Human madness

Since I got back, I've been feeling increasingly miserable.

At first, it was a joy because having been stuck in a public hospital in the East and thinking I would not make my flight due to debilitating back muscle spasm, I made it. Hallelujah once again sunny days, literally and mentally.

But lately feeling down, exhausted. depleted.

Yet when I see others and women too who want to hear about my pregnancy journey and are also on it, or we're in it, I feel supported.

I feel good when I meet people in the business community whom I have know for many years and significantly helped . Then I feel part of something.

But I sit in my flat in front of the screen, and I'm meant to be doing something for my accountant, or finishing a presentation I don't want to work on.

And good things are happening. Someone is flying out to negotiate for me to get a job. People want to meet me and can help me.

Yet I'm not happy.

There's overwhelm.

The moment there is to much to do, I begin to fail to see how things are.

Instead, I see a reality and my ability to map onto that many reflections of potential reality overwhelms me.

Reflecting my emotions, my mind is over agitated and maintains that by constantly generating ideas. It can get to the point that from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep I am living in a quasi reality, thick overlays of hopes and dreams and fears.

And because I'm tired and feel weak, my mind can play tricks on, convincing me that negative interpretations of reality are truth.

Today, for example, has been unproductive, guilt inducing anxiety provoking and unsatisfying.

Prior to the implantation process I'm sorting out taxes.

Actually there's not much to do. But I didn't realize I had to submit receipts for freelance work within two months.

This matter is not fun for me. In fact, it is my worst nightmare, the reason I avoided dealing with tax stuff in in the past. I have a profound fear of bureaucratic institutions and paperwork, especially paperwork for or from bureaucratic institutions.

Shame, deep shame at my own incompetence less me to avoid accountants for years and so avoid the possibility of confrontation to reality.

But the avoidant behavior I indulged in for so long has a long term negative impact on me
I suffered more, continued and increasingly agrieved imagined scenarios of confrontation. In my head I've been hauled in front if interrogating authorities, had husbands divorce me when they found out and so on.

And this, when I think if how down I am feeling is the reason why.

Imagined scenarios I invested in over and over again.

A madness. But so human.