---- Copes Thoughts on Radical Honesty ----
Radical Honesty
There were many topics covered when @clayboyn and I spoke on his Coffee and Philosophy Show on MSP Waves earlier this week, but one which I wanted to delve further into, but we ran a little short on time, was Radical Honesty.
Radical Honesty is in interactive method which was developed by Dr. Brad Blanton. Radical Honesty is a technique and self-improvement program which indicates that lying is the primary source of modern human stress. The solution to this stress is to speak bluntly and directly on all subjects, including those which may be considered taboo, awkward, painful, Etc. it is suggested that this form of interaction creates increases happiness by creating an intimacy not possible while not being congruent with the self. However, utilizing the techniques of stating feelings bluntly and directly can typically be considered being rude or impolite.
When delving into Radical Honesty we find labels such as pseudoscience and pseudospirituality attached and while there are areas which weave their way between the two, there is some considerable understanding which can be gained by observing its writings, concepts, practice and application in the real world.
“Fake Façades” and “Mask Wearing” are fundamental understandings of Radical Honesty. The person we present in varying relationships within our lives can sometimes not be in line with our autonomous sleves. This can be for varying reasons such as being in a professional environment, not wanting to hurt others feelings, social norms, etc. These pressures force us to conform and wear these “personas” which can be detrimental to our concept of self and create an unhappiness within.
Radical Honesty asks us to practice the ability to differentiate between our own subjective thoughts and the objective reality and be honest and brave enough to confront the inconsistencies between the two so as to bring them closer to alignment. Through these efforts of being as honest as possible we foster better connections with people and create a relationship which is based on the closest representation of the true self as possible.
There are some good fundamental ideas which make themselves known when observing Radical Honesty, and the basis of what is being defined an awareness of the subjective self which we then attempt to apply to our objective environment to achieve a desired result. Reducing the cognitive dissonance, improving congruence, reducing stress and creating more positive intimate relationships, simple right?
This is where the concept of Radical Honesty, like many other concepts, meets its match… when we add the human condition. Radical Honesty is a tool which can be used to construct and create or can be wielded as a weapon to hurt and destroy, It really just comes down to how the person uses the tool.
Lets look at an example, one of the many quotes when observing the debate of Radical Honesty. “You can tell grandma you don’t like her cookies, its just hurtful”. But is it? Well that would depend on what and how we choose to interact with the situation. We will present a dual discourse for one scenario.
Scenario:
As a kid we liked raisin cookies, they were our favorite. Every time we visit grandma she cooks them. But now we are older and we don’t like raisin cookies anymore. However, grandma still makes them for us every time we see her.
Interaction one:
“Grandma!!! I hate these cookies!!! Why do you keep making them?!?!? They are so dry and crumbly!!! They are crap, I wouldn’t even feed them to birds!!! Im just gonna throw them out when I get home anyway!!! STOP IT”
Interaction two:
“Hey Grandma, I just wanted to talk to you about the raisin cookies you make every time we see each other, I used to love them as a kid but I stopped liking them as I have grown older. I really appreciate the effort you make to bake them, but it’s just not something I eat anymore.”
There is a clear distinction between the two examples given and this is by design to highlight that there are various means of communicating the same message, that it is up to us as to how we deliver that message. And here in lies the problem… the subjectivity of the matter.
There are many who see the concept of Radical Honesty as a license to be deliberately mean, aggressive and dominant in their interactions with other people and then fall back to the safety of the title of using the sciences of Radical Honesty as their escape vessel from the responsibility of one’s own behaviors.
The purpose of Radical Honesty is to achieve a greater sense of authenticity and congruence of the self, to great greater bonds with those we interact with via honesty, to be more autonomous and reduce stress by not having to keep up appearances or tell “white lies” (or bigger ones) to get by in our day to day lives.
