Daylight Robbery
What is it when one hears oneself ask, please let this end? No, let’s be frank, it is more like putting in a request to die. Death as positive choice. An absolute no-no. We all know. Yet, some of us don’t care and take the leap – but off what ledge? Into which crater? And is it ever a leap of faith?
No.1 priority on today’s to-do list.
I am not going to debate suicide or when it is ever permissible to endorse ending one’s life willfully. I am not about to examine when is it killing oneself unlawfully or otherwise a merciful assisted suicide. I am putting under the microscope the very prompt to the thought that chooses death as the thing to do. It's a very small pin prick that causes one to wake up like that. It takes but a single lethal drop of this thought, to bring to a staggering halt the impetus to enjoy life and believe in one's strength to carry all and carry on till it is God's will to call it a day. It even feels like God has given you this lethal injection Himself!? Yikes. But that is what constant oppression, futile action, impotence in general, slavery to some inane and cruel System (another I invented for their own sake) does to you.
Robbed
It is never the loneliness that is the killer. Isolation can create victims. Solitude can make for the setting of unbearable suffering, but it must not be confused with a suicidal mood. One person’s blissful serenity and endless time for misty musings and slow-motion Tai-chi sessions before counting grains of sand is another person’s incarceration within the skull-hall of horror mirrors.
The killer, I think, is theft. Usually only known as loss. Caused by a lack of respect.
As much as one is robbed of one’s freedom, one’s life loses its value incrementally.
It does your head in and crushes your morale and finally depletes your will to live. The guage wobbles a long while around the red letter E for empty, until it clunks to a dead drop below the mark. Nothing left. Self-worth fallen to zero. What’s worth living for without a self to live it?
The freedom to be the I that I am needs respect.
Return to me as I give to you. Review all I’ve done for you and find me worthy. Restore me after all my efforts. Regard me in high esteem. Respond in kind; RESPOND! REPLY! RELATE! Hit me! Smack me! Bite me! Acknowledge my presence, or I will cease to exist, already now, here alive, but unrewarded, unrecognised, unredeemed. No, don't hurt me. Of course not. I am not a sado-masochist but an esthete. Love me.
The specs
Re-Spect has to do with looking back and including on your vision for the future. Spectacle, spectacles, spectator, spectrum. Rewind, reconsider, remember, record, report.
In prison, I think I would not fear for my life; but use what is left of it to recover my freedom. The space to breathe as I want to breathe. Malodorous halitosis in ya face. The freedom to rant and rave and feed my canary in a cage. The freedom to paste my Piranesi nightmares on my walls and scare you awake.
I make it my living mission to die useful.
Sometimes it feels like you could do more dead than alive. As if a change of location might be helpful. You know, in view of all that angels do for us. Only being dead is not being an angel, I well realise; then again what have angels done for you lately? Hence, my thoughts go out to the dead: might they do better. I promise I will try.
More imaginary prisons, like at top, by Piranesi here
great thoughts - they do bring up memories of sad times..... I love Piranesi's work - thanks for the reminder.
Thoughts of suicide and death perhaps being the blessing that will bring those around us to some kind of realization or peace have crossed my path before too. There have been points for me when I've thought it the inevitability that awaits me, some end I'll have to battle as long as I'm in this incarnation, but I have kept myself afloat thinking of the soul contracts I must have made with my children. I have four and two that still live with me. I'm not sure how I would be feeling in your situation and when I find myself in that ending that is a beginning, which will be coming sooner than later, I have no idea what I will pursue?
Godspeed to you in this clawing around for meaning.
Ironically, we had our little dog, a male named Angel euthanized this past week. He was fourteen and suffering, but so hard to let him go as it seemed the ending of an era. My youngest was only two when he came into our lives and he truly was a member of our family. Just a story about Angel's dying.
Dead angel: now there is a combo to consider inviting into one's life.... what new fate awaits such a being?
Very sorry for your loss. I instantly felt the empty hole the anchoring poppett left. The photo that was in the fixative for 14 years. What then is left? As if there is a life-eating moth that can cut the good bits out to fly off with them and .... then what? There is no good metaphor, he cannot be likened nor can a function be attached: the depth of meaning to all that ever is and then is not is becoming mind boggling. Stars that once were, reminding us of themselves when the are already long gone, the lingering of what was has a presence of its own making. Then on top of that comes our story-making.
I am constantly, daily, all day long looking for that contract. I need to go over the fine print.
Thank you for condolences. Yes, quite a hole and loss of anchoring.
Me too, on the contract. Perhaps I ought to get more involved in finding and going over the fine print rather than just blindly trusting I must have signed up for all of this? Maybe I've just been learning and learning, knowledge is power, while constantly circling ignorance is bliss?
Very profound final thought, that makes for a most elegant window on a far-reaching landscape... Shall be surveying this at length.
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You are really great at what you do. I love the way you combine these thoughts to make an awesome piece. You nailed it. I wait to read more from you
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I'm not sure whther it is a leap of faith. My guess is all faith is lost for most suicides.
For some people death works marvels. Either because in the process they get rid of a big sucker who is ruining others' lives or because by transcending their ideas start getting recognition, which was all the point of being alive.
It's a tricky business, i guess. Unpredictable of sorts