How Having Children Affects My Tolerance for Intimacy
Maybe I should start this by sharing that my nickname from babyhood was "Shawna No." The reason for this is I did not like to be held, hugged or touched. I weaned myself early. And anytime people tried to tickle me or play in any way that involved contact, I've been told I shouted, "No!"
Image Credit
But I don't remember that. What I recall is never getting enough of snuggling on my mom's lap or being bundled in blankets. I'm still that way, preferring to be warm and cozy to any other option, except when it comes to touching other people. And this can be hard on my marriage, for reasons you may rightfully induce, when I tell you that I cannot stand to give or receive touch if I have had my kids home with me all day.
Two of my three kids are major cuddlers. I've heard this is because both fall under the sign of Cancer. While I'm not sure what difference that makes, they are definitely alike in their need for near-constant contact in order to feel loved and appreciated. Which means I am often all loved out by the time my partner walks through the door in the evenings. I've tried many ways to hold space from him in my mind as if that will stop my body from being overwhelmed by our children. The fact is, in 12 years I haven't been able to get a foothold on increasing my tolerance for touch. And if my babyhood nickname is to be believed, this may be an aspect of autism for me just as much as from the various physical and sexual traumas I've experienced throughout my life.
Image Credit
Honestly, this is not embarrassing so much as frustrating. I want to be an equal partner in intimacy. I want my partner to feel deeply loved and appreciated, to know he is attractive and appealing, but we are lucky if I can make eye contact in the evenings. Parenting saps me of more than my will to touch or be touched; it destroys my ability.
What I mean by that is trying to force the issue, even very slowly and gently, results in panic attacks or flashbacks or other deeply unpleasant experiences no one wants associated with love. I can't even see them coming half the time. The panic will just slam me so I seize up and close off and sob uncontrollably. Medicine. Therapy. Exercise. Writing. None of it can erase my body's memories, and my body remembers more than my mind does.
The first week of Spring Break has just come to a close. This means I have had cuddly kiddos on me non-stop for a week. And they will continue to be on me for another week. I am holding my breath, just looking for that break. Next weekend, my partner and I get to slip away. I can be untouched for a day and hopefully touched for another. Yes, please.
In the meantime, he and I are showing love by recognizing a safe boundary. We have been together for 20 years now. Since we were 16. We've learned patience means happiness; that "no" is not the same as rejection.
What boundaries do you struggle with and why?
Recent Posts
- How I Fight My Nurtured Instinct to Abuse My Children (shareinspireconquer)
- A throwback from the angsty teen archives (poetry)
- Stepping into My Feminine Power (feminism)
- Stone Logic (poetry)
- New Contest Announcement! Win SBD (contest)
- Call Me, Maybe? (psychology)
- Anxious All Over (psychology)
- The goals and the family we make (motivation)
- Getting crafty with my kidlet (parenting)
- And the Last Best Comment Award Winner Is . . . (contest)
- SPU Poetry Contest #3: Mother Love (poetsunited)
Animated Banner Created By @zord189
Best wishes for this strong woman!
Thank you so much!
This is so good. I’m not touchy, every time I see my brother he sticks his hand out shakes my hand jokingly because he knows that I don’t like to hug. But we do anyway now.
Until you have kids you have no Idea what kind of toll it will take on you l and it will take some toll. We don’t realize that as they get bigger they actually get more demanding and more needy.
Mine are 25, 16 and 13. My husband and I are lucky we like each other and he’s funny to me still. Sex is less frequent this past year at twice a month is our “worst” year ever. Im TIRED but sex at night winds me up and chills him out. I am always way more into it if I feel loved and appreciated.
You deserve that as well as your husband. Just feeling loved helps me and while I know he loves me sometimes I want to be like when we first dated and feel butterflies. Once in a while it happens.
I love my children. But being a parent isn’t easy. You try to guide them, I’ve tried to give them more than I ever had. They are much less independent than I was. But I always wanted them to feel loved and not feel like I didn’t care. My mom wouldn’t cough up money for my yearbook or clothes or tampons I worked full-time from 15.
Being self employed we need more help than ever and sometimes it’s easier to do it ourselves. Rather ask them 20 times and the phone rings- distraction I forgot only to find 2 hours later isn’t done.
I take a deeeeeep breath. I smile it will be ok. Life is good everyone is healthy. At the end of the day, parenting takes over your life, it will get easier. We now get a periodic Friday where both kids go to a friends for the night wheeeeeee!
Sorry bout that long rambling, nice to meet you, I’m Melissa :)
I am SO very glad to meet you, Melissa. I love this ramble. From it I can tell we have a lot in comment. I also worked from an early age (12) to buy clothes and necessaries. We were in poverty, but my parents also wanted us to value what we had. Now, I see how my children have everything provided (meanwhile I'm typing my fingers to the bone) and I wonder what my parents had right.
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with contact. I knew it couldn't be just me. I'm glad now that I wrote about this. On my way over to visit your blog.
Thank you! Your post resonated with me a lot. One thing I'm learning is, growing up that way and making sure they know "money doesn't grow on trees" has made my oldest daughter fearful of money because I've always been afraid of it. When you don't have it, you don't know how to get it, even though we all dream of being rich! I'm trying to change my attitude so they can see it. I don't want them to be afraid, I want them to attract $$ not push it away because they are too used to working too hard for it. Does that even make sense??
Although I would want to reply your question with an honest answer I can't do it right now :-) Because I didn't feel I was therefore able to give you a 'deserving' reply for your honest post I almost clicked away from your page. Wow, weird.
Then I started writing and realized how we all tend to assume what a person needs and if we can't give it to them pull back completely, instead of sharing and finding that thing you actually can do, say, touch, accept...
I am happy to hear you recognize each others boundaries and are able to create those safe places we all need. I'm wishing you a lovely weekend - with or without the so-needed but so-loaded touching <3