In our first interaction for the example scenario we would crush grandma with our words, we are being cruel, insulting and heartless in our expression of our dislike for the cookies. This would most likely result in adverse effects from the interaction between us. In our second interaction scenario we express our thoughts explain ourselves honestly and openly, while the information may not be pleasant we have done our best to respect the other person we are speaking to. This second interaction has a higher likelihood to succeed in achieving the desired results than the first interaction.
As previously stated Radical Honesty is simply a tool, and it really depends on how we choose to use it in our lives as to how it will impact our relationships. If we choose to embrace the elements which can help us grow and bond with our environment and those around us while still having consideration for others as human beings then it can have some positive effects on our relationships. However, if we choose to wield Radical Honesty as a weapon against those around us and the environment, if we use it as a crutch or platform to be hurtful and spiteful, then we are only causing more damage to those relationships we seek to improve.
Ultimately how we apply these principals is completely up to us, to some level we choose and create what we interact with and how. To be honest there are many more principals to Radical Honesty than what is described within this text. However , this is where much of the conflict and lack of understanding of those principals and their application begins. This is merely the tip of the iceberg when researching Radical Honesty and it is highly recommended to take a complete look at the theory and how it can apply to the individual personally before attempting to apply it in ones own life. Below is a interview with Dr. Brad Blanton and Taber Shadburne as they discuss some of the concepts of Radical Honesty.
Great article.
Very well said... be honest always, but then pay more attention to the 'tactfulness' of said honesty... Grandma is far more likely to be receptive to Interaction 2, and hopefully less hurt, if at all.. :)
thanks darcturian, yes grandma would probably be respectful of your honesty and change her behavior making things better if interaction 2 was utilized AND if you played the cards right you could probably find another cookie you prefer to be made or something else. interaction 1 may "feel better" letting those kinds emotions out, but long term would be far more detrimental to the situation and relationship, in turn creating greater conflict and INCREASING stress etc.
As i said there are those that see Radical Honesty as a means of being a jerk to people and hide behind the label of using a "scientific method" and practice to better interact with people. Unfortunately what we find is that the human condition makes us look at many things with considerable bias, we take the bits we like from the concept, like telling people off and how you feel, and we leave the bits we dont wanna deal with, using the truth to build a better relationship or any of the other principals that "are hard". The Human Condition corrupting perfectly good systems and theories since... always, lolz.
It's amazing how many hangups I run into when I tell people to just be honest in difficult situations. It's clear that this is an overall society/species problem, but it's amazing how much people suffer repressing themselves all based on the assumption that others can't handle honesty or they are afraid of the consequences of honesty.
We have been conditioned since birth to be this way due to social norms. It is a hard habit to break or even recognize within ourselves. changing a habit that ingrained in our psyche is extremely difficult for these very reasons. It can feel like going against everything you know and have been taught..... because it is, this can be the most challenging part for some. It can be too much to bare to "do wrong" by societal norms, almost everyone tried to get you to move back to a point of conformity. It is a self correcting system (by design) that is a heavy contributing factor which drives us to be this way. But we are all different and adapt to these things in our own way if at all...
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This is a practice I have been working on in my own life for about a year now and its amazing—and simultaneously disheartening—to realize how truly challenging it is to simply be honest. We're so conditioned to continually digest and feed out bullshit, that to break that mold triggers a fundamental change in what has become the "natural order of interaction."
But, one thing I will say about the process is that it has been incredibly liberating. The more natural it becomes for me to be tactfully and respectfully honest in my dealings with the world the healthier and happier I feel. It's going to take a long time to master, but I've found it to be a discipline that is absolutely deserving of my time and efforts.
sounds like you are applying the principlas more along the lines of the intention of the process. That is for gaining a more autonomous, congruent and authentic self and gaining better connection with those around you in the relationships you hold dear. good to hear its working well for you :) so many just use it as a platform for being hurtful and spiteful it can be pretty horrendous to watch it play out sometimes.
very wordy!