been round and gave them the news. We finished up the conversation and that was that, I don't remember much else from that day, only that I didn't go to work for my night shift and that the next morning Facebook was going mad with messages to family dishing out sympathy like it was going out of fashion.
That was the final straw, I wanted everyone to know of the monster behind that decieving mask. I had talked back and forth with my best friend as to whether I should 'do it' or not, 'it' being writing my own Facebook status exposing him for who he really was. Finally I managed to throw some words together and got the truth out...
After this came a lot of shock and complete disbelief - that in itself caused more anger than what it was worth! But I knew the possible outcomes of my actions - to the point of reporters messaging me because they wanted coverage, I was up for that at first but opted out in the end. I was just on a major anger high! To hell with everything!
BUT! That was then and this is now. I feel I have come a long way since then, and today was just a little set back and I let some of that anger in, perhaps it's healthy, after all, we are 'only human' and shouldn't shut off our emotions completely (no matter how tempting it can be at times).
And how very true indeed. We are in control of what we want, and I only plan on GOOD things, here's to the future beautiful souls of Steemit!❤
On another note, I have had this song stuck in my 'two minds' ALL DAY LONG...🤘👌
Ok, I need to stop rambling and get to bed, another day of work awaits me and I am determine to be in a better mood! Sleep is VERY helpful with that haha!
Thanks for letting me chew your ears off 😉❤
Lots of love from England!
Your story touched me, but your courage touched me even more. I'm glad we can be here for you letting you chew our ears off. And if you're in need to do so more often, feel free and welcome. Wish you all the best!
Thank you @hetty-rowan that really means a lot ❤ Thank you for the support!
We are fortunate to have these forums to express the poison that eats away at our souls....hope your day today is less angry....
Exactly right @bobreedo Yes MUCH better today, thank you!
Brave - very brave! :)
MWAH! 🌻 Thank you 🤗
Hope writing it out helped and you are in a better place
Hugs @letsgetquirky
Thank you 🤗 Yes I needed that rant, and feel much better for it - better day today. Thanks again x
Oh wow, what a story. I can’t even begin to relate to what you were and continue to go to through. Thank you for sharing this - it was powerful to read. The lesson I am taking from it today is that you never know what someone is going through on the inside. You’ve inspired me to be more mindful of my interactions with other people.
Thank you @dollarsandsense! And yes, that is exactly right, unfortunately some are too quick to judge and get wrapped up in day to day life that the important things are forgotten. Is a tragedy really, and all comes down to time (in my opinion). Thank you for reading and stopping by - means a great deal that the post has inspired you :)
Wow! There are times I read posts on steemit and am in awe of the courage it took to write, but also the life that others lead. You are one of those. Kudos to you for writing this then and now. You deserve to be angry I think, but I'm sure you know that anger can take over easily and become an ugly habit. Keeping it all inside isn't the answer either, pretending to
I wish you well. Feel free to "chew my ear off" anytime! And you're so right, sleep does wonders, doesn't it?!
Thank you, really does mean a lot. Yes, I have had my time of being bitter about it all, and now focus on the better things. Yesterday was just doomed from the start really, and couldn't shake it, but did feel lighter once I had my rant lol. Thank you, that's lovely, I have that in writing now hahaha! Yes most definitely, I have some catching up to do so off to 'la la land' I go! Thanks again, is greatly appreciated! :)
You are most welcome! I'm so glad @steemitbloggers featured your post :)
This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
this is a very brave post, i congratulate you on having such strength and grace to have been able to rise from your difficult and turbulent past! keep on keeping on, being you <3
Thank you for your lovely words and support! <3
I have a similar past and can relate way too much to this post. I'm sorry that you didn't get the relief of having him go through a trial/public shame and that he took the chance to escape for his own selfish reasons.
I am really not good with words when it comes to these things, but I think it is a good thing to get it out in the open.
Hi @byn thank you so much for stopping by - that in itself means a lot ❤ Thank you for your words - you are better than you think, and yes it would have been nice for that to of happened, but just goes to show what kind of person he was, and one with a guilty conscience. Am sorry you can relate to this, no one should have to go through anything of the sort. Lots of love to you!
That's a brave thing to do, I guess that was not easy at all, coming forward with that story that is so personal and so painful for you. I guess it's good that people should know this though, because I can imagine otherwise people would constantly tell you: what a shame that he did this to himself.. or something in that order.. That may be very awkward to deal with.. You are a brave woman, and I think you should just vent when you feel you need to, everyone needs that from time to time.. and I find writing more healing than going to a therapist actually. I've done lots of my own healing myself by writing and selfreflection.. not there yet though ..
Big hug to you!
Thank you @anouk.nox is very much appreciated! I just needed to vent, and yes you are exactly right. I made the mistake of scrolling through Facebook (not thinking) and STILL saw messages offering sympathy, even now with the knowledge of who he was etc. I guess it was mainly for my nan.. she obviously never asked for any of this, which I get, but there's still a lot of uncertainty, but I give up trying to rationalize with myself, and just continue being the best I can be and know that myself and others are safe.
Thank you for stopping by, and I agree with you about writing. I hope you find peace very soon, best wishes and hugs to you!