Bad Surf

in #life6 years ago (edited)

IMG-PHOTO-ART-854175313.jpg

The start of the week. As ever I have the first of my twice weekly gym sessions in my quest to shave off the baby weight from the birth of the little boom. My weekend hangover was just a distant memory and I felt quite energetic.

I always prefer to go early in the morning as it gets the workout out of the way and then the rest of the day it's not hanging over my head.

kgzhzjx_2eg_20180813142521300.jpg

So, at the crack of dawn, I found myself clocking into my budget gym. As I got in the door though, I felt a pang in my undercarriage.

Bugger, it looked like my morning poo was a tad early?

I wondered if I would be able to hold it in till after my workout but I felt another pang as if a small but incredibly dense koala bear was pushing at my rear door.

kgzhzjx_2eg_20180813142716166.jpg

Damn it, there ain't no arguing with the morning poo. I dumped my bag in a locker and headed off to the singular toilet. That's right, my gym is so cheap it only has one poo repository for men. Shameful.

I got in and closed the door and prepared myself to sit down and let nature take her lovely course.

kgzhzjx_2eg_20180813142855807.jpg

Except there was something on the toilet seat.

Something oily and viscous.

Something slightly smeggy and off-white in colour.

It was spunk.

No, I didn't take a sample and go and confirm my suspicions via the lab. I just knew instantly that it was jizzum and that the toilet seat was covered in it.

kgzhzjx_2eg_20180813143952298.jpg

I mean, covered. Like an elephant had just shot its massive bolt all over the place.

I made a face as if a man had just spunked on the toilet seat I wanted to sit on. Yech, I put a hand on the door and readied myself to leave. No way was I going near that.

Something colossal shifted inside me, like an iceberg calving from an ice shelf. Then something rumbled.

kgzhzjx_2eg_20180813144159160.jpg

Oh oh. The morning poo was not for being delayed.

I paced back and forth in the small space clenching my small but adorable buttocks.

What to do? What to do?

Something inside me spasmed and my legs trembled like jelly.

Oh lord no, I had to go. I had to go now.

I grabbed a gigantic fistful of toilet paper and with a face worthy of a cat eating prunes mopped up the white oily man slick on the seat.

Is this what I have been reduced to? Wiping another man's jizzum off a toilet seat? I mean who even does that? Who shakes the pork tambourine in the gym toilet early in the morning?

I grunted in disgust.

Time to have a serious think about my choice of budget gym.

Sort:  
  1. "I made a face as if a man had just spunked on the toilet seat I wanted to sit on." Hmm, I think that's the first time I've seen you say I made a face as if: for what actually happened. Although I suppose this would fit right in to your usual array of (fictional) faces. See? " a face worthy of a cat eating prunes" right by the end.
  2. "Who shakes the pork tambourine in the toilet gym early in the morning?" I think that should be gym toilet, not toilet gym. Might want to fix that. Also: "Something slightly smeggy" Might want to change that to smelly. Stupid autocorrect.
  3. Apparently I am once again the only one to notice something important: Why exactly do you have baby wait to shave off? Someone's been having fun at the reader's expense. (For a second I thought you were continuing the "writing from someone else's perspective thing," this time from the good lady's.)
  4. I commiserate. I really do. But I'm not paying the fees for the psychologist to get over it.

Ah number 2, I fixed the toilet gym - thank you! I did however leave smeggy as it was intentional. It's a very British word. Similar to smeddom which generally implies a gentleman's issue :0)

And number 3, the baby weight, well, when the good lady popped out the little boom and we all were at peak no sleep it was a time of coffee and chocolate and anything else that could be used as a crutch to get by. I was being slightly mischievous in using it though!

Can you imagine the fear in the morning employees face when he's getting his duties for the day from management ...

"Someone reported ejaculate on the toilet seat. We'd like you to patrol the toilet every 10 minutes and listen. If it sounds like number 1 or number two, then continue on. If it sounds like a pork tambourine, then confront the individual..."

He too will be thinking ... "Might be time to move to another gym"

Ha, that would be terrible. Moving to another gym and the felon moves to the same one!!!

Hehe, a pork tambourine, makes me giggle so much

It turns out again, we are not made for the gym. We only need to accept it for a fact

I think this is indisputable evidence to support that!

HAHAHAHA I hope my landing gear never suffers from a koala so snarling. nice post, so funny!s

I hope your don't suffer it ;0)

You pay for what you get. That is horrendous, your guts forced you to do the unthinkable. It is funny though but not when t happens to you. You are a brave man and worthy of a medal.

I await my medal, someone had to send me one! :0)

I thought the 'sample' from the toilet seat was going to be used Jurassic Park style to make an a recreation of the depositer, so you could then grow it in a lab and then, once it reached full size, slap it and make it clean up it's mess :)

Hehehe, of yes, that would work a treat. I will have too get my lab out of mothballs!!!

I don't want to be that guy but that wouldn't happen had you chosen to continue your home gym idea, BRO-seph. I mean, if you would see a gentleman's relish splattered on the seat, it'd be yours. Actually, I'm more surprised you haven't seen some sooner! My experience with gyms have cemented that aura of sexuality in them. But, that's a story for a different post.

That is indeed a different subject for a different post. A post of horror!!

I assure you, it would be nothing but the stuff of nightmares. Nightmares I tells ya!!

Nightmare and fondeu!

Go Asian.
Remove your pants, lift both lids, place one foot on either side rim, find something to hang onto for dear life, and proceed.
It is good balance training especially if there is nothong to hang on to.

The idea of slipping and crashing down and sprawling in the mess gives me the heebers!!!

That's why you want the steadying bar, or a good grip on the soles of your shoes.

It sounds like hang gliding!

Oooo... A man having a "quickie" as they said. I also had an incident like you where I need to poo while literally jogging in the park. Fortunately, my house was in walking distance and get to the toilet just in time. Is your budget gym far from your home, meesterboom? Upvoted!

It is a fair bit away as it is near my work. I do hope when you got home you didnt find a strange coating on your toilet :OD

Haha! No nothing of that sort! :)

I think you're the only one here who can talk about the morning poo make me laugh like just a little one can do!!! :D
You made me think about an ads on the italian tv about people who have some problems with their poo, but that ads is not so funny like your content!!! :0D

Well It is nice to hear I have the edge over them pesky advertisers! ;O)

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.35
TRX 0.12
JST 0.040
BTC 70733.96
ETH 3563.16
USDT 1.00
SBD 4.76