The World Is Not Ready

I had been planning this. It had been a week in preparation. A week of secrecy and planning. Finally, I was ready.

I hoped that everyone else would be too.

I marched into work, coffee in hand, like a hero of old. It was quiet when I got in. Good, I liked it that way. I sat down at my desk and kicked back. I hoped that everyone was ready for this. The new me.

Change is always difficult. Change can be hard but I am forever a champion of change and the acceptance of this to make us stronger.

I hoped that others would be strong when they saw the changes I had wrought.

It wasn't the first time I had attempted the kind of feat that I had now mastered. Those other times had been poor shadow runs. Not like this one.

Oh no.

Angles came in. She was someone who often sat near me in our hot-desk new-age structure. We got on well. I hoped we still could.

Hey BoomDawg, fucking awful weather out there?

I reclined back further in my chair, pushing its engineering to the max as it strained to cope with such laid-backery.

Yeah, it's pure shit.

I eyed her knowingly.

Why are you looking at me like that?

She said, somewhat nervously.

Oh, I dunno. Maybe thinking you might have noticed something? Something different...

I smirked, as if I had successfully sold a wild penis on ebay.

She peered at me, her eyes roving up and down my finely honed physique. For a second her eyes lingered on my belly. No doubt she was wondering if there was a six pack lurking within, that was worthy of climbing up. Like a ladder of glory.

Ah, check your socks! Red stripes! Are they new?

I made a face as if someone had filled my pillow with farts.

No, they are not new.

I stated, a little tetchily.

She looked puzzled. Then her face lit up.

I haven't seen that t-shirt before! You are wearing new duds!

I growled low in my throat as if she were a gazelle and I had bought her to the ground after chasing her and biting her bum.

For fuck sake. Some people need led. It has always been true. I decided to give her a hint and stroked my luxurious beard. I had been growing it in secret for four days. Now it adorned my face like a beautiful Russian handbag.

She leaned in close. Perhaps too close.

Hey, you haven't shaved? Eewww. You really should.

I ran a thumb through the wild woods that grew underneath my bottom lip.

It's hard to drag a blade through this thatch baby.

She snorted as if I were small boy chasing a cat with a stapler.

It makes you look kind of dirty.

Rrraow. Sexy dirty. Yeah. I get that.

She wheeled her chair back a bit.

No, not sexy dirty. Dirty, as in, you look like you need a wash.

Now it was my turn to snort. I threw in a toss of the head like a maddened horse. She was just fucking jealous. Plain and simple. My fucking beard was obviously too majestic for her to cope with. I bet she wished she could grow a fucking beast like this.

I was thinking of getting some beard oil, you know, to condition it.

Angles barked out an almost hysterical laugh as if someone had just goosed her in the goosey gooseys.

Oh BoomDawg, we do love you. But seriously. Shave that shit off, you look silly. Or sneeze, it might just fly off then.

I stared at her and made a frrrfff noise through pursed lips. It was always thus. The Sheeple will never believe when a messiah walks in their midst.

Damn, It was really starting to itch though.

Maybe I would shave it off. The world is obviously not ready.