I went through similar. My sperm-donor never wanted me. He was from the South and had the stupid thought in his head boys should be born first and that girl were useless. I remember several incidents from when my parent were still married. Which you know is bad when they divorced when I was 5 and I am almost 50.

He was the cause and start of my low self-esteem and my depression. Luckily/sadly enough I saw him every other weekend. I did not have to put up with him day in and day out as you had to go through. I was about 2yrs old, I remember hearing a loud bang that scared me while I was watching Sesame Street. I remember him sitting there with a gun. My mom told me later (in life) that he said he was cleaning the gun and 'it just went off' It hit the floor an inch from me. Another incident I remember from that time was being thrown down the stairs, him standing at the top laughing.

When I confronted him about it years later he said he didn't recall any of this happening and that I was making things up. HOW in the world do you make up memories so vivid like that. I can even remember smelling his cigarette smoke.

When my brother was right around 12 mos old (I'm fuzzy on the age) we moved. I was playing with my brother and a ball. The ball rolled under his crib, I crawled under to get it, my back caught the release for the crib side and my brother went flying out of the crib. My mom was first in the room, took my brother to the bathroom to try to get the bleeding to stop. My sperm-donor came in the room and all I remember is the look on his face. I cannot tell you what happened. That whole time is completely blank. Shortly, after that I was standing on chair about 3 feet behind the sperm-donor he was cooking refried beans. I thought I was being silly and said that it looked like poo. I was backhanded off the chair, hit my head so hard I bit my tongue. Again I cannot tell you what happened after that. I remember horrible screaming matches between the two of them. A lot until he left. I have holes in my memories from that time.

He tried to kill me 3 more times growing up and the last one I was 31 years old. He put his hand around my neck. The look in his eyes, I will NEVER forget. I kept repeating to him to do it. 'This is what you have always wanted, why stop now.' 'Oh you're too chicken because you can't claim it was an accident, that you would actually go to jail" I admit I was horrible. That was when I said I was done. When he died a few years ago, I cried for a minute then came to my senses and had such a profound sense of relief. Still do.

I know hearing the 'everything will be ok', 'oh I understand', 'You just need to snap out of it.' is a few of the worst things anyone going through what you have been through can say. I wanted to share part of what I went through to show you I really do understand. It's a daily struggle. Some days are good. Some days are bad. I could be having a wonderful day and something as simple as a smell can drop me to my knees. To this day I cannot stand the smell of the original Old Spice or Aramis(if that's even still around)

I am by no means an expert. I have tried and failed A LOT over the years or learning how to live with my conditions. My official diagnosis is PTSD, major depression/bi-polar I (I don't get manic I have severe lows) generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. It's been the last 5 years that I finally have gotten the right therapist who has taught me better ways of coping with the feelings become overwhelming.

If there is anything I can do please let me know. I'm a great listener. I WILL NEVER condemn someone for these thoughts. In fact, here's one that will get you...It's normal. So many try to make it out to it being a negative. We know it's not pleasant going through these moments, but having the thoughts honest and truly are normal. We have to work on not beating ourselves up over them. We need to learn how to work through it and cope with it. You know as well as I do, these moments last sometime for a day or two or can hang around for months.

You have people here that care about you. One of them knows about my situation and what one of my goals are. She asked me to stop by. I am really glad I did. I've read some of your posting before, I've been kind of a lurker. One of the things I am still working on overcoming. This though is truly close to my heart, I hate seeing or hearing other in so much pain. Especially since I know what it's like. I usually withdraw from everyone and everything.

Hang in there. Like I said if you ever need anything please let me know. I think we're in some of the same Discord group if not my ID is in my banner. You are worthy.