Who would I be if I did not _____?

For years and years I have taught myself to fit in by pleasing others.

Seeking their good opinion of me. Seeking their admiration from being good.

( I'm not in the game for being good through obedience).

I've been the playing the game of being successful.
I hope to make a good impression.
I hope I have many talents and it is important to me that these are recognised.

At the same time, I have a self hate story running.

( I hate myself for having these insecurities (which is a little ironic since self hate doesn't make me more self confident...I privately belittle the people whose approval I seek. Those who admire and appreciate me whose opinion I wasn't seeking, I devalue the worth of their opinion).

So overall I both seek and am repulsed by the attention I seek.

Still I try to ground myself by staying conscious of my thoughts. It helps to see my own illusions.

When I do this, I catch my mind chatter.

Often, it is arguing over some future scenario I am create in my own head.

Then what helps is this...I ask myself...what emotion am i creating?

For example, my mind chatter might be imagining an conflict with a family member, for example X. I realise the fantasy is generating a feeling of blame. This is the purpose of the illusion.

So then I say something like...who would I be if I wasn't blaming X?

The answer that calms back is always a feeling. It's a sense of feeling calmer, safer and more at peace.

This is the real me. Or at least, closer to it.