Yes, They're Probably Talking Behind Your Back.
It's easy to become obsessed with how others view our life
Ideally, a person shouldn't care what others think about them. Their self-esteem should be entirely dependent upon how they view themselves and how they hold themselves accountable to their own moral code.
But because we have people in our lives who we care about, it can cause us to care about how others see us. A certain degree of seeking approval makes sense in this regard, as we're not completely insulated creatures living independently of all other humans. The problem comes when we begin to obsess over how others view us, as we worry whether people are gossiping or talking about us in a negative light.
And honestly, the likelihood that someone in your life is talking behind your back is pretty high. Insecurities are about as common as opinions, as it's no wonder the former influences the latter. Inevitably, someone will feel the need to discuss your life in a negative light.
They might be discussing how you could be doing things smarter or better in one way or another. How you should be making more money, how you're not taking care of one thing or another. That you're a failure, a disappointment. That you're not living up to your potential and it's a shame you aren't further along in your career.
For years, I've obsessed over the possibility that others in my life were talking behind my back
My upbringing didn't develop my self-esteem or leave me with a solid foundation from which to stand on. In truth, my family life did quite the opposite, making me constantly question everything about my own identity and who I was 'supposed' to be. It led to constant paranoia and anxiety about how others viewed me, which often acted as a self-fulfilling prophecy, as my insecurity led to people placing judgment upon me.
It wouldn't be until many years later that I would come to understand how this was a reflection of how I was viewing myself. To a large degree, my worries perpetuated my reality, creating a vicious circle that became a challenge to exit from. It's taken years of stepping outside of my thought patterns and engaging in activities that shake things up and allow me to shift my personal paradigm and develop more self-worth and confidence.
Admittedly, I still struggle with this fact about myself on a daily basis. My own personal itty-bitty-shitty-committee is consistently attempting to tear me down, utilizing any insecurity or self-doubt to tear a gaping hole in my personal reality. One of the easiest ways the committee does this is floating the idea that people in my life view me in a negative light and are constantly talking shit about me.
In my days as a mental health counselor, I helped facilitate groups on the topic of cognitive distortions
These are the ways in which our mind distorts our reality, usually to paint things with a self-loathing brush. A common distortion is the concept of 'mindreading', which means you believe you know what others are thinking and saying about you. Because you're just so damn smart and intuitive, you're sure others are saying things behind your back to demean your character or to judge your overall existence.
In these groups, we would often try to change a person's thought process by explaining that this was a distortion of their mind and that the chances of this actually occurring were much lower than what they believed. And if it was occurring, it wasn't happening as frequently or in the way that they believed.
While there is some truth to this method, I've come to the realization that it was an inadequate way to address the problem. The reason being: you can never fully disprove whether someone is talking badly about you behind your back simply because you aren't present to witness it. As a result, your mind will find a way to convince you that they are talking about you and that you should, therefore, feel like the failure they hypothetically believe you to be.
They're talking trash about you. So what!
This may seem like a simple realization, something that's widely available and been spoken about at length by many other people from many different sources. But often, we must come to terms with this fact ourselves on our own terms if we're to actually internalize it.
Recently, I've begun to respond to my doubting mind's ideas of persistent shit-talking by others with a simple response: yep, they're talking shit. And it doesn't matter.
Instead of getting caught in the neverending internal debate of whether people are or aren't talking trash behind my back, I've decided to end the debate by acknowledging they are and that I don't care. I've found this response to carry a much larger amount of weight, simply because I remove myself from the pointless dispute and relieve myself to move on with my day.
Because let's face it: people talk shit about other people all the time. Even people they love and are close to. You know it's true because you probably do the same to some extent. Though you strive to not be the constant shit-talker, we all have moments where we give in to gossip and let our lower selves run rampant.
What matters most is that you stop allowing this fact of life to affect how you feel about yourself. And at the end of the day, the only shit-talking that counts is when we're saying it to ourselves.
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A good rule of thumb I've found in life is if someone talks about another person behind their back to you then you can better believe that same person is talking about you behind your back to others. You are right on the money when you say it doesn't matter, most often it's more about their own passive-aggressive nature than it is the person they're talking about. Great post.
Exactly. Pattern recognition is a useful tool in realizing how often people are probably talking about you behind your back.
Ultimately, it's a reflection of their character and not your own. I'm still learning how to release myself from the need to be seen positively in everyone's eyes, but I remind myself that what matters more is to view myself positively and to stop putting energy into the things I can't control.
Like anything, it's a process, but I've found this realization to be helpful in shifting my perspective on the matter.
I was recently evicted from a group of friends just like in elementary school - suddenly no one is talking to me - it's amazing! Fortunately I have evolved to a point in my life where I am ready to take on the challenge and not try to fix it like I usually do. I did a sigil and now I am just praying to move past it. It seems the deal was that there was an underlying competition in the group and I got in a relationship first - suddenly the cool kid I was friends with for the last 12 years is no longer my friend and other friends are choosing him over me - WHATEVER - I am devasted and fearful right now, but I want to be done with people like this so I am rising to the challenge. I grew up like you and it's been a struggle just to get to some sense of normalcy.
"Ideally, a person shouldn't care what others think about them."
Colin, as members of a society with established social 'rules' upon which to guide our behavior, I sincerely and respectfully disagree with the first line of your post.
As we learn to socialize ourselves in the early years, our positive behavioral patterns are reinforced and negative behavioral patterns are punished; thus we learn to live as functional members of society.
Most of us, myself included, certainly take the thoughts of others (regarding us) WAY too far, perhaps even to the point of anxiety or paranoia; but as we continually learn to be highly functional members of society, the input from other members of that society does, potentially, offer us utilitarian insight into how our behavior is received by others.
Occasionally the shit-talking IS warranted (think the drunk guy at a party, the dude who's rude and doesn't know it, the fella who forgets he has a turn signal at his disposal)...
Great article as always, and you may wish to edit your 'psychology' tag which is misspelled.
Have a great week Colin!
Thanks for the alternative perspective on this topic.
I would agree that living in a society, we shouldn't completely neglect the opinion or advice of others. We are a social species and to totally disregard the views of others can have serious consequences. Indeed, constructive criticism certainly has its place, and sometimes we need to be reminded of our faults in order to improve.
I suppose I'm referring to the frivolous, superficial, unhelpful kind of backtalk and specifically our paranoia that such talk is occurring. As with anything, balance is essential.
A great post @colinhoward, and a subject I have contemplated often. It's the embodiment of the workplace lunchroom talk :)
Every advancement, or step forward that i have taken has come from disregarding the "what will others think" mentality.
I was brought up with the, what will the neighbours think conditioning, and it took some hard lessons to break out of.
Guilty as charged haha, but I do catch myself out when committing this crime more and more often now.
People are going to think what they are going to think regardless of your own true intentions, so best to just be true to yourself.
What I've learned though, is that what other people say about you, reveals more about themselves, than about you.
I am not who you think I am. You, are who you think I am.
Peace.
Bingo! It can be hard to resist the urge to internalize the thoughts and opinions of others, but when it's unwarranted or irrational feedback that will not help further our personal progress, it's best to ignore it and go about our life without giving it energy.
Another gem there @colinhoward. Being in conscious control of where your energy goes is paramount to a happy life.
Attention is our true currency as sentient co-creators. I am very attentive as to where i spend mine :)
Peace.
@colinhoward seriously I had been into this situation , when I was constantly thinking about others comment in my life , very nice article that will help people a lot
It's a very common situation to fall into but isn't impossible to get out of. Thanks for your kind words.
we need more people like you on steemit who write this kind of article for our mental growth