Musings XXVIII
Love will tear us apart.
I was under a lot of stress when @kommienezuspadt, @guthrie and I were away on our month long trip. We did have an enjoyable time and made several cherished memories but I felt guilty for not posting daily. I had a good groove going while we were in New York but that pace was impossible to continue on our travels to Los Angeles.
Two days before our return to Minneapolis, I got a call from my father telling me that he needed me to move back into our family home. I was confused and took it as a joke at first. Then he explained to me that my mother was leaving him. I was shocked and I began to worry about their future.
I’ve sacrificed a lot for my family and at one point I was the breadwinner. They had gone through a devastating loss and had to file for bankruptcy because of a business partnership that went sour. They lost everything and I stepped up to be the head of the family. My dreams of an easy life were gone. Instead of worrying about college like my friends, I was determined to quickly advance in the work field. I was the first to offer my assistance, I never said no, I never complained and I worked long miserable hours. My hard work paid off because I was able to purchase a home for my parents.
I’ve suffered a lot knowing that they’re having a hard time. In this month alone, my father has revealed a vulnerability that he has never shared. In all the years that he’s raised me, I’ve never seen this side of him and it’s heartbreaking. My mother on the other hand has clearly shown me that she doesn’t have the life skills to take care of herself. She has always had someone holding her hand through it all and doesn’t know how to live independently.
I’m at a crossroad.
Emotions are high and instead of handling matters on their own like adults, they’ve decided to drag me into the middle. They don’t have the guts to speak their thoughts aloud so I’m stuck hearing all their harsh words. They text and call me at all hours of the day, demanding me to relay messages to one another. I’ve been leaving my phone behind or hidden because there is an uncomfortable anxiety that builds up whenever I see it.
I had a mental breakdown a week ago because I felt pressured to give up my new lifestyle to return to the workforce. I live a minimal lifestyle and the joys of creating art has been rewarding. The downside is that I’m helpless to lend financial support. Guilt had begun to sink in and I began to desperately search for high paying jobs in fear that my father’s health will decline from overworking. He’s not ready to give up the home that I worked hard to get them.
For now, nothing is certain.
Thanks for reading.🦊
I'm sorry to hear that foxxie. I am familiar with the situation that you are in, the time when we have to make some difficult decisions that are really rather unpleasant but necessary. I know that in time you will find enough courage and strength to make the right one. Take care :).
*hugs
Wow, this is so sad @vermillionfox. I'm just reading about this now as, you know, we have had no Steemit all day. I was feeling guilty because I could not post my art today nor do my daily reading on Steemit. That seems pretty simple worry compared to your current state.
You sound like an amazing daughter and hard worker. I think it is quite fair for you to say you have done your bit and it is your parents responsibility to care for themselves, but it's not really for me to say. Good luck in whatever path you choose regarding that and know that if you need to work more that we will all be waiting here for you on Steemit when you want to return more regularly. What would the art community here be without you :)
Be strong, as I know you are, we're here for moral support at least.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time and stuck in the middle of this conflict. Hopefully it will be resolved soon.
You must do the right thing that you feel deep down is the right thing to you. What do you truly need to do in this situation? What would give you the greatest release of the anxiety? Have you talked with them both about how this is making you feel? You are effected by this too. You have every right to speak your mind when you are dragged in the middle of a situation like this.
Just give it time
((Bear hugs))
If you find a high paying job you enjoy well that would be great. And I totally understand wanting to help out. At the same time your parents are adults and do need to sort their own stuff out.
Hope things resolve quickly.
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So sorry to hear! Ugh...that must suck so bad! I completely understand the conflict. The angst is real, but your number one priority is to your well-being. That kind of stress will make you ill and loose focus on the things you hold dear. Look, I'm not saying a complete detachment is required, rather an invitation to realize that there are alternatives to be considered. Thank you so much for being transparent @vermillionfox, I am witness to the struggle and offer empathy.
Shitty to have to be the ‘adult’ in situations where parents can’t deal. Be strong. It sucks to end up back in the workforce, but I hope it inspires creation.
I am so so sorry to hear that you're having to try to navigate through this situation, not only on your own behalf, but on behalf of your parents as well. I have been through an eerily similar situation in my own family, and my heart truly goes out to you. My parents separated shortly after I permanently moved out (so I was in my early 20s), and while you'd think being an adult "child of divorce" would be easier to deal with, it really isn't. There are so many more facets that you are then expected to deal with, that I feel a lot of parents wouldn't subject their young children to. Being in the middle is just one of those facets.
My folks also ended up filing for bankruptcy during this whole process, and there have certainly been times when I've had to take over the "parent" role, and try to help out when things got really rough.
My parents have now been separated for over a decade, and the tension between them is still beyond palpable. I get anxious even mentioning one to the other. Having them in the same room for my sister's wedding 3 years ago was so uncomfortable that even friends who had never met them could feel it.
I could go on and on, but I don't want to over-share.
Suffice it to say, I can 100% identify, and I am here, if you feel like you need someone to talk to about any of this. Seriously, even if you just want to vent, or want to commiserate, or anything, shoot me a msg on discord. Sending you big hugs. 💔
This is a sad situation, and I feel for you - and your dad! I had gone through such myself, and it is never easy.
Time will heal those wounds, eventually. I just hope a sensible solution will present itself.
I take from your post that what tears you apart is the sacrifice you made for them, and now it is all for nothing, since in all that bitterness toward one another the financial aspects will suffer. If they would realize what suffering this is causing you, then maybe they come to their senses. While you are not an infant anymore, but somehow I think the judgement of Solomon might be a parable your parents should consider.