RE: Something Starts Burning - The Rewrite
Definitely the second version. To me, it was much more skillfully crafted.
For one thing, you use symbolism effectively in the second. Your description of the burger and your physical response to it are much more sensual because you allow us to feel what you feel, to go down the path of seduction that ties the response to food with a sexual response. You don't have to say it...you allow us to experience it.
There's a famous scene in the movie "Tom Jones" (1963) in which the gluttonous consumption of food is overtly sexual. The way you use food in the story reminds me of that. If you haven't seen the movie, you have to check out a YouTube video of the food scene.
This line is great: " I hope they'll taste as good as they smell, because I'm this close to get my dress wet with drooling, she chuckled." So much more effective than "she would soon realize it was her heart that was actually opening up to let Jack in."
It was definitely worth the rewrite, in my opinion. Great job!
I'm with you! I paid more attention to detail this time, although I can see some words that went unnoticed after the first few readings, but it is way better than the first version.
I hit the scene from the movie you mentioned on youtube, it was weird for my taste to be honest.
Thank you for taking the time to read it @agmoore! :D
It was a pleasure to read! I used to belong to a writing group and we would analyze (kindly, but honestly) each other's pieces. How else do you improve?
As for that food scene: I found it very weird and not at all seductive. However, it is legendary, part of cinema history. It was made in the early '60s when the culture (in the US anyway) was throwing off the strict mores of the 50s. So this scene was considered to be, I think, not only audacious, but also a sign of the times.