Something Starts Burning - The Rewrite
This is the re-write for the first Ultra Drillblast Writing Task by @laureate on Whaleshares.
The crit for my piece was published here: The ULTRA DRILLBLAST - A Crit For @ruth-girl and today I managed to spend some time on the story and try to fix whatever weaknesses @nikflossus pointed out. It's not that I got crazy with what came out in the end, but I am more confident about the piece now.
Image from: flickr.com under license CC BY 2.0
Something starts... burning Version #2
Lisa was comfortably sitting in the hammock, slowly swaying back and forth. In her pretty white dress and with her red curls around her freckled face, she looked like a little girl who sneaked into this world from another era. In front of her two strong arms were flipping burgers and bacon on the grill behind a green T-shirt. Her romantic figure was a dissonance in this ordinary backyard barbecue.
It was not like her to go over a guy's place from the third date. She'd have to feel comfortable with someone before she'd accept to enter their private space. With Jack though it all felt different, as if they had known each other for a lot longer than two weeks. Jack seemed to be carrying an aura that Lisa felt very familiar with and she couldn't resist him. Plus, him offering to make lunch for her was already a great motive for her to be spontaneous and accept his invitation.
The smells of beef mince being cooked were spreading all around the back yard. A few notions of crispy bacon in the air and her nose started to send crazy signals to her brain, which in turn made her stomach yearn to welcome generous bites of those burgers. She could feel her nostrils dilating to get in as much of that intoxicating aroma as possible and she could not focus on anything else but the warm call of the food he was making for her.
- I hope they'll taste as good as they smell, because I'm this close to get my dress wet with drooling, she chuckled.
Her soft voice had disturbed the peace of the moment.
- They surely won't taste better than your lips, Miss Jones, Jack replied and stood in front of her.
Her green eyes opened wide at the sight of him, her sweaty palms clenched the hammock ends tight and she held her breath. Two seconds later, Jack had leaned over Lisa. His lips were meeting hers and his hands that smelled like Burger King were getting gently tangled in her beautiful curls. Her nose could detect the hints of his aftershave as they mixed with the overwhelming smells of the cooking meat. His scent was invading her body. With every breath it got stronger, helping Lisa forget all about the noises her stomach was making.
She was enjoying his kisses, soft, tender like the gentle touch of spring rain. Too absorbed in the moment, neither of them noticed how the smell of perfectly cooked meat started to change. The juicy burgers on the grill were turning black and the once savory smells were vanishing within a cloud of gray smoke that started to surround the garden.
- I think the burgers are burning, she said shyly as she pulled herself slightly to the back.
- Don't worry, we'll order pizza, Jack said in a reassuring tone and fell all over her again.
In case you're interested, here is the first version of the story:
Lisa was comfortably sitting in the hammock, slowly swaying back and forth. In her pretty white dress and with her red curls around her freckled face, she looked like a little girl who sneaked into this world from another era. Her eyes were following Jack who was cooking on the barbecue in front of her. His creased, green T-shirt was hiding his well-built back and left his strong arms flipping the burgers and bacon on the grill exposed to Lisa's eyes.
She wouldn't normally go to a guy's place from the third date, but this scruffy man with the beautiful blue eyes had something she wasn't able to resist. Plus, him offering to make lunch for her was certainly a good motive. Jack seemed so focused on his cooking, something that gave Jane the chance to observe him better under the broad daylight.
The smells of beef mince being cooked were spreading all around the back yard like a potion whose magic was to make her drool incessantly. A few notions of crispy bacon in the air and her nose started to send crazy signals to her brain, which in turn made her stomach yearn to welcome generous bites of those burgers he was making for her. She could feel her nostrils dilating to get in as much of that intoxicating aroma as they could and she would soon realize it was her heart that was actually opening up to let Jack in.
All of a sudden, Jack turned away from the food and looked at her with a sweet smile. They both froze there, staring at each other without saying a word. She was so absorbed into a moment that for a little while brought an unexpected bliss to her soul.
Two minutes must have passed and the savory smells from the barbecue began to change. She noticed the tempting scent of mince and herbs shifting into a smell of something burning. Smoke was now taking the place of the air molecules that were so delightfully warming her nose a couple of moments earlier.
Jack seemed to have had forgotten all about the burgers and let them burn because he could not take his eyes off her. Once he sensed their lunch was getting burnt, he tossed like a spring to save the almost black burgers from the fire. He was like a big, clumsy kid in her eyes. A wide smile grew on her face. Oh my God! She was in love with him.
Can I get some honest feedback?
Which version did you like better? I am interested into your observations and comments as they help me get better!
Let's see how well it goes this time - I can't wait to read my new crit for the second version of the text. The critique for the first piece can be found through this link:
The ULTRA DRILLBLAST - A Crit For @ruth-girl
Thank you so much for your time!
Until my next post,
Steem on and keep smiling, people!
Original story by @ruth-girl - 2019
Post also shared on my Whaleshares blog
Definitely the second version. To me, it was much more skillfully crafted.
For one thing, you use symbolism effectively in the second. Your description of the burger and your physical response to it are much more sensual because you allow us to feel what you feel, to go down the path of seduction that ties the response to food with a sexual response. You don't have to say it...you allow us to experience it.
There's a famous scene in the movie "Tom Jones" (1963) in which the gluttonous consumption of food is overtly sexual. The way you use food in the story reminds me of that. If you haven't seen the movie, you have to check out a YouTube video of the food scene.
This line is great: " I hope they'll taste as good as they smell, because I'm this close to get my dress wet with drooling, she chuckled." So much more effective than "she would soon realize it was her heart that was actually opening up to let Jack in."
It was definitely worth the rewrite, in my opinion. Great job!
I'm with you! I paid more attention to detail this time, although I can see some words that went unnoticed after the first few readings, but it is way better than the first version.
I hit the scene from the movie you mentioned on youtube, it was weird for my taste to be honest.
Thank you for taking the time to read it @agmoore! :D
It was a pleasure to read! I used to belong to a writing group and we would analyze (kindly, but honestly) each other's pieces. How else do you improve?
As for that food scene: I found it very weird and not at all seductive. However, it is legendary, part of cinema history. It was made in the early '60s when the culture (in the US anyway) was throwing off the strict mores of the 50s. So this scene was considered to be, I think, not only audacious, but also a sign of the times.
Oh sweet kitty!
Αν κρίνω και από το post του @trumpman εκείνος ταβέρνα εσύ κάρβουνα... Πάντως ο νους σας στο φαΐ είναι... :Pppp.
Μου φαινεται εσυ δεν τον αφήνεις να κάνει δίαιτα :P
Το μυαλό μας πάντα στο φαγητό!
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Nice!
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