The current state of mind - my thoughts on depression and suicide.

Hello Steem warriors.

I myself have been struggling with negative emotions for so long that I cant even pinpoint where and when it began.

My vlog is posted here as well.
I may ramble a little as this topic is close to my heart

When I try to speak to the ones I love the most, it always seems to hurt them or push them away, so this has caused me to not say anything and just bottle my thoughts up inside and try to just deal with them myself, sometimes it works, most of the time it just resurfaces larger and more destructive than the last time.

Growing up I was never taught the fundamentals of emotions , what I learned was just from what I observed in my reality and Television.
I am the master of distracting myself and not sitting with my emotions and trying to figure out what I was feeling and why I was feeling them. Still now I struggle .

The last few years I have been through some of the darkest of days and nights. Walking around with such a cloudy , heavy mind state. But also these past few years I have had some of my life's most amazing and connected experiences, It has felt like an emotional roller coaster.

I have hurt others and I have been hurt. Not on purpose but none the less I have projected my emotions outward in a destructive manner. Rather than sit with them and examine why I was feeling the way I was.

I could never appreciate things in the moment and would only afterwards once I have lost something that was dear to me, would I realize what It had meant to me. How does that old quote go ? "You only realize what you have after it has gone"

Do you ever find yourself caught in a loop , one that feels like it is repeating itself over and over again. Stuck in indecision. Too many options that it paralyzes you and you cant choose? and in the end all choices are removed from you anyway.

This is my life.
Sometimes I wish that times were just simpler, where there was just few choices to make.. wake up , eat , sleep and survive. life would be easy. but it most likely wouldn't be . There would be other things that were out there in the night to get you.

Some say first world problems. either way .. first world problems or not .. Depression is real and it is always around lurking in the back of your mind to sneak in whenever it has the chance.

I'm by no means a professional in the field of mental health , but I do own some property in the land of sadness and depression. I visit my house there all too often.

Some people will tell you not to focus on your problems as this will make them larger, others will tell you to speak to anyone about them. Sometimes nothing works and you will feel like the only way out is to just make yourself non existent in this physical reality (by that I mean take your own life).
That should never be on the list of choices at least it shouldn't be on the top of the list..
If you find yourself here then , do something to greatly break your routine,
start with some exercise, running until you cant breathe will help.
if you have the money book a skydiving experience, or take a holiday. remove yourself from whatever place you are in and just look for some beauty and new experiences.

Find a charity and just ask them if you could do a few hours to help out they will be appreciative , you will be surprised how this can change your mood.

Read a book , take a course, pick something that you always wanted to do but never thought you could.

I know if your reading this and the above things seem impossible because you cant even get out of bed to shower or eat. I know ,, trust me I know.
But you will be OK , you will get better. just take some small steps a little bit at a time and you will get there. I promise you, you will get there.

Just take every single moment as it comes and try to fill your mind and mouth with gratitude and appreciation. Gratitude and fear cannot exist in the same space.

Just remember your not the first person to visit this place and you wont be the last , but if we all look out for each other and help wherever we can, things will start to get brighter.
You create your own reality and your thoughts will turn into things. if you are always in the darkness you will only get more darkness, try just stopping to find some matches and a candle and then you can start with a small amount of light then you can try to find the exit of the cave.

You can do it. I know you can..

Hope your days get better
@pandorasrealm