Note To Self #2
It's been a few days, yet my annual assessment continues.
The simple fact that I was born has never felt like reason enough to celebrate.
What matters more to me is how much I have or haven't grown during the preceding 12 months – whether or not I've integrated past lessons – how well I've replaced unhealthy, unconscious habits with meaningful, intentional choices.
Reflecting on my personal evolution in this way is often uncomfortable, yet it's my nature to care enough to endure it. I'll admit; it's becoming harder with each passing year – as though I'm running out of time – wearing thin on second chances – ever so slowly losing hope that I'll ever 'get it right'
Skewed Sense Of Self
Trouble is, I'm painfully aware of my own pitfalls. I'll be the first to point out my weaknesses and I'm so quick to blame myself when things go awry.
Learning to acknowledge the good in myself has proven to be my most challenging pursuit. It's infinitely harder to recognize my strengths.
I can't say what happened to slant my self-awareness so heavily towards the negative. Nor can I pinpoint when that imbalance began to develop. Yet I look at images like the one above and see evidence that it wasn't always this way.
This has been one of my favorite photos for as long as I can remember. I see such pure, radiant joy – such uncomplicated happiness – a complete lack of self-consciousness.
How I long for that experience now.
Precious Mementos
Perhaps this is why I so cherish these images.
They're grainy records of me, long before I really knew what 'me' meant – before I'd begun crafting storylines of worth and identity – before weighty ideas such as 'expectation' and 'obligation' and 'shame' began to needle their insidious way into my psyche.
They are invaluable reminders of my inherent nature.
Looking upon the glowing face of this exuberant baby – like a perfect little kewpie doll – I feel a stirring of recognition.
It's as though I can make out the faintest echo, pressed into the fibers of this worn-out photograph.
If I listen deep...I can almost hear myself giggling...
Sharing these words and images with all of you is somehow healing for my world-weary heart. xo, zippy
I understand the "wearing thin on second chances." It feels as if time has sped up since I have gotten older. Wish I could give you the gift of slowing time down.
Wait! I may be able to help with that!
One year Scott and I found that time seemed to slow down for us. It was 2016 and we did so much travel that year. Because of all these new adventures, visiting new places, and learning new things we both felt like children during the last weeks before Christmas break; it was taking forever! We started looking at the science of it. Apparently, we were creating so many new neuro pathways in our brains that we were experiencing what children do as they grow and learn. It causes them, and us that year, to feel as if time had slowed down.
So, here is your birthday gift of slowing down time. Stay busy, but not with just everyday life. Do things everyday that are new to you. Try going places that you have never been before. Experience activities where you have to learn something new. Most importantly, meet new people as much as you can. Do these things and the memories will be so full of new things that your brain will be young again
Happy birthday.
Ren
When I was perhaps 13 or so, my dad told me something that really didn't make too much sense to me then. Yet, as I've gotten older, every single year I understand it more.
He told me that, as we age, our perception of time 'shrinks' – each year feeling short than the one before it – simply because of the shifting balance between our lived experience and the unknown that lays ahead. I'm sure those weren't his words, but I'm trying to paraphrase.
In his explanation, it really was about simple math; when you're just one year old, a year represents the entirety of your life experience – when you're 10, it's reduced to 1/10th – then even less, to 1/25th by your 25th birthday....and just a tiny fraction – a fiftieth – by the time you reach 50.
Time, itself, remains the same – in measurement and passage; it's only our perception that quickens.
Following that, your experience of 2016 would understandably have been elongated – stretched by the newness of your surroundings and experiences.
I love how beautifully your story fits into my Papa's theory. <3 Thank you for sharing!
I've actually done sooo much traveling and know how magical it can be when it comes to retaining one's youth. I'm now in a place of slowing – allowing myself to root down in ways I never really had before. Though it may mean delving deeper into my own earthen humanity – I think it's a good place for me to be. xo!
Oh, I love how wisdome is universal.
Wow Zippy. Pretty sure I love you after reading this. Just exposing your own self doubt like that is a gigantic leap toward 'getting it right', but please keep one thing at the front of your mind - what's right for you is because you are you, and the only one there is. Absorb that and I hope you'll start feeling more comfy in your own skin. Cute freckles and all.
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Thank you, my dear Engine. It's not that hard to do; exposing my self-doubt. I've always worn my heart and wounds on my sleeve, believing we're all far more alike than we are different – that...just maybe – if I bare my soul...it may help someone else feel ever so slightly less alone. <3
well this is the key isn't it.. to get in touch with who we are in our hearts, to let go of all the pain and conditioning and crap thats been forced down our throat when no one else was around to say, no, you don't need to eat that. you can choose. I think I was well into my thirties before I consciously understood that I had that choice, that I didn't have to fight anyone to get that right. and now it's a struggle to remember - who I am.
wonderfully written piece, that view thru anothers eyes of self.
It is, most certainly, at least one of the keys. I know you yourself understand the struggle of being hyper-sensitive – overly aware. It takes a herculean effort to find and hold steady to one's own voice amidst all the chaotic stimuli that presses in from the outside. It's easy to feel lost beneath it all. I'm just trying to hang on to those parts of me that feel so distant – to somehow amplify my truth in my own head...where I've had the hardest time hearing it. • Thank you for reading, my dear. <3
anytime love. i understand.
I like to think we're constantly in a state of dying and being reborn. Who I am now isn't who I was four hours ago or a week ago or ten years ago. Letting go of "what was" and embracing "what is" and being in the moment is one of those things that I feel like we both have to work towards and also have to do nothing at all. It all is just what it is and my acceptance of that and the moments where I'm not trying to do anything or make anything happen and I'm embracing the whole experience of being are the moments of pure joy that I find. Much love to you Zippy.
It's true – we are dead and reborn – over and over and over again – each moment made anew. And yet, we carry with us some unshakable residue of every iteration that came before. It's learning how to incorporate those threads – to honor their presence in ways that are productive, rather than becoming ensnared by and caught up in them. It's a lifelong endeavor. • Big ole, John Coffee sized hugs to you, dear Clayboyn. <3
I tried the whole sitting on a swing naked but was arrested soon after! I suppose the park wasn’t the best spot to do it in ! 😱😱😱
Well...yes – time's have changed. Nekkid toddlers never used to be an issue. ;)
I love the pure JOY of the bottom photo!!!
Thanks, Bluefy – me, too! :)
💛 Precious! 😊
hugs, KittyGirl! :)
I have to afterword @enginewitty. " I'm pretty sure I love you" especially now that I've seen you naked. 😂!!!
Go ahead, do more than giggle, break out in all out laughter. It's a beautiful day to be alive.
It's true – beautiful day, indeed. ;)
Yuo have a way with words, a manner of expressing your thoughts that pulls me into your head, and makes me remember things about myself as I feel a strong sense of familiarity when reading your posts, @zipporah. Maybe we all have that secret wish to remember what it was like before we became aware of our place and responsibilities in the world; I know how true your closing sentence is. When seeing pictures of myself as a young child and trying very hard to remember what it was like for that young version of myself, sometimes I get that fleeting feeling of recognition, fragments of sounds, smells and even emotions come back for the briefest of moments, but never will they be captured forgood, gone before you know it.
These are all adorable pictures and the way you describe your efforts to keep track of, and look back upon your personal growth, suit them perfectly. Thanks for sharing these posts, dear friend; I can almost hear us giggle together 💖 😍
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