How to hack self-doubt
I was initiated into the Prophet some 12 years ago by an elite soldier stoner boyfriend with a fascinating mind, not University educated but far more educated than me in lifep, Kabalah, philosophy and history as well as the desert.
He broke me and pried me open.
But he's another story that I'll only tell more fully once more years pass.
Behold, some lines.
"And you got away, didn't you babe,
You just turned your back on the crowd
You got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you
I need you, I don't need you
And all of that jiving around
I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best
I can't keep track of each fallen robin
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
That's all, I don't even think of you that often"
The song is about Janice Joplin. He was talking about how she wasn't seeking approval.
Here's what she didn't do
I need you
I don't need you.
Yeah, all that jiving around.
Coy actors exiting the stage when they're aiming for an encore.
Batting ones eyelids, looking away, then glancing back.
Games.
Janice Joplin was authentic. She didn't fuck with you. Didn't play. She gave what she had. Belted it out.
Take it. Take a another little piece of my heart, baby.
"I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best
I can't keep track ....
I remember you well ...
...I don't even think of you that often."
That's who we love the best, isn't it? Those who have the courage to be who they are. We can't even admit it to ourselves.
Is anyone out there reading? Would you love me more if I didn't hide, anonymously? Tell me.
Imagine if I managed to write like I try to. Without apologies. Without seduction. Say what there is. Singing, not jiving. And reveal my true identity.
I could identity myself. I actually really want to.
But I'm not that brave. Maybe it'd because I'm still trying to fit my life- my relationships, my work persona- to work for me. But it feels like there's a basic authenticity in my life that is missing. It might well just be loneliness.
But if I am to reveal, I need to loosen some chains. Chains that accompany every domain in my life.
The chains are a voice that's always asking anxiously: "am I okay?".
"Is what I did okay..or not okay?"
"Will.she be angry with me?"
Stupid damn voice, double guessing the self.
Girls and boys, dint practice this voice at home. It will reduce you to crippling self doubt. You'll become.gradually unhappier, because how can you pay attention to what makes you happy when so much attention goes to making other people happy...in your head.
That's the grand joke of it all.
You lose touch with the central firey energy that connects your self to happiness in life. In your head, you made thaf deal to make others happy. But one, you don't know if you made them happy. Two, even if you made them happy, who is to say that is the right thing to do? Three, you start to believe that you have to take others happy before you are happy yourself.
But seduction is stronger than happiness. It has to be. How else would seduction be effective if it's not more captivating than the consummation that it draws us into? Seduction is the original and natural essence of marketing.
Seduction is playing the game. I need you. I don't need you. Seduction is a jive.
There was an interesting psychological experiment some years ago.
Three cages.
One cage the rat had a good life.
Second cage, rat was consistently punished in some way ( :-( ).
Third cage, rat was inconsistently and randomly punished.
The rat in the third cage was most traumatised.
It's the not knowing where we stand that harms us.
Am I okay? Am I not okay?
Sometimes it helps me to repeat to myself - all is well. If I do that, then the worries of this voice are meaningless. What do you mean, am I okay or not okay? All is well.
But if I want radical self expression, saying all is well doesn't cut it. Radical self expression sits on radical self acceptance.
It's not all is well.
It is, I am well.
And then expressing.
And after you become the conduit of whatever is speaking through you, that's when you can stop assessing if you are well, he is well she is well..
Just belt it out and sing your song.
No apologies.
They will remember you well.
But, you don't care.
No jiving.
END
I write as often as I can, so forgive any typos and errors, I'll edit later
I really appreciate if you appreciate and let me know.